Might not be a good place to visit for you! But if you are having issues because of isolation and chaos and it would be helpful for you to share them, here you go. Let’s not use numbers, okay? I am not going to moderate this so let’s try to stay supportive and all about validation and sympathy.
I’m doing okay but I’m losing weight from stress and accidentally doing the “eat essentially nothing and then when I think I’m going to pass out, I have a small square of cheese” diet from Devil Wears Prada and I’m juuuuust trying to monitor that and be aware of it.
oh folks!!!! my appetite has just completely left me, which is making it really hard to eat. i've got binge eating disorder so this kind of swing in the other direction is really new and scary? like i have a lot of coping mechanisms for eating too MUCH in times of stress but what am i supposed to do when suddenly my body is like "if you even SMELL food you're going to vomit." and i'm a BIG exerciser; i run an average of 6 miles a day. i can't not eat. like what ..... how do people deal with that?
I've had moderate success with finding a food that is relatively nutritious that I can stand eating, and I just eat that for as long as it takes for my body to settle a bit. Trader Joe's frozen, microwaveable rice and their frozen grilled chicken strips--it's easy to make, easy on the stomach, and I don't have to think about it.
This is me during the day, except it's a handful of Cheddar jack Cheez Its (try them, way better than the original). But then at night I'm like "what about third dessert??" Having liege waffles in the freezer is helping with breakfast, at least.
Yes, this is exactly what I'm doing! I am trying to focus on the positive side ("At least I'm getting some food into my body") and not feeling bad in two conflicting directions at once.
I'm doing the same thing. We have tons of food in the house but I also have a toddler and I have the irrational fear (it is irrational, right? Please tell me it's irrational) that we're going to run out and all starve, so I can feel myself trying to eat as little as possible.
My roommate does supply chain logistics for Kraft & let me assure you - the food is getting where it's going, and you will continue to have access to it
It is irrational! The supply chain is still mostly humming along. Think of it as putting your oxygen mask on so you're not taking your hangry out on loved ones. Or uh, maybe that's just me.
I'm having the same issue on top of already being at my thinnest in a long time due to breastfeeding/toddler chasing. Nicole, this thread couldn't have come at a better time.
Right? I've fought really hard to get to a point where eating three moderate-sized meals a day is the norm for me (as opposed to two big ones, or one giant bag of chips, or nothing), and this has thrown off my rhythm. I've started setting alarms for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and that at least reminds me.
There are many, many ways of having disordered eating and if you are bingeing or restricting this is something a lot of people in various stages of recovery are finding tough to deal with in our current situation. I love all of you.
i am really trying my best, but every meal i eat is a struggle because i live alone, so who would know if i just... let my disordered thoughts take over? every morning i wake up and think "what if i didn't eat today?" and every morning i make myself make breakfast and it's so hard i almost cried over my scrambled eggs today. i am trying my best and so far i am winning but i am SO TIRED and SO JEALOUS of people who can just? put food into their mouths? like it's nothing? i'm so tired guys.
hi you are absolutely crushing it, you made scrambled eggs this morning! so did I, even though it was so emotionally confusing! it’s so exhausting and I’m so proud of both of us ♥️♥️♥️♥️
living alone is so hard with food. cooking for one sucks, but "meals for one" are inevitably a mess and also bad, and it's really easy to be like "well, no one can see, so why don't i just [do whatever behavior]." i feel you completely. i don't have any advice i just .... feel you completely, pal. it's so exhausting. <3
you too, babe. one thing i am trying to remind myself of is: you don't have a body, you ARE a body. for me that's really helpful because i spent a long time (/still spend some time...) thinking that like, "oh, my brain is Smart and Funny and Cool it's such a shame we're trapped in this terrible flesh prison." but now i'm trying to think like, my brain is an organ! it's just one organ in the whole body that is me. i feel it books, and i have to feed the rest of me eggs. i don't know if this is a helpful way of thinking for you or not BUT either way: you ate some eggs today and i'm really really proud of you!!
oh, i like that. i think i might write it on my bathroom mirror - i'm literally down to try anything that might help. thank you for being so kind, i really appreciate it - i DID eat some eggs today, and tomorrow i will have the experience of today to help me eat them then too! (also, i hope you ate your eggs too - and if you didn't, i believe in you! we can make it through this!)
Also, Jane Marie (<3 u janie) did some blog posts a long time ago about cooking for one (for a magazine, I think?, but they’re online) - I’ve used a few and really liked then
I know. I have been setting alarms on my google home. It goes off for three meals and three snacks. It is torture to put food in my mouth that many times. But I am just here to say... you got this. You can shove that food in your pie hole and swallow. I believe in you!
I hear you and I see you and I cannot overstate how much "I'm SO TIRED and SO JEALOUS of people who can just ? put food into their mouths?" YESSS. OH I am so tired. Sending love and I have been trying @mo's trick of talking about myself as a whole vs parts. It does help me. <3
it's exhausting to THINK so much about something that so many people just? don't seem to have to? but i am sending you love and energy! we can get through this <3
Thank you for this - can I share something positive? My friend posted on instastories last night " see a roll, send a roll" and so I responded with a (relatively much larger) stomach roll, saying "did I do this right?" and I thought it would be some "haha we're gonna get soooo fat" like all the stupid memes but she just said yes! and a heart eye emojis and I just felt SO BEAUTIFUL in that moment and it was lovely.
I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum from some of you, it seems. I'm eating my feelings. Because I can't go to the gym and I haven't been going for walks, my body is changing quickly.
I saw a Tumblr post the other day that resonated: "Even if I don't like my body today, I will take care of it."
Now it's just a matter of getting my dopamine from another source.
Oh my god I am comfort eating so much. I also feel really guilty about how I'm eating more than my fair share of things that I should be sharing with my wife.
I definitely feel my "food addict" behaviors are returning. Secret eating, shame about what I've eaten, eating even when I'm not enjoying it. Ooof.
I feel you. First line of defense: work on the guilt and shame. My roommate has been exceptionally good at not making me feel like a failure when I eat junk. That means the feelings are coming from me, and I need to deal with them. We're not failures or bad people for our coping mechanism, but we do owe it to ourselves to take the emotions out of it.
The past two days I snacked and passed out before dinner and I thought I was over that. I've always been proud of myself for not letting my depression let me skip at least ONE real meal day, and yet. (I did also have chicken for lunch, napped, and threw it up, so...)
I bouught some last month on my dental cleaning/TJ run (both are closely located to each other but not my house). I was stocking up because of u-no-what, and was staring at the frozen pizzas. A lady scooped up six, and I grabbed three figuring she must know what she was doing. They are quite good.
It me. It SO MUCH ME. But I keep telling myself that my survival over the next few months is more important than how my body looks at the end, and that I need to throw all my expectations out the window because this is an truly unexpectable situation.
I'm like...halfway in between? Some days I eat twice a day, but they're foods with lots of nutrients and I feel like I'm taking everything I've learned and channeling it into those foods. And some days I eat five meals and one of those meals is just fist fulls of frozen chocolate chips. I've been busy with work and can't walk, I'm injured and so can't do most of the in home workouts everybody seems to be doing and I just can't find BALANCE.
I remember when my foot was broken, I felt like I couldn't get my life in order. You'll get back to 100%. It just sucks because we all have to fight a little harder right now.
Thanks, you're definitely right and I really needed to hear that. It's hard, too, because there are some habits I had at the worst part of my relationship with my body that actually might be good now (in terms of how to work exercise into my day) but they're so tainted from that time in my life that it doesn't feel worth the risk. This is exhausting.
I'm sorry. Just remember that you aren't alone. A lot of us seem to be facing demons right now. It doesn't make us bad or inept. Just that we're dealing with stuff.
I hate that I'm excited about being too depressed and anxious to eat because I keep being like, well maybe I'll lose weight during all this bullshit and I know that's not a healthy way to think and that it's not going to help me care for myself, but here I am!! Also the very real economic insecurity right now makes eating complicated because I don't know how long I'll be able to afford food/be able to afford "good" food ugh!
I'm right there with you. Before the crisis, I was doing so well. But now I don't have that much of an appetite, and I keep trying to spin it in a positive way. No bueno.
OMG crazy that you would bring this up because I kind of thought it was not a relatable thing? The chaos and lack of control in my life has caused me to pretty much stop eating all together. Why!? It's annoying, and the worst part is that as the numbers on the scale keep dropping, my desire to eat decreases. It's some kind of fucked up vicious cycle.
I've been more or less recovered for well over a decade now and I've weathered unintentional weight loss before (thanks to anxiety). And YET there's a part of me that will never not be excited about the dropping numbers, even when I know it's bad and I feel awful.
Oh man, same. For me it's this combo of control and a completely irrational fear that I'll run out of food (I panic-shopped just like everyone else in the U.S.! I probably have enough food to last me through June).
I dropped a fair amount of weight in the last few weeks and it feels so awfully good... and I'm ashamed of myself that it feels good. And I'm ashamed of myself that I had to increase my daily dose of anti-anxiety meds... but the icy calm it gives me feels so good.
All of this feels so small and petty and stupid to say out loud.
I’m having such a hard time with seeing the panic buying and feeling like I need to hoard food and secret eating and then swinging to the other end of the spectrum and not wanting to eat food and ration because what if there’s no more food? I’m managing it okay, but I have to remind myself that I’m not starving and this isn’t a zombie apocalypse.
I have been thinking that nutella would make the speculoos so much better ... and so much worse! (Also, reese's eggs in the cabinet above the microwave)
I wish I could stop. It’s such a strange feeling. Like I’m not allowed to have it because we have to ration but I still want to eat it. So I’m sneaking it. My brain hurts trying to rationalize this.
I feel powerless in front of it, too. Like, part of me is just watching the shame eating part of me just... eat things that I know I shouldn't. Also, I feel guilty about not trying to be as healthy as possible to make sure I'm as small a burden on the healthcare system as possible right now.
This is me too. We didn't get all/enough food in either of our last two weeks' grocery shops, and feeling like food may simply not be available is really playing havoc with my anxiety and disordered eating. I feel like to need to ration and not eat because my children may need that food, but restricting makes me lose my composure entirely, and I'm right back where I was years ago, thinking constantly about food, anxious and snappish and self-loathing. I didn't realize quite how important to my recovery it was to shop for a week's groceries to support a good meal plan, and now that's not available to me and it's really hard.
Hard same. Before the existential dread set in and completely killed my appetite, I kept eating and felt like I'd never be full. Even imaginary food scarcity is new to me, and it's a mindfuck.
