Today’s opening picture is our new Nicole Knows hero, Beauregard the Rooster (stay gold, ponyboy! stay free!) He is devoted to physical distancing and we love him.
One of my kids got normal-sick in the (very) early hours of Sunday morning, and only wanted to be with me so we watched terrible kid movies all day. Steve said I couldn’t resume my Full Daniel Craig rewatch because “it’s not appropriate to show a 5-year-old Fincher’s ‘Girl With the Dragon Tattoo’” which sounds like some nanny state nonsense to me, but I complied.
I DID throw out his sheets and blanket bc I am doing laundry for five people and have no intention of scraping puke off a fluffy blanket right now. It felt good.
Today, along with your very real fears and troubles: I want you to share your tiny triumphs and good news and not feel like you have to couch them in apologies. We love you and we want you to be happy and to be able to talk about the good things in your life. No one begrudges you. Job offer? Engagement? Baby? Baked a lovely cake? A multi-orgasmic sexual encounter? Let’s hear it about it.
Why NOT r/PutAnEggOnIt?
My friend Louis’ newsletter is always a balm, particularly today, as it contains an excellent assortment of quarantine show tunes:
“You Walk With Me” (from The Full Monty). One of the most underrated Broadway love songs of all time. This song always makes me cry, and it’s perfect for the walks I’ve been taking recently. By myself.
“I Am My Own Best Friend” (from Chicago). Baby’s alive! But baby’s alone. (I’m baby.)
“Sitting Becalmed in the Lee of Cuttyhunk” (from A New Brain). If I hadn’t included a deep-cut Bill Finn song on here, I would never have been able to forgive myself. Also: “Here I am, detestor of small spaces. Unable to breathe, I turn loquacious.”
“Wig in a Box” (from Hedwig and the Angry Inch). I don’t know, this song just makes me think about making your own fun in challenging times. And the strangest things do seem suddenly routine.
“On My Own” (from Les Misérables). Can you believe I almost forgot to include this classic? If there is a better song about social distancing walks, I don’t know it.
Truly, an absolute peanut butter cup unit for the ages (I will always order a fancy peanut butter cup dessert whenever one is on a menu):
Q. Dream wedding blues: My daughter was getting married to a man who is, for lack of a better word, a cheapskate. Per tradition, we were footing the bill for the wedding and reception at a nice hotel near our home and a nice honeymoon to a coastal resort in California. However, as the COVID-19 crisis worsened, my son-in-law insisted they “take advantage of” the crisis to score airfare, a wedding venue, and a honeymoon in Italy since it was “a buyer’s market” there and would cost the same as what we were paying now. Despite my repeated warning this could easily backfire if the crisis worsens, things get shut down, or—God forbid—we end up with the disease too, he insisted and bullied our daughter into going along with his plan. I went ahead and canceled the existing reservations here in the U.S. for the “Italian COVID-19 dream wedding,” but made sure everything was insured.
Well, surprise, surprise, the venue closed indefinitely for COVID-19, and Italy was under travel bans. In the interim, our original venue had been booked, and the honeymoon resort was sold out. My daughter and son-in-law were forced to improvise, and we did a nice, though much less elaborate, much less expensive wedding, under a gazebo at a local park with a modest reception in our own home catered by a family friend. We gave a not insignificant cash gift, as we had always planned to do, and footed the bill for a few nights at a luxury hotel in a nearby city to make up for the original honeymoon. We thought things were fine until son-in-law learned I had covered my bases and had received a full refund. He insists we should have given the refund to him in addition to the cash gift we gave. He has now forced my daughter to join him in cutting off contact from us until we “do our duty as parents of the bride.”
Is he right? Should we have given them the money we were planning to spend? My wife is inclined to just cough up the money to keep the peace with Cheapo, but it was a big chunk of our savings, money we may need even more if we end up out of work because of the coronavirus.
has anyone figured out The One Vegetable Doctors Want You To Throw Out Right Now? I refuse to click on the ads but at this point I find it haunting my dreams
r/Bigfoot continues to please me:
What if Us, but cats?
Jane, fucketh off:
3. Employee is monitoring other people’s work
We are a semi-remote team who uses Trello to keep our workflow organized and distribute assignments. One of my employees, Jane, feels it is necessary to look at everyone’s work on Trello and comment on it. She also uses it as a tool to fuel her immense paranoia (“Why is [Boss] watching my card and not [Coworker’s]?!?!?!” when Boss doesn’t even look at the Trello — Jane mis-clicked and added his label to her card herself!)
