Oh, Steve pretends to be a football coach and calls me "25" while delivering positive or negative feedback on my actions. "Not impressed, 25" or "25, I think you're starting to get it." I find it...oddly motivating. I love praise.
In the Before Times, when we would go out in the world, I’d ask my husband “Do I look inspirational enough?” because of the many, many people who have told me or him that I was inspiring (because I was existing in public in my wheelchair (?!?!) (people say strange things to and about disabled persons.)
If I put on makeup, or clothes that he likes, or anything minor, he’ll say that I’m inspiring.
Truly only now do I innately get the bold lip. Or why my grandmothers would have am alone time to “put their faces on.” Now I’m doing it but results are...like did she MEAN to make herself look somehow MORE sick? Or like wow that 2hr YouTube tutorial on how to apply 3 basic cosmetics DID NOT WORK FOR HER!
I am currently supervising 6 grad students. As much as I can tell over Zoom, 1 seems to be fine. 1 hated my guts before this and I can't get anything from him beyond that he still hates me. 1 is psychologically overwhelmed but is trying so hard. 1 has now had to take over the care of her (very young) younger siblings, and I know her family was struggling for money before this; despite this, she is also trying so hard. 2 have completely stopped responding to emails.
I tell them all that I'm proud of them, that they have NO PRESSURE from me and that I will fight anyone at the university of their behalf, that I am here for whatever they need for their research but that their and their families' physical and mental health comes first, but...I am powerless. I can't do anything to meaningfullly slow the pandemic or improve the economy (other than staying the eff home and donating all that that I can). My efforts to change university policy are fruitless. I can't even convince the grants funding these students to give them more money or more time on their contracts.
as a grad student in this position who is reconsidering all her plans both short and long term: thank you thank you thank you. (I have written a complete dissertation that I am supposed to hand to the committee on Sunday, and have applications outstanding for What Is Next, and yesterday's breaking news that a lot of universities are suspending hiring is... a lot. I am seriously considering pressing pause on the degree and going back for a seventh year and teaching as a TA, even though the university imposes considerable financial penalties on seventh years and pays us less, because it's SOME guarantee of income.)
Not defending a completed dissertation sounds like such a gut-wrenching thing to even have to consider. The market is going to be even more of a nightmare than usual, you have all my good thoughts.
My favorite motto: You are doing the best you can given the circumstances, available resources, and information you know at this time. The best you can is the most you can do.
I am a just-defended grad student and I can honestly say that if I'd heard my advisor say that while I was working on my dissertation and also the world seemed to be falling apart, it would have meant the world to me.
My family has an insufferable in-joke, that managed to survive past my parents' divorce (for about 25 years now):
during regular family car trips to 5-states-away, we played 20 Questions, as you do. but my dad's a music librarian/classical musician, and my mom is also an equal nerd to that period of music, so sometimes there would be items specifically between the two of them (and not 9-12yo me or then tiny brother).
during one game, my mother got incredibly close to the composer that Dad was playing, had it on the tip of her tongue, but could not get it for the life of her. Dad was then incredibly smug for about hour an hour, until, until she yelled during a moment of silence miles down the road: "CLAUDIO MONTEVERDI!!!!"
...so, for the last two decades, Mom, brother and me have referred to those phrases and words *just* inaccessible to the brain-mouth connection as "down there with Claudio Monteverdi".
I once mixed up Armistead Maupin and Montpaussant and from then on my best friend and I refer to 'Montpaussant Syndrome' whereby you assign the plot from one author to another, similarly sounding author. Like a Mondegreen but literature.
I have horrible problems keeping Raymond Chandler and Raymond Carver straight.
But I also wish that Raymond Chandler had written:
And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.*
It calls to mind an old Phillip Marlowe, investigating his peach trees for signs of tent caterpillars, somewhere in the vicinity of Pasadena, having discovered at the last friendships that never involve blows to the head.
My girls and I play a geography game constantly, naming states and capitals, and one day I yelled out "MAINE" randomly hours after the game had ended and that's now our group chat name
Our game has evolved to the point where we now time ourselves, and each has their own method of remembering. My daughter tries to do them alphabetically but I go by region. Odd fact: The states we forget the most often are Massachussetts and Illinois.
When my middle sister was dating her hs sweetheart (eventual husband) she once said, dreamily, "Gabe can do annnnnnnnything." They're married now with 5 kids but my ENTIRE family says it as often as possible.
It drives her to fury but it makes everyone else laugh.