I had (have had) binge-eating disorder for years and I THOUGHT that I had finally kicked it, but nope, nope, I am binging again, it is stress, it is horrific stress, and at the moment my choices are (buy some junk food from the store when I do go grocery shopping, eat it but don't touch my For Emergencies Only can stash) or (shop healthily, but effing binge-eating the food that's only supposed to be for emergencies), and, uh, at the moment the former is safer than the latter, but aaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
I am moving in with my girlfriend in about 2 months, circumstances allowing. She has a severe eating disorder and I have a mild one—for fear of triggering her or bringing up a topic that may be more difficult for her, I rarely bring up my own issues with food.
Quarantine is obviously a weird time for food, I have gained a few pounds because of stress eating and I hate this. My particular neurosis has to do with a very specific weight that I feel I “should” be at, and if I go over or under it I tend to go a little crazy. I don’t know how to address this with my girlfriend, what I want to say is that if we both have gained a few pounds when we next see each other, that’s okay? But this feels inappropriate to say even as a joke. I know I am a trigger for her in general because I am smaller than her, and it never feels helpful to say anything or complain about my body.
Anyway I am making cinnamon rolls today, I am waiting for them to rise.
I hope you guys find a way through it. It sounds like a really hard situation, but I believe in you both! How did your cinnamon rolls turn out? I love them so much but I've never been able to make them properly. My house is too cold all of the time and nothing ever rises. :(
I’m struggling. I love baking and cooking and eating, but i also hear and see all this “use this time to get right and lose weight.” In the past week I’ve binged, thrown up, and just not eaten for a few days. I live alone so it’s so easy and there’s so much time to just think and be bored.
i'm so sorry you're struggling <3 you deserve to be kind to yourself and kind to your body, even though i know that can be so hard. sending you good vibes <3
I'm a competitive powerlifter who dropped 3 weight classes in 2 years so I could qualify for Nationals. Qualifying meets are cancelled, Nationals are probably cancelled, and I have no motivation to eat right or train in the homegym that I'm lucky to have. I'm eating no protein and all the sugar and carbs and liquor. I feel awful and out of control.
It's so weird. Because I usually make most of my meals at home anyway. And not having to think about if it'll pack to commute to work should make things easier. But I've completely lost the plot on how to feed and water myself this week.
I did notice that there's definitely an element of exerting control involved, if I can just master my own appetite that's something within my power when almost nothing else is.
Control is/was a huge part of my disordered eating, but I didn't even think of what's happening right now in those terms until I saw this comment. Also, solidarity.
I have binge eating disorder and my ED group ended a couple weeks before everything shut down and neither of my regular clinicians do much with eating disorders. So that’s been hard. And right now I’m very focused on being fat and how that may (I can’t quite tease it out) be a huge risk factor for covid....and then I start thinking about how it’s likely that even though I’m youngish (34) I’m fat and have a new diagnoses of diabetes and maybe the doctors wouldn’t save me; probably they’d triage me out.
No formal eating disorder diagnosis, but I know my relationship with food is terrible. I'm fat and diabetic. I was on insulin for awhile, along with some other things and just...stopped. No matter how hard I tried to stick to the regiment and take my medicine and cut out unnecessary sugar, every time I checked my blood sugar and saw it in the 200, 300, 400 (my record high is 496) range, even with increased insulin doses...eventually I became so discouraged and frustrated and full of self-loathing because obviously I was a complete failure that I just gave up. So now I'm living with uncontrolled diabetes, my house is full of sugary food, and now I'm home all day every day, working remotely at my sedentary job while my feet continue to swell and grow numb because I can't get out of the house. I ordered a footrest and compression socks, but I'm looking at a month-long wait for delivery and have been using my Squatty Potty in the meantime, which is about as uncomfortable as nothing at all. The stress of all this plus my total lack of self-control has put any good eating habits I might have had in the trash and I hate myself for it. I know I'm killing myself, but since I've never landed in the hospital or had anything amputated yet, I guess the stakes just aren't high enough for me to have the motivation to get my shit together. I know I need to start seeing a doctor again, but I'm afraid. I know that's stupid, that this will only get worse if I don't, but I'm paralyzed by fear and my brain convincing me that I don't deserve to get better or help. That my diabetes diagnosis is my fault and I deserve to suffer. I'm just self-aware enough to know that this isn't true, but can't get out of the spiral. I also know I need therapy, but the task of 1. finding a therapist that's 2. in my network and 3. accepting new patients and 4. is someone that I'm comfortable with is so daunting that I can't even start.
Okay, this became A LOT. I don't know what I'm looking for. Advice? For someone to tell me that putting in the work to get better is actually worth it? I don't know. But thanks for providing this space, Nicole. It feels slightly okay to finally get it out in the open. I hope I'm not hijacking by not focusing entirely on disordered eating.
Hurting so much for you. It sounds like you're living in absolute hell. Look, who cares if your eating gave you diabetes? So what? You don't deserve to die because you like candy. Every single person matters--including you. The fact that you struggle with healthy eating is just... a part of who you are. It doesn't negate the million good qualities you undoubtedly have. FWIW, I'm really worried about you. My best friend passed away from a diabetic stroke a few years ago and I would give anything to go back and do *something*. That's not meant to be a guilt trip; it's meant to be a reminder that someone loves (or will love) you and will be devastated to have you gone.
I don't have much good advice. But I do know that, if you don't have a regular doctor, a teledoc might well be willing to prescribe you insulin, at least to get you through this crisis. Getting through this means traveling, means meeting new people, means experiences you haven't even contemplated yet.
This is the perfect space for this. I'm so heartened to hear that getting it out has helped a bit. You sound extremely self-aware. This post is a brave and excellent first step. You are a human with dignity and are deserving of the help you need. Period. I really hope you can find it. I have faith in you!
You are inherently worthwhile, and consequently, so is your body. I am so sorry you are struggling with all of this—and you’re right: Putting in the work to get better/be healthier is absolutely worth it, for *all of us* who struggle with disordered eating.
Late to this and I don't know if it helps, but I think some of us feel like if we are not thin or of we are sick we aren't 'allowed' to have an eating disorder - like things that are bad for others are good for us. And that's just not true. It helps me to remove myself that yes these thoughts are fucked up, and they're harmful. They're not 'the motivation I need.' Trying to internalise that has been a big part of getting better from bulimia for me.
I don't know if this is disordered eating/exercising. I certainly wake up and drink 3 cups of coffee and come 4pm I'm ravenous and sad and eating a block of cheese.
But I also have a neuro-muscular disorder, and exercise is a prime thing that keeps it from progressing with alarming speed. I had a good regimen going for about six months, and I felt strong and confident, and now I'm just worried all the time about regressing. If I regress, there's no assurance I'll be able to get that strength back. I can't run - I physically can't run - and I need braces to walk any distance. Ellipticals were the only place I felt stable without the braces and like I could do cardio.
Last Friday I literally went down the street and bought a used bike and I'm so scared our governor is going to close the parks and enforce people being on the streets. I don't know how my body's going to come out of this. How much function am I going to lose?
I am dealing with similar fears with my EDS, which I was making a lot of progress with before this. You are not alone. I hope you are able to find an indoor solution or that biking remains available to you.
In terms of eating, I have not dealt with an ED before but I have a medically very restricted diet and having the motivation to get up and make those limited things (not to mention finding those things) has been really difficult.
I'm just going to say that even those of us who don't struggle with disordered eating are having trouble keeping on an even keel these days (I had to talk myself into dinner the other night, which is... not what I usually do). These are very stressful times and folks should be especially gentle with themselves now.
I really needed this thread. I feel like I'm bouncing between the urge to eat out of boredom and the fear of eating of boredom while not exercising, and the desire to indulge my disordered eating thoughts. I've been generally recovered for about 5 years but I still have a lot of body image weirdness and disordered eating thoughts, and shockingly, being in a situation where everything feels out of control and stressful is bringing back disordered eating thoughts as a way of having some feeling of control
I keep seeing so much information about how eating vegetables is good for you while you're indoors, and I just don't want to buy them because I'm afraid of the food waste (I live by myself, I don't go through a ton of veggies that fast). But then I feel bad if I'm just eating comfort food? I'm keep trying to tell myself that as long as I eat something, it's okay, but I made a big salad last night, ate maybe 1/3 of it and just decided to eat a bowl of tater tots instead. Which is FINE but then I feel guilty for not eating vegetables. Also, so many people talking about at-home movement, which makes me mad, because I want to REST but sitting too much is making me so stiff and in pain, so now I'm just like WHAT DO I DO BESIDES MEDICATE MYSELF INTO OBLIVION.
I don't know if this is helpful to you but my trick these days has just been making sure there are ~some~ vegetables in my comfort food. My chicken & dumplings last night had carrots in it! Win! I'm also big-batching all my comfort foods and freezing half for "when I get sick" so I don't feel weird about it, b/c my brain says eating comfort foods is definitely okay if you're going to eat some when you're sick.
Hahaha, I feel the same. I do not love vegetables but.... sometimes I look up those hiding vegetables in your kids food and I can trick myself while still eating blueberry muffins to eat zucchini too.
My other thing has been morning smoothies with mostly frozen fruit, but also carrots and spinach at small levels. Just pretending has to count sometimes.
I am also getting married (circumstances permitting) in the fall and it is SO. HARD. to avoid all of the "wedding diet" thoughts and propaganda and comments. I keep telling myself I don't have to be a particular size at my wedding but another part of my mind keeps telling me I need to look perfect. and I have no energy to exercise, then I feel guilty about not exercising, then I want to restrict to make up for it, and it's been.... not great!
I'm very glad you're talking about this. My dad (in his early 60s) is just out of a 5-month outpatient anorexia & exercise addiction treatment, and lives alone. I know he is struggling daily, being newly in recovery, and feeling a pull to exercise/walk/not eat.
If anyone has some tips about ways I can support him, I'd love them. I don't want to call him up and say "are you eating? what's for dinner?" all the time, but don't want to not talk about it, since I know he's having such a hard time.
it's super hard to give advice because disordered eating hits everyone differently and i don't know how he feels about eating in front of people, but asking if he'd like to have a standing dinner date with you over video chat for the next little while might be a way to connect about the issue without, you know, making it a whole thing?