It’s none of her business, and definitely not her job. Every time I have said something to the effect of “Jane, there’s no reason for you to be looking at other peoples’ work, focus on your own assignments and if there an issue I need to handle on Trello, rest assured that I am paying attention,” this has been met either with self-pity, pouting, remonstrations about how she’s just trying to help (with what?), or some combo of all three. Do you have any advice? I cannot set permissions to keep her from viewing other peoples’ cards.
Had a real bad dad in the column on Friday:
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and teen son were the best of friends, getting along so well I sometimes felt like the third wheel in their close relationship. However, a recent incident fundamentally changed their dynamic and has put me in a difficult situation. Much of their bonding has revolved around being athletic, and my husband has always encouraged my son to become stronger. He took pride in his kid’s accomplishments in the gym until the day he found his son had surpassed him in strength. Both of them were wrestling around in the backyard, something they had done since my son was old enough to walk. In all those years their wrestling was a friendly game they played where a much stronger man was encouraging a boy to deal with the feeling of defeat whenever he got pinned.
But then the moment finally came when my son was able to pin his dad. It was of course inevitable as my son got bigger and my husband aged, but I think it came a little too early for a man who always prided himself on his physical power. After that day my husband became stern and even a bit cold with his son, making quite blunt statements about looking forward to the day he moves out. While I think this is a normal attitude (most parents want to see their children leave the nest), it has been quite a shock to my son who has not connected the change in his dad’s behavior to the incident in the backyard. He feels he lost his best friend and instinctually blames himself without understanding the underlying psychology of my husband feeling emasculated by his own “baby boy.”
I expressed my concerns to my husband, but he defensively denied my interpretation without offering any sort of explanation for his behavior. Now I feel torn between a husband whose pride is wounded, and a son who feels estranged from the most important person in the world to him. I am conflicted in my duties as a loyal wife and a loving mother. Do I tell my son the theory I have as to why his dad is so different, or do I not embarrass my husband further by exposing his frankly ridiculous issues with masculinity?
—Caught in the Middle
just a bunny eating a carrot, nothin’ more complicated than that
MUSIC TIME:
Always here for Kylie:
Also always here for this classic pairing (her and Robbie Williams, my bestie and I bonded in our college dining hall by each knowing all the words):
Cheryl K doing “Money” live:
I have shown you this before but now imagine us doing it at a great distance from each other:
The Magnetic Fields, “I Think I Need A New Heart” just gets me every time:
Joni doing “Coyote” in The Last Waltz is such BDE:
LCD Soundsystem wishes we could all be with our friends tonight:
Rilo Kiley’s “A Better Son/Daughter” is…an anthem:
More Rilo Kiley (the day this album dropped I was on a business trip to Berkeley and also hooked up a bunch with a nice ex who had moved to California and I always get nice memories from it):
When I met Alanis, the highlight of my life, she told me the only track from Jagged Little Pill that she is no longer 100% on board with is “Not The Doctor” bc sometimes when you’re in a real relationship one of you does have to be the doctor sometimes and I get that, but it still slaps:
“We bought an old house on the Danforth”:
C H I C A G O:
“Don’t Worry, Baby” is still perfect after all these years.
On a related note, so is “Still Crazy After All These Years”:
Having a (few) people over is maybe okay but I don’t know:
I cannot believe you’re still here. Incredible. Valiant. You are like Londoners during the Blitz, except with better streaming TV options. SO many of you are health care workers and food service workers and other essential workers and you are heroes. Some of you are holed up with your homophobic parents. I just think you’re amazing. I wish you could post pics in the comments so I could see your brave, bored faces. I love you so much I could burst. We’ll be here until it’s over.
xoxoxoo
nicole (my family calls me “Nicky”, I think you can call me Nicky at this point if you want, we’re very very close personal friends now, right? Danny calls me “Nic”, but that’s just for Danny)
I am 4 weeks pregnant! We have been trying for over a year and are beyond overjoyed. I am praying fervently for a sticky baby and would greatly appreciate any more thoughts/prayers that anyone can spare, but of course everyone has a lot to be praying for right now.
I’m becoming a beekeeper! We’re picking up the bees on Thursday! Painting the hives today! Thanks for letting me celebrate for a moment. <3