This is a long complaint, every cell in my body is exhausted and demoralized. I’m so sorry.
I’m a single mom to a four-year-old who never stops talking and never stops touching me and never, never lets me walk a step on my own. I haven’t thought a private thought in 12 days, since we’ve been in quarantine. I love him so much, but he climbs into my bed multiple times a night, opens the bathroom door to talk or play ‘I spy’, and pinches me or throws a tantrum if I try to talk to anyone else(on Zoom/facetime, I’m not a monster). My skin is starting to crawl from being touched and I want to weep all the time. It’s just us two.
Also I’m freaked out about my career. I am 75% done with a student teaching program, and if I could have lasted in class two more days before going into quarantine, I would have completed the videos I needed to submit to my state for my credential. As it is, the commissioning body is just saying we have a year after we’ve paid, which I have to submit our tests, but they won’t adjust any requirements to account for needing to teach online. I’m 37 years old and it took an elderly relative dying for me to be able to afford finally leaving awful, abusive administrative assistant positions so that I could take a year off working to finally become a 7th grade history teacher, and it’s looking like that work is all down the drain, as my master’s program is telling us we will now need to do at least another full semester of student teaching (for free, and after completing nearly a full school year of unpaid student teaching) to complete our program. Truthfully I don’t know if I can last that long without an income, and I’m terrified of having to go back to being an admin, a job where I was having daily migraines and would occasionally get stress back-aches so bad that I could only walk with canes and in fact had a three year stretch where I was in pain every moment of the day and night.
In the meantime, I am the only person who can watch my son and he needs so much constant attention but I can’t even turn my computer on to zoom my academic advisor or mentor teacher without Him having a full meltdown on Camera for the duration of the call, let alone trying to write my masters thesis or any one of the seemingly innumerable assignments my department has seen fit to put on our plate to account for classes no longer being in person. And we are expected to zoom in for eight hour classes on Saturdays with continuous attention and participation, and I have no idea how I’m going to do that and not be murdered by my son who will definitely not stand for me focusing my attention elsewhere for a continuous 8 hours. But class participation is mandatory and will result in a 10% drop in my grade if I don’t show (you must maintain a B average or the program will drop all funding)
At this point I just don’t know what to do, and I miss my kids (students), and I miss being able to shut the door and be by myself for even a moment, and I feel like I must be failing my son if he is so fragile that he needs continuous reassurance that I am still paying total attention to him. So I cook and I play, and i feel like a rage-ful failure, and that’s it.
That all sounds incredibly stressful and frustrating, and I don't know whether affirmations from strangers online help at all but you're holding it together remarkably well in the face of extremely hard circumstances.
You are amazing. Do the bare minimum. Is he still alive? Are you? Can you army crawl for any good like substance. 100% Get a person you can call or text or keep coming on here. Get that phrase on a loop. It’ll need rebooting once or several times a day if you are like me. You are crushing this once in a lifetime stuff.
You are doing SO WELL. So well. I am thinking of you. You are not failing your son. You sound like an awesome mom, and even if you don't feel like an awesome mom, single-parenting a 4-year-old is really darn hard on the best of days and these are light-years away from the best of days.
Putting this here bc I was reminded that, even before this COVID 19 business, I had personal medical hard stuff and I twice (med situation stress all induced) said fuck you basically or you fucking listen yelling to my 9yo. We are all a mess and doing the best we can in all areas of life.
I will extend a smidgen of grace/benefit of doubt. I assume this is happening because of a holdover of an all-day class to debrief the student teaching experience. Which, let's be clear, is onerous in the best of times. I, at least, need some time to recover from teaching (especially in the early days) and time to catch up on assignments and get ahead on grading. I hope that your class was at least focusing that chunk of time on activities that are directly applicable to your classroom.
***But we are in a crisis and things are working differently now.*** (If this were an email just to you, Caro, this would be in all caps. However, I'm trying to respect the quiet, calming tone in Nicky's message board and not disturb other scrollers with my screaming.)
First, obviously people have other responsibilities during the crisis that are not going to make them able to dedicate a continuous *eight* hours to zoom. You not having childcare makes complete sense--obviously normal care patterns are disrupted. I mean, even Justin Trudeau is getting to single parent while Sophie isolates. He at least has people dropping off legos ***and meals*** at the door ( https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/23/world/canada/justin-trudeau-coronavirus.html). But he still has to interrupt his calls *about leading a nation through this crisis* to tell kids that he can't focus on them. And ends up being late because bathtime routine went long. (And his youngest is older than yours.) Your program should be *anticipating* this. They should be volunteering that the situation is different now and they understand that people's ability to participate during this time may take a backseat to other obligations. Is there anyone else in your cohort who is caring for children right now? Or caring for older family? Or immunocompromised partners? Can y'all challenge this together?