Everyone is different and I am a complete stranger, so anything I might say is next to worthless, but when I've been really seriously struggling with mental health things, what I've found most useful is when friends/family do the equivalent of hanging out with me, but not explicitly talking about The Thing unless I bring it up. So...what does your dad like? Can you call him up to talk about books? Can you watch Netflix together on those cool browser extensions? Do the crossword together over the phone? Play board games on Steam?
(Also, like, be calm? I know it's hard, but certainly when people freak out at me about heavy stuff going on in my life, I shut down.)
I am not currently dealing with this, but I just want to say that I had been fairly recovered for almost a decade and then had it flare TF up in the winter, and I'm sure some of you are dealing with that now. It's okay! You'll be okay. You are not a terrible person because of it, and you will find order again soon. :) I love you all.
Luckily I’m quarantined with a supportive partner who doesn’t have much work to do, so he’s been helping keeping me fed, but despite that, I just want to over exercise now. I went so hard for so long at an empty park by our apartment that I can barely move today. Just can’t stop obsessing over fitting into my jeans once again when this is all over.
I'm wishing all of you so many good things; we're all in the same leaky boat right now. I've been... really struggling. I knew I needed to get help (read: medication) for binge-eating before this all started, but it just seemed like too much to deal between doctors' unhelpful hours and bad insurance. Regretting that so much, especially now that I don't know whether I'm getting laid off or not. It's never exactly prime hiring season for corporate rare books librarians, you know?
Every day, my (anorexic, of course) mother leaves for her post-retirement job and I immediately start planning everything I can eat without her noticing. A couple candies, a couple cookies, some chips out of an open bag, a spoonful of peanut butter, until I have to stop or get caught. The only thing that stops me is the shame. Today, I ate a day's worth of food by 11:00 am, so I've been struggling not to eat for, oh, almost 8 hours now. Not that she doesn't know. Yoga pants don't hide much.
I am a doctor with ADHD (freshly diagnosed, yay!) who just started working in ED, and it's really messing with my food schedule. I tend to forget to eat, especially if my day is busy and/or unstructured, and working in an emergency department is nothing if not busy and unstructured, lmao. Yesterday I was working 2:30pm-midnight, which meant I forgot to eat in the morning because of sleeping in and playing animal crossing, then didnt have time to eat at work (there aren't any defined break times, you just have to grab them when you can), then got home at midnight both intellectually knowing I was really hungry but physically feeling utterly unable to eat anything, like I'd suppressed hunger for so long my body was just refusing to acknowledge it needed food anymore. (And there was a little sprinkle of "which of these stockpiled quarantine foods should I eat first, maybe I shouldnt eat anything to make sure I have enough for later" anxiety for spice.)
Plus now we have to wear surgical masks at all times in the department, so I can't have a quick snack at the desk in between patients like I could before - I have to physically get up, go to the tea room or the corridor outside the department, take off my mask, wash my hands, and THEN eat or drink whatever it was I wanted, while feeling guilty, like someone will yell at me if they catch me Not Working. And half the time when I go to do this someone calls me wanting something written up or a patient reviewed, so I have to do it all in reverse before going back in even hangrier than I was before 😭
Anyway. It's not strictly disordered eating I guess, more a side effect of ADHD, but I've gotten down to a dangerous weight with this before, and I'm really worried it'll happen again now that I have very little structure and lots to do. 😣
I have nothing to offer but internet hugs, if you want them. You are important and I hope you can find a way to take care of yourself. The fact that you're a doctor makes that doubly true, but it would be true even if you were a civilian watching Netflix like the rest of us.
Oof, thanks for starting this thread. I'm in eating disorder recovery right now and this is a terrible time with food, and everyone suddenly posting about their quarantine workouts.
Oh my god the see 10 do 10 tag 10 thing... I am at once thankful no one has tagged me in it but also am mad no one has tagged me in it? But also really don't want to try to do pushups with a literally captive audience.
I'm having the same reaction actually! On one hand I'm thinking "ugh everyone's obsession with working out in quarantine is a bit triggering" and then ".......does everyone think I can't do push ups now???" I feel weirdly hyper aware of having the eating disorder thoughts closely beside the who-I-want-to-be thoughts.
My disordered eating hasn’t been this bad in decades. I feel awful in every way, even worse, I feel my problems oozing out and affecting my children. I have two daughters, and since my oldest was two, I have doubled down on all of my efforts to speak kindly about my body, and really actively try to find joy in food. But this whole situation has MESSED ME UP. I’m not eating, and worse, I’m commenting about how much my family is eating (like I actually told my child she couldn’t have a second bowl of cereal this morning because scarcity, I guess?) What is happening?? I feel like a terrible person, a terrible mother, and a terrible partner. Did NOT expect to feel like a monster throughout this quarantine. I’m also COVID-19 unemployed now, so that’s made things even messier. Thank you for giving me a place to say all of this. I’m trying so hard to maintain some semblance of positivity any time I talk to a real person, so this is really so appreciated.
We were already dealing with a lot of power struggles at the table with my three year olds and feeling like there is food scarcity is really intensifying that. My husband wants to start insisting that they clear their plates, but I have both ideological and personal problems with that, and it is not good!
Eating gets really hard for me when my anxiety gets high, and a lot of it almost feels like decision fatigue for me? All the little considerations about what to eat just pile up and make eating impossible.
The problem now is all of my coping mechanisms rely on eating food out. I know a lot of people aren’t like this but releasing control helps me actually eat and I can’t do that right now. The couple places I am an accidental regular at because I can always make myself eat there I can’t go to. I’m trying to eat at least twice every day, which had been sorta working. I’m just so tired, and so much energy is going to this.
It's so decision fatigue for me. "I could make this. Or that. Or ... *stares at fridge* why bother." A cold glass of white wine is the only thing that sounds good to me at the moment.
The number of times I’ve done that exact thing and ended up just getting a drink in the past two weeks is a lot. It doesn’t help that I live alone so there’s no one around to make food I can nibble off their plate or notice I’m not eating
Binge eater/bulimic. I'm stress-eating a lot but haven't returned to purging. I still have to physically go into to work (medical manufacturer) and the pressure of trying to keep the medical supply chain moving, plus the fact that so many co-workers aren't taking it seriously is really getting to me. My husband is working from home and has serious cabin fever so I go from a crowded, busy factory to a husband who has had no human contact all day. Winter has finally decided to arrive here, so it's too cold to go running. I'm trying to placate it with bodyweight work at home, taking walks and hikes, and remembering my mantras. I had to cancel therapy this week because I couldn't handle the stress of having to talk to yet another person.
I'm isolating with my senior parents and it's difficult in some pretty predictable ways. My dad has always talked about weight and bodies in a way that's pretty unpleasant for me to hear/grow up with. It also doesn't feel like a great time to have a frank conversation with him about my concerns, as I fear spiraling upset and blowups.
(FYI, he's not commenting at my body specifically, he'll just comment on people's weight/loss/gain, say "good for them" in odd/condescending ways, use "being bad" type language, generally very uncritically reiterates fat = bad/unhealthy and calorie reduction = good reasoning, and does binge/portion control himself in ways I find concerning.)
My mom was similar when I was growing up, and put pressure on me to be skinnier from a young age, but has deliberately changed her behavior when I pushed back as an adult. I appreciate how she's worked to curb weight talk. She was concerned I've lost weight since the pandemic and was worrying I was portion restricting to save food for them, which I haven't been.
I'm feeling a lot of love for everybody, and the many ways tension and fear and potential shortages are messing with us and our varied relationships with food and family and our bodies.
Also where I live at the moment there's not super stable supplies of food -- add this to the fact that I'm in a high-risk group and thus can't venture out much, and my past two weekly grocery store trips have been like "what's here? oh, random stuff? cool, guess I'm eating random stuff this week" which is SO SCARY for someone who normally needs to protect her mental health by really carefully planning her diet.
(Also when I was a kid I was, bitterly ironically, caught in a small epidemic that resulted in me spending a few weeks with very little access to food, so in addition to the past three months of flashbacks to me being a small child and seeing a bunch of people around me get sick and die, I'm now like "sh*t, I gonna be starving again, won't I?". Which is such a selfish response, given the very real current global horror, but that's where my brain's at.)
I am! Struggling! Up until recent events, I was forgetting to eat so often that I had to set alarms on my phone, and that was working pretty okay, but now that I’m home all the time, I’m oscillating Wildly between forgetting to eat and eating when I’m nowhere near hungry, and I can’t seem to get the signals between body and brain settled.
I have a newborn (it's been a weird month) and remembering to eat at all is... hard. I was at my pre-pregnancy weight a week postpartum, and I know I haven't been eating enough since but time is even more immaterial than it would have been were I just "normal" self-isolated, and actual decent food in is happening... once a day, maybe.
Oh man, eating right as a new parent is already hard and isolating. I hope you're getting help from someone and are able to take some breaks. The better you are taken care of, the better you can be there for the kiddo. But also, it's not just about being there for the kiddo - you deserve to be happy regardless! Parents are people outside of being parents...
Haha totally cool. My husband has been really fantastic and supportive! But he's not the best eater even when our lives are relatively normal, so we're both not great at it right now. I just need to... remember food.
I would LOVE tips. I'm in this bizarre space where I'm both constantly hungry but also I forget to eat -- and somehow, nothing sounds good. Any advice you have would be accepted with open arms.
Nuts and ice cream. Kind bars have been my go-to, and for the first few months I probably ate 2-3 a day, including during night feedings. I literally just stashed them around the house. And a big ass bowl of ice cream before bed. Or full-fat yogurt with Nutella. As for real meals, one a day sounds pretty good! If it's at all possible to sit and eat one without baby, donut whenever you can. You need to pee, eat, and sleep, and frankly I found that prioritizing them in that order was best (even though I always desperately wanted to sleep more than eat). That's where the Kind bars come in. Eat one lying down in bed before you take a nap. Also fuck salads. Not enough calories, they take away too long to eat. You want one dish meals that you can scoop out, microwave if you have the luxury of that time, and shove into your face before the baby wakes up again. Good luck! in a couple months you'll look back and be rightfully impressed with yourself for how well you got through this period. It doesn't get better in a linear fashion, but it does get better and easier.
Time isn't real! The sun is an illusion! What day of the week is it!
Also big hugs to you. We left the hospital days before crap hit the fan pandemic-wise, and I can't imagine the anxiety you're feeling now. You're doing great. ♥️♥️
Hey, I gave birth a year ago and it took me about two months post partum to get my appetite back. It's not great, but it's not completely unusual. You're doing so well!
I keep oscillating widely between bingeing and restricting. Bingeing all the comfort foods, then feeling guilty and shameful about it/my changing body the next day. It's a HORRIFIC cycle, even as I recognize that it is totally okay and normal for bodies to change over time, and we're in an unprecedented time period. I'm sending all the light and good thoughts to all of us!
oh my god, yes. I've already been talking about my disordered eating with my therapist before all this started because I have real issues feeling ok eating anything sometimes. this is making it worse because at work I can control the access I have to food (which sounds terrible and yes my therapist has heard me say this and has feelings about it that we process), but now at home it's like... the food is all here. and i'm scared of the food. My therapist is honestly so great and I love him, he's giving me homework to just try to eat midday sometimes. but this is hard. I feel bad about it though because I know food insecurity is such an issue all the time but especially now. a vicious cycle.
My disordered eating tends toward trying to eat "clean" "whole" foods so having to eat a bunch of shelf stable starches and carbs is really stressing me out and pushing me toward restriction. Part of that restriction is also that I'm nervous about running out of food, but I know that's mostly just a cover
Oh yes, thanks for this Nicole. I keep forgetting to eat! Any disruption to my routine is bad for my mental health but particularly my disordered eating. Plus, I feel like I am exerting less energy (I walked 1-2 miles each day during my normal work schedule because I had a sucky parking spot) so I feel like I "can't" eat as much :(
I just got out of a teletherapy session takling EXACTLY about this, so I am in the perfect spot to tell you... You don't have to do anything to deserve to eat. You deserve to eat because you are a person who requires food to live! You got this!
Ugh I’m a server so I normally get a couple miles walking laps around the restaurant and I’m having so much trouble not “making up” those calories. Today has been... especially hard.
This is mine: I am insanely envious of everyone who stops eating when stressed, and I feel like a failure for not losing my appetite despite being stressed and anxious, for not having a "real" eating disorder. I love food, eating is the one thing that brings me comfort, and I am so disgusted at myself because I am eating normally (neither binging nor strictly restricting nor avoiding carbs) despite the restrictions on grocery shopping and dining out. Why don't I have the discipline? What is wrong with me that I can't do what so many can?
Despite knowing that lack of food is making me sick and unhappy, I feel so stupid and broken when eating feels like an awful chore, and I look around and see other people enjoying and finding comfort in it.
Like, humans need to eat to survive! Why do I have such a problem with it? What is wrong with me that I can't find a way to at least manage it, if I can't be like those who are able to enjoy it?
Anyway, I'm sorry that society is much kinder about my problem than yours. It sucks, and during these stressful times, you shouldn't have to feel disgusted at yourself for finding comfort where you can! Maybe give yourself a little credit for not letting this mess up your normal eating routine - I'm sure society tells you otherwise, but that sounds like discipline to me!
I promise I do know this was a joke, but if it felt too true for anyone reading: I will absolutely, no questions asked, send you some money. It can be food money, earmarked specifically for food, that you don't feel bad about spending on food. (@phoebecook on Venmo)
Once you have the food, the eating part is a clearly a little rough for many of us! But that's what we have this thread for.
This is the kindest and most generous comment to my most flippant and silly joke. I really really hope someone in need sees your comment and reaches out. Sending so much love and gratitude to you for your gracious example <3
I typically walk four miles a day, and it's helped me get my body to a place over the past year that I liked it while not restricting my eating (I have a history of anorexia I have to be aware of), which has been rare for me since ... ever. Then this happened, and coincidentally a few weeks before I had stopped taking my antidepressants (for egg donation!) which also were suppressing my appetite a bit, and the results are just. Ugh. I gave my too-big-for-me pants all to neighbours already, so I'm living in leggings and trying so hard not to think about it. Knowing that people in my community are dealing with food insecurity right now just makes me feel worse -- I've been donating what I can, but here I am, absorbed with this objectively petty problem that isn't really a problem at all outside my own head. :T Solidarity to everyone in a similar position, it'd be nice if anxiety fixated on the rational.
I have autism and I’ve struggled with breakfast my entire life. I have awful hunger pains in the morning but the idea of eating is mostly repulsive. The only thing I can stand to eat in the morning is yogurt and all the grocery stores in my area are sold out... sigh.
Whew! Lots of panicking about eating in excess compounded by pregnancy. I was so sick in my first trimester that I lost weight (and a teeny bit proud of it, even though I was miserable - ahh c'est la addiction) and now that I'm heavier than my pre-pregnancy weight it also feels like one more thing I don't have control over. I'm still having cake today because it's my birthday goddammit, but very grateful I don't have a scale at home to obsess over right now.
Reading this has been a relief. I see so many ppl talking about eating all their snacks, etc and I’m struggling daily to maintain caloric intake. It’s made harder since my housemate has to use our small dining/kitchen area to work and I have mostly meals that must be made from scratch, so I feel intrusive. Then my guilt over having the luxury of food in general adds to it making me want to avoid food more. Sigh. Thank you all for sharing your struggle. It’s frustrating but reassuring.
I spent 2 hours making GF funnel cake but I can't bring myself to eat it. It was an attempt to have a "project" for the day. I took a few bites and spit it out immediately. This is happening at most meals. I can't bring myself to swallow food unless I am very very hungry. This results in about one full meal every other day and snacks when I can stomach them.
At first, I was very worried about running out of food so I started restricting and now that I'm weeks into Bunker Life and have made several grocery orders I am not so concerned about running out of food, but I am still not eating a whole lot. It doesn't help that my anxiety often manifests by feeling like my stomach is full of rocks.
I also have always depended on the cooking of strangers. I hate cooking. So in the absence of getting a lot of already-prepared food from restaurants and such, I am Not Cooking ergo eating A yogurt and a cup that's half granola and half plain oats (?) even though I have over 10 Omaha Steakburgers in my freezer (a Christmas present or something from my partner's aunt.) My partner says he'll cook for me but so far he hasn't which is almost a relief
This sounds so hard. If you can go a little easy on yourself about *what* you're eating, try to. Yogurt is food and so is granola/oats. It's not enough, obviously, but it's what you can manage for now. I don't know what your food access is like--things are getting quite bad in my city--but, back in the day when I was really ill and had zero energy to cook/wash up, I ate a lot of Amy's frozen entrees. You stab them, you microwave or oven them, and they always turn out pretty decent. Give yourself as many cheats as you need; it's all food. We're not getting graded on it. (Thank god.)
As an OCDer: You can't help him and I promise he doesn't expect you to. You can tell him you love him and try to help him not be alone in his head by distracting him. And occasionally let him talk out worst case scenarios if you can stand it. But that's it. I know it hurts to watch.
I think he knows I am restricting but doesn't have the bandwidth to help because he is doing so badly with his OCD and agoraphobia. Likewise, I know about those but I don't even know how to really help him right now
I was actually trying to work on some disordered eating behaviours before all this started, focusing on eating with other people. I've always had social anxiety stuff which often manifests as nausea and then fixating on the fear of throwing up halfway through a meal - but only when I'm around other people (I think there's a 'must finish my plate so I don't seem rude or weird' aspect to it). So I was trying to work on chilling out about that, then we went into lockdown, and I live on my own so I'm not going to be eating meals with anyone for a while... It's fine for now, one less problem to deal with tbh, but I don't know whether that's just going to make it worse once everything does go back to normal and someone invites me round for dinner.
I think I've had a fraught relationship with food for most of my life, but didn't really recognize it in myself until last summer, when I realized I'd been doing the below-mentioned Devil Wears Prada diet for several weeks. No therapist, no money for one, no other appropriate and healthy person to talk to about it. For reasons I still don't really understand, partly but not exclusively work stress, hunger felt better to me than having eaten, as long as I wasn't so hungry my head hurt too much to move. The situation deteriorated quickly until I felt in imminent danger of lasting physical harm and impulse-quit the job (despite having no savings), and then it deteriorated more slowly for another month or two. Since then I've been dragging my unfocused self through yet another job search, making an occasional $100 with freelance work and benefiting from a lot of help my parents can't really afford to be giving me, so I'm always running from the side effects of challenging myself to need as little from them as possible. I like my increased resourcefulness w/r/t ingredients and am pleasantly surprised by my slightly increased speed in getting through a job application, but the Thoughts that are accompanying this extra introspection are ... not helping.
I’m doing okay but I’m losing weight from stress and accidentally doing the “eat essentially nothing and then when I think I’m going to pass out, I have a small square of cheese” diet from Devil Wears Prada and I’m juuuuust trying to monitor that and be aware of it.
YES I am only eating when my headache forces me
oh folks!!!! my appetite has just completely left me, which is making it really hard to eat. i've got binge eating disorder so this kind of swing in the other direction is really new and scary? like i have a lot of coping mechanisms for eating too MUCH in times of stress but what am i supposed to do when suddenly my body is like "if you even SMELL food you're going to vomit." and i'm a BIG exerciser; i run an average of 6 miles a day. i can't not eat. like what ..... how do people deal with that?
I've had moderate success with finding a food that is relatively nutritious that I can stand eating, and I just eat that for as long as it takes for my body to settle a bit. Trader Joe's frozen, microwaveable rice and their frozen grilled chicken strips--it's easy to make, easy on the stomach, and I don't have to think about it.
Thank you for reminding me that those two things are connected! My brain tries to separate them, and then deal with neither.
This is me during the day, except it's a handful of Cheddar jack Cheez Its (try them, way better than the original). But then at night I'm like "what about third dessert??" Having liege waffles in the freezer is helping with breakfast, at least.
Yes, this is exactly what I'm doing! I am trying to focus on the positive side ("At least I'm getting some food into my body") and not feeling bad in two conflicting directions at once.
third dessert is a brilliant idea
legit also not eating all day and then will feel faint and be like oh maybe i should eat
I'm doing the same thing. We have tons of food in the house but I also have a toddler and I have the irrational fear (it is irrational, right? Please tell me it's irrational) that we're going to run out and all starve, so I can feel myself trying to eat as little as possible.
My roommate does supply chain logistics for Kraft & let me assure you - the food is getting where it's going, and you will continue to have access to it
It is irrational! The supply chain is still mostly humming along. Think of it as putting your oxygen mask on so you're not taking your hangry out on loved ones. Or uh, maybe that's just me.
That's definitely me too. :-)
I'm having the same issue on top of already being at my thinnest in a long time due to breastfeeding/toddler chasing. Nicole, this thread couldn't have come at a better time.
Same here, and I’ve been jealous of all the people talking about overeating.