Second, this is the time when courses should be switched pass/fail (and if you were passing when classes made the switch to online you should pass). It is not the time for additional assignments. What sort of nonsense is that? It is the time for thinking through the essential take-aways from the course and ensuring that they are thoroughly discussed. (There may be courses for which this is not possible. I assume that is some STEM course that I have forgotten or did not take. Education courses, this is definitely possible. You might not get the same depth as during a usual term, but you're learning different skills right now anyway.)
Third, maintaining a B-average for funding makes sense under normal circumstances. The pass from this semester should not affect GPA. Just wave your hands, say, "oh yeah, that was the covid term" and...don't include it in your average. I wish I could wave my wand and make this law.
Fourth, yes, participation is great and all. But again with the crisis. Obviously participation looks different now than it did in the before. Staring at a computer screen for *eight hours* is not going to feel like meaningful engagement. (Believe me, I've been doomscrolling enough.) Your professor should recognize this. You care about your students and worry about what they're going through right now. Your professors should be extending the same to you.
If you can get the kiddo contained long enough to post on the class discussion board, saying essentially: Given covid-19, I do not have childcare for my four-year old. I have tried to participate in zoom calls throughout this week, but know that anything longer than 30 minutes is not going to be feasible. (I am trying to guess a time here. Fill in what works for you.) I want to make sure that I am participating in class, but am unable to do a full-day session. What alternatives are available for class participation? (If you want to offer up a suggestion of discussion board participation, short calls with classmates, non-synchronized videos (I have heard of the app Marco Polo?), etc. you can. But I have to hope that explicitly naming the problem, publicly so that other's can chime in "me too", will be enough to have your professor say "Yeah. Don't worry about that. I've seen you participate earlier in the semester. Take care of yourself and your kid."
Again, you are doing amazing at holding together in a system showing it's cracks. Really this should all be repaired with gold, kintsugi style.
My god, that is a lot. As the mom of an extremely attached 3 year old ( who at least can be placated with a cartoon) and a 7 month old who naps and trying to work from home. I see you. It is so hard. You are doing so great being the best mom and teacher and student under such trying, extreme circumstances.
Oof. I don't have an answer for you, but I just wanted to echo everyone else that you are doing an AMAZING job. I hope that your department is able to rethink how they're addressing class work, and that your 4-yo decides one day to take an extended nap, during which you shower alone and read a trashy novel for 45 minutes.
You are amazing! This too shall pass and you will succeed. You need a tablet and headphones for your son! If you don’t have one, I’d be happy to chip in to help you get one. (We use kindle fires because they are very locked down and connect to our prime account.).
That is so stressful, its so crazy (but not surprising) that your program is not being flexible, you have my deep admiration for being able to cook and play while feeling like a rage-ful failure.
I met my husband at a party a month before college graduation. It was a party full of grad students who seemed “so old.” I was there with a friend who was dating one of the grad students (he worked for a cable company on the side and therefore would forever be know as Rob, The Cable Guy). My husband (also a college senior, but an old soul and friends with the grad students as they were all part of the university ski club) appeared across the room. I do somewhat believe in soul mates because my friends didn’t bat an eye, but I thought this express thought the minute I saw him 25 feet away: “That is the most attractive man I’ve ever seen. Wait, he probably knows it. Quick, look away and seem uninterested!” Turns out he thought similar things about me because mere seconds after I looked away I heard a voice right beside me say “Hello. So do you know who Sacajawea was?” It was him. Without missing a beat I said “She led Lewis and Clark through west with a baby on her back.” We both laughed and this, my husband swears, is when he knew I was the one. Nearly 17 years and three kids later we still laugh every time someone mentions Sacajawea. (I still cannot get a straight answer out of him as to why this was his opening line. He doesn’t really know either. But it worked!)
Not to downplay the fact that you and your fiancé are clearly made for each other, I would have a hard time not falling for someone who has this kind of observational wit!