Right? I've fought really hard to get to a point where eating three moderate-sized meals a day is the norm for me (as opposed to two big ones, or one giant bag of chips, or nothing), and this has thrown off my rhythm. I've started setting alarms for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and that at least reminds me.
https://melanietheconstantreader.substack.com/
I can’t seem to taste salt and so no appetite for usual favourite snacks or real food.
Not to worry you, but that is a symptom of Covid. It’s probably not though!
I’m already self-isolating working from home so will keep an eye on this!
There are many, many ways of having disordered eating and if you are bingeing or restricting this is something a lot of people in various stages of recovery are finding tough to deal with in our current situation. I love all of you.
Nicole, all of us love you right back. Thank you for hosting this thread; it's clearly resonating with a lot of us!
I almost cried when I saw the name of this thread and this comment specifically. Thanks, Nicole, you're the best.
i am really trying my best, but every meal i eat is a struggle because i live alone, so who would know if i just... let my disordered thoughts take over? every morning i wake up and think "what if i didn't eat today?" and every morning i make myself make breakfast and it's so hard i almost cried over my scrambled eggs today. i am trying my best and so far i am winning but i am SO TIRED and SO JEALOUS of people who can just? put food into their mouths? like it's nothing? i'm so tired guys.
hi you are absolutely crushing it, you made scrambled eggs this morning! so did I, even though it was so emotionally confusing! it’s so exhausting and I’m so proud of both of us ♥️♥️♥️♥️
i'm so proud of you for making your eggs <3
living alone is so hard with food. cooking for one sucks, but "meals for one" are inevitably a mess and also bad, and it's really easy to be like "well, no one can see, so why don't i just [do whatever behavior]." i feel you completely. i don't have any advice i just .... feel you completely, pal. it's so exhausting. <3
all of this, oh my god. i hope you're hanging in there <3
you too, babe. one thing i am trying to remind myself of is: you don't have a body, you ARE a body. for me that's really helpful because i spent a long time (/still spend some time...) thinking that like, "oh, my brain is Smart and Funny and Cool it's such a shame we're trapped in this terrible flesh prison." but now i'm trying to think like, my brain is an organ! it's just one organ in the whole body that is me. i feel it books, and i have to feed the rest of me eggs. i don't know if this is a helpful way of thinking for you or not BUT either way: you ate some eggs today and i'm really really proud of you!!
oh, i like that. i think i might write it on my bathroom mirror - i'm literally down to try anything that might help. thank you for being so kind, i really appreciate it - i DID eat some eggs today, and tomorrow i will have the experience of today to help me eat them then too! (also, i hope you ate your eggs too - and if you didn't, i believe in you! we can make it through this!)
I have a really lovely cookbook "the joys of cooking for one" maybe you would like a copy?
this is a lovely thought, thank you <3 i'll look it up!
Also, Jane Marie (<3 u janie) did some blog posts a long time ago about cooking for one (for a magazine, I think?, but they’re online) - I’ve used a few and really liked then
hopped onto google but can't seem to track these down - any tips to help me narrow my search? <3
You're a badass for winning so far, and please remember that a not-perfect day doesn't negate all the awesome work you've been doing.
this is a really important reminder, thank you <3
Every bite is a victory and you are killing it. Sending good vibes your way
thank you so much <3
I know. I have been setting alarms on my google home. It goes off for three meals and three snacks. It is torture to put food in my mouth that many times. But I am just here to say... you got this. You can shove that food in your pie hole and swallow. I believe in you!
i'm so glad you've found a strategy that helps, and i'm so proud of you <3 i believe in you right back <3
I hear you and I see you and I cannot overstate how much "I'm SO TIRED and SO JEALOUS of people who can just ? put food into their mouths?" YESSS. OH I am so tired. Sending love and I have been trying @mo's trick of talking about myself as a whole vs parts. It does help me. <3
it's exhausting to THINK so much about something that so many people just? don't seem to have to? but i am sending you love and energy! we can get through this <3
I think you are extremely brave and strong.
your encouragement means so much more than you know <3
With you 💜
right back at you <3
Thank you for this - can I share something positive? My friend posted on instastories last night " see a roll, send a roll" and so I responded with a (relatively much larger) stomach roll, saying "did I do this right?" and I thought it would be some "haha we're gonna get soooo fat" like all the stupid memes but she just said yes! and a heart eye emojis and I just felt SO BEAUTIFUL in that moment and it was lovely.
That is really lovely!
I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum from some of you, it seems. I'm eating my feelings. Because I can't go to the gym and I haven't been going for walks, my body is changing quickly.
I saw a Tumblr post the other day that resonated: "Even if I don't like my body today, I will take care of it."
Now it's just a matter of getting my dopamine from another source.
Oh my god I am comfort eating so much. I also feel really guilty about how I'm eating more than my fair share of things that I should be sharing with my wife.
I definitely feel my "food addict" behaviors are returning. Secret eating, shame about what I've eaten, eating even when I'm not enjoying it. Ooof.
I feel you. First line of defense: work on the guilt and shame. My roommate has been exceptionally good at not making me feel like a failure when I eat junk. That means the feelings are coming from me, and I need to deal with them. We're not failures or bad people for our coping mechanism, but we do owe it to ourselves to take the emotions out of it.
oh this, i needed to hear this!!! THank you.
The past two days I snacked and passed out before dinner and I thought I was over that. I've always been proud of myself for not letting my depression let me skip at least ONE real meal day, and yet. (I did also have chicken for lunch, napped, and threw it up, so...)
I think a lot of us are falling into habits we thought we were done with. It's just a hard time overall.
This is usually me but I'm so nervous about running out of food and every grocery trip is fraught.
Trader Joe's is so scary right now!
I never knew my little Bambino Pepperoni Pizzas were so popular. I miss them.
I bouught some last month on my dental cleaning/TJ run (both are closely located to each other but not my house). I was stocking up because of u-no-what, and was staring at the frozen pizzas. A lady scooped up six, and I grabbed three figuring she must know what she was doing. They are quite good.
Oh gosh, I'm sorry. To have fear on top of a concern about your coping mechanism is just hard. Please take care of yourself.
It me. It SO MUCH ME. But I keep telling myself that my survival over the next few months is more important than how my body looks at the end, and that I need to throw all my expectations out the window because this is an truly unexpectable situation.
Prioritize your mental health over your need for a six pack right now. That's what I'm telling myself, at least.
I was trying to get some workouts in but every time I try, my kids try to ride me like a horse.
Kids are super helpful in times like these. Regardless, they see you trying. That's important, even if the end result isn't what you want.
pahahaha
^THIS
We'll get through it. We're too strong not to, even if we fall down sometimes.
I'm like...halfway in between? Some days I eat twice a day, but they're foods with lots of nutrients and I feel like I'm taking everything I've learned and channeling it into those foods. And some days I eat five meals and one of those meals is just fist fulls of frozen chocolate chips. I've been busy with work and can't walk, I'm injured and so can't do most of the in home workouts everybody seems to be doing and I just can't find BALANCE.
I remember when my foot was broken, I felt like I couldn't get my life in order. You'll get back to 100%. It just sucks because we all have to fight a little harder right now.
Thanks, you're definitely right and I really needed to hear that. It's hard, too, because there are some habits I had at the worst part of my relationship with my body that actually might be good now (in terms of how to work exercise into my day) but they're so tainted from that time in my life that it doesn't feel worth the risk. This is exhausting.
I'm sorry. Just remember that you aren't alone. A lot of us seem to be facing demons right now. It doesn't make us bad or inept. Just that we're dealing with stuff.
I had to stop with iced tea and lemonade because it was upsetting my stomach and I couldn't get to sleep..
I hate that I'm excited about being too depressed and anxious to eat because I keep being like, well maybe I'll lose weight during all this bullshit and I know that's not a healthy way to think and that it's not going to help me care for myself, but here I am!! Also the very real economic insecurity right now makes eating complicated because I don't know how long I'll be able to afford food/be able to afford "good" food ugh!
That mix of being happy you’re losing weight but knowing the way you’re doing it is unhealthy is so hard. Sending love
I'm right there with you. Before the crisis, I was doing so well. But now I don't have that much of an appetite, and I keep trying to spin it in a positive way. No bueno.
OMG crazy that you would bring this up because I kind of thought it was not a relatable thing? The chaos and lack of control in my life has caused me to pretty much stop eating all together. Why!? It's annoying, and the worst part is that as the numbers on the scale keep dropping, my desire to eat decreases. It's some kind of fucked up vicious cycle.
I've been more or less recovered for well over a decade now and I've weathered unintentional weight loss before (thanks to anxiety). And YET there's a part of me that will never not be excited about the dropping numbers, even when I know it's bad and I feel awful.
Oh man, same. For me it's this combo of control and a completely irrational fear that I'll run out of food (I panic-shopped just like everyone else in the U.S.! I probably have enough food to last me through June).
I dropped a fair amount of weight in the last few weeks and it feels so awfully good... and I'm ashamed of myself that it feels good. And I'm ashamed of myself that I had to increase my daily dose of anti-anxiety meds... but the icy calm it gives me feels so good.
All of this feels so small and petty and stupid to say out loud.
oh welcome to the club of my brain! <3 SO relatable
I’m having such a hard time with seeing the panic buying and feeling like I need to hoard food and secret eating and then swinging to the other end of the spectrum and not wanting to eat food and ration because what if there’s no more food? I’m managing it okay, but I have to remind myself that I’m not starving and this isn’t a zombie apocalypse.
I bought a jar of speculoos butter at TJs and have been taking secret shame spoons at night after dinner.
Same. But Nutella. And chocolate in my bedside drawer.
I have been thinking that nutella would make the speculoos so much better ... and so much worse! (Also, reese's eggs in the cabinet above the microwave)
I wish I could stop. It’s such a strange feeling. Like I’m not allowed to have it because we have to ration but I still want to eat it. So I’m sneaking it. My brain hurts trying to rationalize this.
I feel powerless in front of it, too. Like, part of me is just watching the shame eating part of me just... eat things that I know I shouldn't. Also, I feel guilty about not trying to be as healthy as possible to make sure I'm as small a burden on the healthcare system as possible right now.
Shame eating is it’s own hell. Don’t worry about additional burden in the healthcare industry.
Oh god, I guess you haven't seen the combo chocolate/speculoos butter at Trader Joe's? I only got it once but that's basically what it is.