My father is a notorious cheapskate and a snob. He once made me tour the University of Washington’s campus while I was actually in college (at WWU) with the hopes I’d transfer and have a “better degree.” We entered the museum gallery on campus which was showing Homer Winslow(?) paintings. My dad couldn’t use his school ID and he freaked out that the admission fee was $8.
My favorite in-joke is that when a train pulls up just as we arrive to the platform or a light changes just as we get to a street corner, I say, "You know what I always say!" and my children, resentful but well-trained, reply, "You gotta call ahead for these things."
One of my favorite family in jokes is that, on a family trip in 1980 with my *mother’s side* of the family, my *father* told my aunt she “hadn’t been part of this family long enough to make any decisions.” (The delicious irony!)
So
a) clearly she has refused to make any decisions since then and
b) whenever we don’t agree with someone else’s opinion we tell them they haven’t been part of the family long enough to make any decisions.
It’s not much of a time to hold celebrations, but I just found out that I got the promotion at work that I’ve been hoping for. Can I tell you about it, please?
In my soon-to-be-former role, I write jargon-laden procedures for software development. I got the job to get my foot in the door with my state’s government, and because it meant better pay. Plus, I always wanted the chance to work as a data analyst, and it seemed like a step in the right direction.
Well, 6 months later, I’ve been promoted to the data analysis team! Looking back, it’s possible I could’ve been hired directly into a position like this one instead of starting in a less technical role. But I was fresh out of college back when I applied for the procedure-writing job, and I lacked confidence, and I sweat straight through my dress in the interview. I didn’t feel ready then, y’know?
In contrast, when I was interviewing for the promotion (on Friday the 13th, no less), I felt totally capable and confident. I brought a portfolio of my work. I prepared knock-out answers to all the common interview questions in advance. I felt like a dog with a bone— I wanted this job, and I’d already sunk my teeth in by making it to the interview stage. It was to be mine.
Last night, my partner and I popped a bottle of champagne and played Minecraft to celebrate. As one does in these strange times.
(I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to telecommute, so life has been a game of cycling between the “fun screen” and the “work screen”. I expect the prescription on my glasses will have shifted from +2.00 to +5.00 by the end of quarantine.)
I’m thinking about rewatching old PBS kids shows from my early childhood, as tonight’s after-work “fun screen”. Do you have any favorite PBS kids shows? They’re all great.
Yay! Congratulations! Sounds like you knocked it out of the park. I have an 18 month old, whose screen time restrictions have radically lifted in this time of "working from home" with a toddler (haaahahahaha "working"!), and we have really been enjoying Mr. Rodgers. His soothing powers work equally well on toddlers and 30-somethings.
Congratulations! Hurrah for promotion!! Go, Annie, Go!
After seeing the Tom Hanks movie, we came home and I wanted to watch the opening song of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. We ended up watching the full episode, mesmerized. And have done again in the months (years?) since then.
If you can find Ghostwriter, I was impressed with how well it held up. I have a Wishbone DVD that my sister gave me as a gag/serious gift a few years back that I haven't actually played.
My dad's father died before we were born so we've grown up on "Melvin Stories" which all seem too outlandish to be true, but we have corroborated most of them. Including the time he chained himself to the porch with the dog's leash and barked at school children as they walked by. He forgot about the chain and tried to run after them on all fours and got yanked backward.
Other inside jokes include the time my mom said "nurber" instead of "murder" after a glass of wine and the time I, as a college student, very confidently said to my high school-aged sister "psh, what are you talking about rocks don't even HAVE atoms." (I got atoms and cells confused.)
Another classic: For background, my Grandpa and his younger brother were nearly identical (my sister and I are too, those genes are hella strong). If you didn't know them very well or had only met one of them, you would get them confused very easily. So, one night when grandma and grandpa were hosting their "party of the month" club, Melvin knew his brother and his wife were out and had hired a baby sitter. So he went over after the kids were asleep and told the baby sitter she could go home. The baby sitter hadn't ever met Grandpa, so she thought it was his brother. He paid her and everything so she left. Then my grandparents and their party club proceeded to STEAL ALL OF THE FURNITURE and swap it out with furniture from my grandparents' house. Legends. Absolute legends, the both of them. (My grandma will have been gone a year this Friday so thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting me share them with you.)
thank YOU for sharing! I read aloud the dog one to my girlfriend and had to stop when we got to running after schoolchildren because I was laughing too hard.