This is me too. We didn't get all/enough food in either of our last two weeks' grocery shops, and feeling like food may simply not be available is really playing havoc with my anxiety and disordered eating. I feel like to need to ration and not eat because my children may need that food, but restricting makes me lose my composure entirely, and I'm right back where I was years ago, thinking constantly about food, anxious and snappish and self-loathing. I didn't realize quite how important to my recovery it was to shop for a week's groceries to support a good meal plan, and now that's not available to me and it's really hard.
Hard same. Before the existential dread set in and completely killed my appetite, I kept eating and felt like I'd never be full. Even imaginary food scarcity is new to me, and it's a mindfuck.
I had (have had) binge-eating disorder for years and I THOUGHT that I had finally kicked it, but nope, nope, I am binging again, it is stress, it is horrific stress, and at the moment my choices are (buy some junk food from the store when I do go grocery shopping, eat it but don't touch my For Emergencies Only can stash) or (shop healthily, but effing binge-eating the food that's only supposed to be for emergencies), and, uh, at the moment the former is safer than the latter, but aaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Sending love... binging is such a comfort in weird times like this. You're not alone
This is me and ice cream right now. Aaaaaaaaaaaah.
Just here to join you in Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah solidarity
I wish I had something constructive to add, but mostly I just hate my body/seeing my face on the webcam much more than usual
God, I hate video calls.
I am moving in with my girlfriend in about 2 months, circumstances allowing. She has a severe eating disorder and I have a mild one—for fear of triggering her or bringing up a topic that may be more difficult for her, I rarely bring up my own issues with food.
Quarantine is obviously a weird time for food, I have gained a few pounds because of stress eating and I hate this. My particular neurosis has to do with a very specific weight that I feel I “should” be at, and if I go over or under it I tend to go a little crazy. I don’t know how to address this with my girlfriend, what I want to say is that if we both have gained a few pounds when we next see each other, that’s okay? But this feels inappropriate to say even as a joke. I know I am a trigger for her in general because I am smaller than her, and it never feels helpful to say anything or complain about my body.
Anyway I am making cinnamon rolls today, I am waiting for them to rise.
That situation sounds really hard. Hope you and your girlfriend figure a way through it that leaves you both feeling heard and supported.
Thank you! What a kind thing to say. It actually helps a lot to type it somewhere that I know it won’t do harm.
I hope you guys find a way through it. It sounds like a really hard situation, but I believe in you both! How did your cinnamon rolls turn out? I love them so much but I've never been able to make them properly. My house is too cold all of the time and nothing ever rises. :(
I’m struggling. I love baking and cooking and eating, but i also hear and see all this “use this time to get right and lose weight.” In the past week I’ve binged, thrown up, and just not eaten for a few days. I live alone so it’s so easy and there’s so much time to just think and be bored.
i'm so sorry you're struggling <3 you deserve to be kind to yourself and kind to your body, even though i know that can be so hard. sending you good vibes <3
I'm a competitive powerlifter who dropped 3 weight classes in 2 years so I could qualify for Nationals. Qualifying meets are cancelled, Nationals are probably cancelled, and I have no motivation to eat right or train in the homegym that I'm lucky to have. I'm eating no protein and all the sugar and carbs and liquor. I feel awful and out of control.
competitive powerlifter here as welll -- I totally feel you :( making myself eat protein is hard even when times are good.
It's so weird. Because I usually make most of my meals at home anyway. And not having to think about if it'll pack to commute to work should make things easier. But I've completely lost the plot on how to feed and water myself this week.
I did notice that there's definitely an element of exerting control involved, if I can just master my own appetite that's something within my power when almost nothing else is.
Control is/was a huge part of my disordered eating, but I didn't even think of what's happening right now in those terms until I saw this comment. Also, solidarity.
CW: covid, death
I have binge eating disorder and my ED group ended a couple weeks before everything shut down and neither of my regular clinicians do much with eating disorders. So that’s been hard. And right now I’m very focused on being fat and how that may (I can’t quite tease it out) be a huge risk factor for covid....and then I start thinking about how it’s likely that even though I’m youngish (34) I’m fat and have a new diagnoses of diabetes and maybe the doctors wouldn’t save me; probably they’d triage me out.
Then I eat more.
No formal eating disorder diagnosis, but I know my relationship with food is terrible. I'm fat and diabetic. I was on insulin for awhile, along with some other things and just...stopped. No matter how hard I tried to stick to the regiment and take my medicine and cut out unnecessary sugar, every time I checked my blood sugar and saw it in the 200, 300, 400 (my record high is 496) range, even with increased insulin doses...eventually I became so discouraged and frustrated and full of self-loathing because obviously I was a complete failure that I just gave up. So now I'm living with uncontrolled diabetes, my house is full of sugary food, and now I'm home all day every day, working remotely at my sedentary job while my feet continue to swell and grow numb because I can't get out of the house. I ordered a footrest and compression socks, but I'm looking at a month-long wait for delivery and have been using my Squatty Potty in the meantime, which is about as uncomfortable as nothing at all. The stress of all this plus my total lack of self-control has put any good eating habits I might have had in the trash and I hate myself for it. I know I'm killing myself, but since I've never landed in the hospital or had anything amputated yet, I guess the stakes just aren't high enough for me to have the motivation to get my shit together. I know I need to start seeing a doctor again, but I'm afraid. I know that's stupid, that this will only get worse if I don't, but I'm paralyzed by fear and my brain convincing me that I don't deserve to get better or help. That my diabetes diagnosis is my fault and I deserve to suffer. I'm just self-aware enough to know that this isn't true, but can't get out of the spiral. I also know I need therapy, but the task of 1. finding a therapist that's 2. in my network and 3. accepting new patients and 4. is someone that I'm comfortable with is so daunting that I can't even start.
Okay, this became A LOT. I don't know what I'm looking for. Advice? For someone to tell me that putting in the work to get better is actually worth it? I don't know. But thanks for providing this space, Nicole. It feels slightly okay to finally get it out in the open. I hope I'm not hijacking by not focusing entirely on disordered eating.
Hurting so much for you. It sounds like you're living in absolute hell. Look, who cares if your eating gave you diabetes? So what? You don't deserve to die because you like candy. Every single person matters--including you. The fact that you struggle with healthy eating is just... a part of who you are. It doesn't negate the million good qualities you undoubtedly have. FWIW, I'm really worried about you. My best friend passed away from a diabetic stroke a few years ago and I would give anything to go back and do *something*. That's not meant to be a guilt trip; it's meant to be a reminder that someone loves (or will love) you and will be devastated to have you gone.
I don't have much good advice. But I do know that, if you don't have a regular doctor, a teledoc might well be willing to prescribe you insulin, at least to get you through this crisis. Getting through this means traveling, means meeting new people, means experiences you haven't even contemplated yet.
There are some resources in this post and I like the blog a lot: https://heavyweightheart.tumblr.com/post/179807425395/hello-hope-youre-well-im-in-need-of-any-tips wishing you well!!
This is the perfect space for this. I'm so heartened to hear that getting it out has helped a bit. You sound extremely self-aware. This post is a brave and excellent first step. You are a human with dignity and are deserving of the help you need. Period. I really hope you can find it. I have faith in you!
You are inherently worthwhile, and consequently, so is your body. I am so sorry you are struggling with all of this—and you’re right: Putting in the work to get better/be healthier is absolutely worth it, for *all of us* who struggle with disordered eating.
I see you. You matter. 💗
Late to this and I don't know if it helps, but I think some of us feel like if we are not thin or of we are sick we aren't 'allowed' to have an eating disorder - like things that are bad for others are good for us. And that's just not true. It helps me to remove myself that yes these thoughts are fucked up, and they're harmful. They're not 'the motivation I need.' Trying to internalise that has been a big part of getting better from bulimia for me.
I don't know if this is disordered eating/exercising. I certainly wake up and drink 3 cups of coffee and come 4pm I'm ravenous and sad and eating a block of cheese.
But I also have a neuro-muscular disorder, and exercise is a prime thing that keeps it from progressing with alarming speed. I had a good regimen going for about six months, and I felt strong and confident, and now I'm just worried all the time about regressing. If I regress, there's no assurance I'll be able to get that strength back. I can't run - I physically can't run - and I need braces to walk any distance. Ellipticals were the only place I felt stable without the braces and like I could do cardio.
Last Friday I literally went down the street and bought a used bike and I'm so scared our governor is going to close the parks and enforce people being on the streets. I don't know how my body's going to come out of this. How much function am I going to lose?
I am dealing with similar fears with my EDS, which I was making a lot of progress with before this. You are not alone. I hope you are able to find an indoor solution or that biking remains available to you.
In terms of eating, I have not dealt with an ED before but I have a medically very restricted diet and having the motivation to get up and make those limited things (not to mention finding those things) has been really difficult.
I'm just going to say that even those of us who don't struggle with disordered eating are having trouble keeping on an even keel these days (I had to talk myself into dinner the other night, which is... not what I usually do). These are very stressful times and folks should be especially gentle with themselves now.
I really needed this thread. I feel like I'm bouncing between the urge to eat out of boredom and the fear of eating of boredom while not exercising, and the desire to indulge my disordered eating thoughts. I've been generally recovered for about 5 years but I still have a lot of body image weirdness and disordered eating thoughts, and shockingly, being in a situation where everything feels out of control and stressful is bringing back disordered eating thoughts as a way of having some feeling of control
I keep seeing so much information about how eating vegetables is good for you while you're indoors, and I just don't want to buy them because I'm afraid of the food waste (I live by myself, I don't go through a ton of veggies that fast). But then I feel bad if I'm just eating comfort food? I'm keep trying to tell myself that as long as I eat something, it's okay, but I made a big salad last night, ate maybe 1/3 of it and just decided to eat a bowl of tater tots instead. Which is FINE but then I feel guilty for not eating vegetables. Also, so many people talking about at-home movement, which makes me mad, because I want to REST but sitting too much is making me so stiff and in pain, so now I'm just like WHAT DO I DO BESIDES MEDICATE MYSELF INTO OBLIVION.
Whew, that felt good. Thank you.
I don't know if this is helpful to you but my trick these days has just been making sure there are ~some~ vegetables in my comfort food. My chicken & dumplings last night had carrots in it! Win! I'm also big-batching all my comfort foods and freezing half for "when I get sick" so I don't feel weird about it, b/c my brain says eating comfort foods is definitely okay if you're going to eat some when you're sick.
Hahaha, I feel the same. I do not love vegetables but.... sometimes I look up those hiding vegetables in your kids food and I can trick myself while still eating blueberry muffins to eat zucchini too.
My other thing has been morning smoothies with mostly frozen fruit, but also carrots and spinach at small levels. Just pretending has to count sometimes.
I am also getting married (circumstances permitting) in the fall and it is SO. HARD. to avoid all of the "wedding diet" thoughts and propaganda and comments. I keep telling myself I don't have to be a particular size at my wedding but another part of my mind keeps telling me I need to look perfect. and I have no energy to exercise, then I feel guilty about not exercising, then I want to restrict to make up for it, and it's been.... not great!
I'm very glad you're talking about this. My dad (in his early 60s) is just out of a 5-month outpatient anorexia & exercise addiction treatment, and lives alone. I know he is struggling daily, being newly in recovery, and feeling a pull to exercise/walk/not eat.
If anyone has some tips about ways I can support him, I'd love them. I don't want to call him up and say "are you eating? what's for dinner?" all the time, but don't want to not talk about it, since I know he's having such a hard time.
it's super hard to give advice because disordered eating hits everyone differently and i don't know how he feels about eating in front of people, but asking if he'd like to have a standing dinner date with you over video chat for the next little while might be a way to connect about the issue without, you know, making it a whole thing?
Everyone is different and I am a complete stranger, so anything I might say is next to worthless, but when I've been really seriously struggling with mental health things, what I've found most useful is when friends/family do the equivalent of hanging out with me, but not explicitly talking about The Thing unless I bring it up. So...what does your dad like? Can you call him up to talk about books? Can you watch Netflix together on those cool browser extensions? Do the crossword together over the phone? Play board games on Steam?
(Also, like, be calm? I know it's hard, but certainly when people freak out at me about heavy stuff going on in my life, I shut down.)
I am not currently dealing with this, but I just want to say that I had been fairly recovered for almost a decade and then had it flare TF up in the winter, and I'm sure some of you are dealing with that now. It's okay! You'll be okay. You are not a terrible person because of it, and you will find order again soon. :) I love you all.
Luckily I’m quarantined with a supportive partner who doesn’t have much work to do, so he’s been helping keeping me fed, but despite that, I just want to over exercise now. I went so hard for so long at an empty park by our apartment that I can barely move today. Just can’t stop obsessing over fitting into my jeans once again when this is all over.
Yes-the exercise has definitely revved up just because of stress and fear and also a desire to DO SOMETHING.
I'm wishing all of you so many good things; we're all in the same leaky boat right now. I've been... really struggling. I knew I needed to get help (read: medication) for binge-eating before this all started, but it just seemed like too much to deal between doctors' unhelpful hours and bad insurance. Regretting that so much, especially now that I don't know whether I'm getting laid off or not. It's never exactly prime hiring season for corporate rare books librarians, you know?
Every day, my (anorexic, of course) mother leaves for her post-retirement job and I immediately start planning everything I can eat without her noticing. A couple candies, a couple cookies, some chips out of an open bag, a spoonful of peanut butter, until I have to stop or get caught. The only thing that stops me is the shame. Today, I ate a day's worth of food by 11:00 am, so I've been struggling not to eat for, oh, almost 8 hours now. Not that she doesn't know. Yoga pants don't hide much.
i'm so sorry you're struggling <3
I am a doctor with ADHD (freshly diagnosed, yay!) who just started working in ED, and it's really messing with my food schedule. I tend to forget to eat, especially if my day is busy and/or unstructured, and working in an emergency department is nothing if not busy and unstructured, lmao. Yesterday I was working 2:30pm-midnight, which meant I forgot to eat in the morning because of sleeping in and playing animal crossing, then didnt have time to eat at work (there aren't any defined break times, you just have to grab them when you can), then got home at midnight both intellectually knowing I was really hungry but physically feeling utterly unable to eat anything, like I'd suppressed hunger for so long my body was just refusing to acknowledge it needed food anymore. (And there was a little sprinkle of "which of these stockpiled quarantine foods should I eat first, maybe I shouldnt eat anything to make sure I have enough for later" anxiety for spice.)
Plus now we have to wear surgical masks at all times in the department, so I can't have a quick snack at the desk in between patients like I could before - I have to physically get up, go to the tea room or the corridor outside the department, take off my mask, wash my hands, and THEN eat or drink whatever it was I wanted, while feeling guilty, like someone will yell at me if they catch me Not Working. And half the time when I go to do this someone calls me wanting something written up or a patient reviewed, so I have to do it all in reverse before going back in even hangrier than I was before 😭
Anyway. It's not strictly disordered eating I guess, more a side effect of ADHD, but I've gotten down to a dangerous weight with this before, and I'm really worried it'll happen again now that I have very little structure and lots to do. 😣
I have nothing to offer but internet hugs, if you want them. You are important and I hope you can find a way to take care of yourself. The fact that you're a doctor makes that doubly true, but it would be true even if you were a civilian watching Netflix like the rest of us.
Oof, thanks for starting this thread. I'm in eating disorder recovery right now and this is a terrible time with food, and everyone suddenly posting about their quarantine workouts.
Oh my god the see 10 do 10 tag 10 thing... I am at once thankful no one has tagged me in it but also am mad no one has tagged me in it? But also really don't want to try to do pushups with a literally captive audience.
I'm having the same reaction actually! On one hand I'm thinking "ugh everyone's obsession with working out in quarantine is a bit triggering" and then ".......does everyone think I can't do push ups now???" I feel weirdly hyper aware of having the eating disorder thoughts closely beside the who-I-want-to-be thoughts.
My disordered eating hasn’t been this bad in decades. I feel awful in every way, even worse, I feel my problems oozing out and affecting my children. I have two daughters, and since my oldest was two, I have doubled down on all of my efforts to speak kindly about my body, and really actively try to find joy in food. But this whole situation has MESSED ME UP. I’m not eating, and worse, I’m commenting about how much my family is eating (like I actually told my child she couldn’t have a second bowl of cereal this morning because scarcity, I guess?) What is happening?? I feel like a terrible person, a terrible mother, and a terrible partner. Did NOT expect to feel like a monster throughout this quarantine. I’m also COVID-19 unemployed now, so that’s made things even messier. Thank you for giving me a place to say all of this. I’m trying so hard to maintain some semblance of positivity any time I talk to a real person, so this is really so appreciated.
We were already dealing with a lot of power struggles at the table with my three year olds and feeling like there is food scarcity is really intensifying that. My husband wants to start insisting that they clear their plates, but I have both ideological and personal problems with that, and it is not good!
Eating gets really hard for me when my anxiety gets high, and a lot of it almost feels like decision fatigue for me? All the little considerations about what to eat just pile up and make eating impossible.
The problem now is all of my coping mechanisms rely on eating food out. I know a lot of people aren’t like this but releasing control helps me actually eat and I can’t do that right now. The couple places I am an accidental regular at because I can always make myself eat there I can’t go to. I’m trying to eat at least twice every day, which had been sorta working. I’m just so tired, and so much energy is going to this.
It's so decision fatigue for me. "I could make this. Or that. Or ... *stares at fridge* why bother." A cold glass of white wine is the only thing that sounds good to me at the moment.
The number of times I’ve done that exact thing and ended up just getting a drink in the past two weeks is a lot. It doesn’t help that I live alone so there’s no one around to make food I can nibble off their plate or notice I’m not eating
Binge eater/bulimic. I'm stress-eating a lot but haven't returned to purging. I still have to physically go into to work (medical manufacturer) and the pressure of trying to keep the medical supply chain moving, plus the fact that so many co-workers aren't taking it seriously is really getting to me. My husband is working from home and has serious cabin fever so I go from a crowded, busy factory to a husband who has had no human contact all day. Winter has finally decided to arrive here, so it's too cold to go running. I'm trying to placate it with bodyweight work at home, taking walks and hikes, and remembering my mantras. I had to cancel therapy this week because I couldn't handle the stress of having to talk to yet another person.
I'm isolating with my senior parents and it's difficult in some pretty predictable ways. My dad has always talked about weight and bodies in a way that's pretty unpleasant for me to hear/grow up with. It also doesn't feel like a great time to have a frank conversation with him about my concerns, as I fear spiraling upset and blowups.
(FYI, he's not commenting at my body specifically, he'll just comment on people's weight/loss/gain, say "good for them" in odd/condescending ways, use "being bad" type language, generally very uncritically reiterates fat = bad/unhealthy and calorie reduction = good reasoning, and does binge/portion control himself in ways I find concerning.)
My mom was similar when I was growing up, and put pressure on me to be skinnier from a young age, but has deliberately changed her behavior when I pushed back as an adult. I appreciate how she's worked to curb weight talk. She was concerned I've lost weight since the pandemic and was worrying I was portion restricting to save food for them, which I haven't been.
I'm feeling a lot of love for everybody, and the many ways tension and fear and potential shortages are messing with us and our varied relationships with food and family and our bodies.
I cannot imagine being with my parents right now. I love them so much but... yeah. But you are doing so great! Awareness is half the battle!
Also where I live at the moment there's not super stable supplies of food -- add this to the fact that I'm in a high-risk group and thus can't venture out much, and my past two weekly grocery store trips have been like "what's here? oh, random stuff? cool, guess I'm eating random stuff this week" which is SO SCARY for someone who normally needs to protect her mental health by really carefully planning her diet.
(Also when I was a kid I was, bitterly ironically, caught in a small epidemic that resulted in me spending a few weeks with very little access to food, so in addition to the past three months of flashbacks to me being a small child and seeing a bunch of people around me get sick and die, I'm now like "sh*t, I gonna be starving again, won't I?". Which is such a selfish response, given the very real current global horror, but that's where my brain's at.)
I am! Struggling! Up until recent events, I was forgetting to eat so often that I had to set alarms on my phone, and that was working pretty okay, but now that I’m home all the time, I’m oscillating Wildly between forgetting to eat and eating when I’m nowhere near hungry, and I can’t seem to get the signals between body and brain settled.
I have a newborn (it's been a weird month) and remembering to eat at all is... hard. I was at my pre-pregnancy weight a week postpartum, and I know I haven't been eating enough since but time is even more immaterial than it would have been were I just "normal" self-isolated, and actual decent food in is happening... once a day, maybe.
Oh man, eating right as a new parent is already hard and isolating. I hope you're getting help from someone and are able to take some breaks. The better you are taken care of, the better you can be there for the kiddo. But also, it's not just about being there for the kiddo - you deserve to be happy regardless! Parents are people outside of being parents...
Sorry for ranting at you at the end.
Haha totally cool. My husband has been really fantastic and supportive! But he's not the best eater even when our lives are relatively normal, so we're both not great at it right now. I just need to... remember food.
Oh mama, I feel you! I won't start giving tips unsolicited, but let me know if you want any. 19 mpp here and still on this wild ride.
I would LOVE tips. I'm in this bizarre space where I'm both constantly hungry but also I forget to eat -- and somehow, nothing sounds good. Any advice you have would be accepted with open arms.
Nuts and ice cream. Kind bars have been my go-to, and for the first few months I probably ate 2-3 a day, including during night feedings. I literally just stashed them around the house. And a big ass bowl of ice cream before bed. Or full-fat yogurt with Nutella. As for real meals, one a day sounds pretty good! If it's at all possible to sit and eat one without baby, donut whenever you can. You need to pee, eat, and sleep, and frankly I found that prioritizing them in that order was best (even though I always desperately wanted to sleep more than eat). That's where the Kind bars come in. Eat one lying down in bed before you take a nap. Also fuck salads. Not enough calories, they take away too long to eat. You want one dish meals that you can scoop out, microwave if you have the luxury of that time, and shove into your face before the baby wakes up again. Good luck! in a couple months you'll look back and be rightfully impressed with yourself for how well you got through this period. It doesn't get better in a linear fashion, but it does get better and easier.
As a currently pregnant - just want to say - yea, this is a very odd time to become a parent and hear you on the time-warp of what even is a day?
Time isn't real! The sun is an illusion! What day of the week is it!
Also big hugs to you. We left the hospital days before crap hit the fan pandemic-wise, and I can't imagine the anxiety you're feeling now. You're doing great. ♥️♥️
Hey, I gave birth a year ago and it took me about two months post partum to get my appetite back. It's not great, but it's not completely unusual. You're doing so well!
Oh you're a doll. Bless you. ♥️
I keep oscillating widely between bingeing and restricting. Bingeing all the comfort foods, then feeling guilty and shameful about it/my changing body the next day. It's a HORRIFIC cycle, even as I recognize that it is totally okay and normal for bodies to change over time, and we're in an unprecedented time period. I'm sending all the light and good thoughts to all of us!
oh my god, yes. I've already been talking about my disordered eating with my therapist before all this started because I have real issues feeling ok eating anything sometimes. this is making it worse because at work I can control the access I have to food (which sounds terrible and yes my therapist has heard me say this and has feelings about it that we process), but now at home it's like... the food is all here. and i'm scared of the food. My therapist is honestly so great and I love him, he's giving me homework to just try to eat midday sometimes. but this is hard. I feel bad about it though because I know food insecurity is such an issue all the time but especially now. a vicious cycle.
My disordered eating tends toward trying to eat "clean" "whole" foods so having to eat a bunch of shelf stable starches and carbs is really stressing me out and pushing me toward restriction. Part of that restriction is also that I'm nervous about running out of food, but I know that's mostly just a cover
feel this so much. Sending love and support 💜
Oh yes, thanks for this Nicole. I keep forgetting to eat! Any disruption to my routine is bad for my mental health but particularly my disordered eating. Plus, I feel like I am exerting less energy (I walked 1-2 miles each day during my normal work schedule because I had a sucky parking spot) so I feel like I "can't" eat as much :(
I just got out of a teletherapy session takling EXACTLY about this, so I am in the perfect spot to tell you... You don't have to do anything to deserve to eat. You deserve to eat because you are a person who requires food to live! You got this!
THANK YOU <3
Ugh I’m a server so I normally get a couple miles walking laps around the restaurant and I’m having so much trouble not “making up” those calories. Today has been... especially hard.
I was a server for a long time so I know what you mean. Sending you love.
This is mine: I am insanely envious of everyone who stops eating when stressed, and I feel like a failure for not losing my appetite despite being stressed and anxious, for not having a "real" eating disorder. I love food, eating is the one thing that brings me comfort, and I am so disgusted at myself because I am eating normally (neither binging nor strictly restricting nor avoiding carbs) despite the restrictions on grocery shopping and dining out. Why don't I have the discipline? What is wrong with me that I can't do what so many can?
Aw jeez, and I'm the opposite!
Despite knowing that lack of food is making me sick and unhappy, I feel so stupid and broken when eating feels like an awful chore, and I look around and see other people enjoying and finding comfort in it.
Like, humans need to eat to survive! Why do I have such a problem with it? What is wrong with me that I can't find a way to at least manage it, if I can't be like those who are able to enjoy it?
Anyway, I'm sorry that society is much kinder about my problem than yours. It sucks, and during these stressful times, you shouldn't have to feel disgusted at yourself for finding comfort where you can! Maybe give yourself a little credit for not letting this mess up your normal eating routine - I'm sure society tells you otherwise, but that sounds like discipline to me!
Eating?? In this economy????????
I promise I do know this was a joke, but if it felt too true for anyone reading: I will absolutely, no questions asked, send you some money. It can be food money, earmarked specifically for food, that you don't feel bad about spending on food. (@phoebecook on Venmo)
Once you have the food, the eating part is a clearly a little rough for many of us! But that's what we have this thread for.
This is the kindest and most generous comment to my most flippant and silly joke. I really really hope someone in need sees your comment and reaches out. Sending so much love and gratitude to you for your gracious example <3
I typically walk four miles a day, and it's helped me get my body to a place over the past year that I liked it while not restricting my eating (I have a history of anorexia I have to be aware of), which has been rare for me since ... ever. Then this happened, and coincidentally a few weeks before I had stopped taking my antidepressants (for egg donation!) which also were suppressing my appetite a bit, and the results are just. Ugh. I gave my too-big-for-me pants all to neighbours already, so I'm living in leggings and trying so hard not to think about it. Knowing that people in my community are dealing with food insecurity right now just makes me feel worse -- I've been donating what I can, but here I am, absorbed with this objectively petty problem that isn't really a problem at all outside my own head. :T Solidarity to everyone in a similar position, it'd be nice if anxiety fixated on the rational.
I have autism and I’ve struggled with breakfast my entire life. I have awful hunger pains in the morning but the idea of eating is mostly repulsive. The only thing I can stand to eat in the morning is yogurt and all the grocery stores in my area are sold out... sigh.
Whew! Lots of panicking about eating in excess compounded by pregnancy. I was so sick in my first trimester that I lost weight (and a teeny bit proud of it, even though I was miserable - ahh c'est la addiction) and now that I'm heavier than my pre-pregnancy weight it also feels like one more thing I don't have control over. I'm still having cake today because it's my birthday goddammit, but very grateful I don't have a scale at home to obsess over right now.
it's hard to remember to eat when my body is stressed. I've definitely been getting the migranes/exhaustion element
Reading this has been a relief. I see so many ppl talking about eating all their snacks, etc and I’m struggling daily to maintain caloric intake. It’s made harder since my housemate has to use our small dining/kitchen area to work and I have mostly meals that must be made from scratch, so I feel intrusive. Then my guilt over having the luxury of food in general adds to it making me want to avoid food more. Sigh. Thank you all for sharing your struggle. It’s frustrating but reassuring.
I spent 2 hours making GF funnel cake but I can't bring myself to eat it. It was an attempt to have a "project" for the day. I took a few bites and spit it out immediately. This is happening at most meals. I can't bring myself to swallow food unless I am very very hungry. This results in about one full meal every other day and snacks when I can stomach them.
At first, I was very worried about running out of food so I started restricting and now that I'm weeks into Bunker Life and have made several grocery orders I am not so concerned about running out of food, but I am still not eating a whole lot. It doesn't help that my anxiety often manifests by feeling like my stomach is full of rocks.
I also have always depended on the cooking of strangers. I hate cooking. So in the absence of getting a lot of already-prepared food from restaurants and such, I am Not Cooking ergo eating A yogurt and a cup that's half granola and half plain oats (?) even though I have over 10 Omaha Steakburgers in my freezer (a Christmas present or something from my partner's aunt.) My partner says he'll cook for me but so far he hasn't which is almost a relief
This sounds so hard. If you can go a little easy on yourself about *what* you're eating, try to. Yogurt is food and so is granola/oats. It's not enough, obviously, but it's what you can manage for now. I don't know what your food access is like--things are getting quite bad in my city--but, back in the day when I was really ill and had zero energy to cook/wash up, I ate a lot of Amy's frozen entrees. You stab them, you microwave or oven them, and they always turn out pretty decent. Give yourself as many cheats as you need; it's all food. We're not getting graded on it. (Thank god.)
As an OCDer: You can't help him and I promise he doesn't expect you to. You can tell him you love him and try to help him not be alone in his head by distracting him. And occasionally let him talk out worst case scenarios if you can stand it. But that's it. I know it hurts to watch.
I think he knows I am restricting but doesn't have the bandwidth to help because he is doing so badly with his OCD and agoraphobia. Likewise, I know about those but I don't even know how to really help him right now
I was actually trying to work on some disordered eating behaviours before all this started, focusing on eating with other people. I've always had social anxiety stuff which often manifests as nausea and then fixating on the fear of throwing up halfway through a meal - but only when I'm around other people (I think there's a 'must finish my plate so I don't seem rude or weird' aspect to it). So I was trying to work on chilling out about that, then we went into lockdown, and I live on my own so I'm not going to be eating meals with anyone for a while... It's fine for now, one less problem to deal with tbh, but I don't know whether that's just going to make it worse once everything does go back to normal and someone invites me round for dinner.
I think I've had a fraught relationship with food for most of my life, but didn't really recognize it in myself until last summer, when I realized I'd been doing the below-mentioned Devil Wears Prada diet for several weeks. No therapist, no money for one, no other appropriate and healthy person to talk to about it. For reasons I still don't really understand, partly but not exclusively work stress, hunger felt better to me than having eaten, as long as I wasn't so hungry my head hurt too much to move. The situation deteriorated quickly until I felt in imminent danger of lasting physical harm and impulse-quit the job (despite having no savings), and then it deteriorated more slowly for another month or two. Since then I've been dragging my unfocused self through yet another job search, making an occasional $100 with freelance work and benefiting from a lot of help my parents can't really afford to be giving me, so I'm always running from the side effects of challenging myself to need as little from them as possible. I like my increased resourcefulness w/r/t ingredients and am pleasantly surprised by my slightly increased speed in getting through a job application, but the Thoughts that are accompanying this extra introspection are ... not helping.
Thank you so much for this. I've been waffling between heavy restricting and binging and it's so hard to regulate (I live by myself).