The comment itself has since disappeared from the internet, but several years ago, I was reading the comments on an enchilada recipe, and one of the comments was something to the effect of "I've never cooked with a lime before, but my family loved it! It made the dish taste so authentic!". Now every single time we use a lime for anything (which is often, because limes are great), either my boyfriend or I will talk about how AUTHENTIC it tastes.
That reminds me of something - years ago a friend gave me a 5-ingredient cookbook; I appreciated the thought but I regularly use more than 5 ingredients when I cook. Anyway I was looking through it and there was a recipe for tequila-lime chicken that said to use tequila (or milk) -- and I was like wtffff ... so that's been a long-running joke that if we need milk for something we can just use tequila or vice versa.
In college, my parents called for help using their VCR. Of course no video calls, so I'm trying to describe what to do and yell, "Its the INTERNATIONAL SIGN FOR PAUSE HOW DO YOU NOT RECOGNIZE IT???" So now when they call for technology help they always work "the international sign for pause" into the conversation. ||
I don't have any in-jokes because my fellow inmates have no sense of humor (dog, two cats). HOWEVER I HAVE A GOOD THING: my host brother from Kyrgyzstan, who was 7 when I left and who was my absolute best bud/partner in crime, messaged me on IG yesterday morning IN ENGLISH. He always swore he would never learn English just to spite me, and now here he is. MY HEART. I want to go back and see them again so badly.
Oh, Steve pretends to be a football coach and calls me "25" while delivering positive or negative feedback on my actions. "Not impressed, 25" or "25, I think you're starting to get it." I find it...oddly motivating. I love praise.
We call explaining a recipe aloud to person cooking QBing. Like 1/2 cup of flour...but husband had to explain to me WHY that made sense.
My little brother was in a mood with my mum once and said “Mother, if that is in fact your real name...”
Its a treasured family in joke now
LOL! I get my daughter's names mixed up constantly so now it's "... or whatever your name is"
In the Before Times, when we would go out in the world, I’d ask my husband “Do I look inspirational enough?” because of the many, many people who have told me or him that I was inspiring (because I was existing in public in my wheelchair (?!?!) (people say strange things to and about disabled persons.)
If I put on makeup, or clothes that he likes, or anything minor, he’ll say that I’m inspiring.
Truly only now do I innately get the bold lip. Or why my grandmothers would have am alone time to “put their faces on.” Now I’m doing it but results are...like did she MEAN to make herself look somehow MORE sick? Or like wow that 2hr YouTube tutorial on how to apply 3 basic cosmetics DID NOT WORK FOR HER!
I am currently supervising 6 grad students. As much as I can tell over Zoom, 1 seems to be fine. 1 hated my guts before this and I can't get anything from him beyond that he still hates me. 1 is psychologically overwhelmed but is trying so hard. 1 has now had to take over the care of her (very young) younger siblings, and I know her family was struggling for money before this; despite this, she is also trying so hard. 2 have completely stopped responding to emails.
I tell them all that I'm proud of them, that they have NO PRESSURE from me and that I will fight anyone at the university of their behalf, that I am here for whatever they need for their research but that their and their families' physical and mental health comes first, but...I am powerless. I can't do anything to meaningfullly slow the pandemic or improve the economy (other than staying the eff home and donating all that that I can). My efforts to change university policy are fruitless. I can't even convince the grants funding these students to give them more money or more time on their contracts.
It's hard for any of us to know what to do.
as a grad student in this position who is reconsidering all her plans both short and long term: thank you thank you thank you. (I have written a complete dissertation that I am supposed to hand to the committee on Sunday, and have applications outstanding for What Is Next, and yesterday's breaking news that a lot of universities are suspending hiring is... a lot. I am seriously considering pressing pause on the degree and going back for a seventh year and teaching as a TA, even though the university imposes considerable financial penalties on seventh years and pays us less, because it's SOME guarantee of income.)
That is such a scary position to be in, and I'm sorry. I know so many people in similar boats, and it's just so awful.
(CONGRATULATIONS though on having a complete dissertation, that is AMAZING!!!!!!!! This complete stranger is really proud of you!)
Not defending a completed dissertation sounds like such a gut-wrenching thing to even have to consider. The market is going to be even more of a nightmare than usual, you have all my good thoughts.
Just wishing you good fortune and clarity. You've done all the normal hard parts, and you'll figure out these new ones, too.
You are doing the best that you can and for those students who you speak to regularly, you are a meaningful presence in their life. <3
Thank you. <3
It sounds like you're doing *amazing* and your students are lucky to have you.
Thank you for saying that, really.
My favorite motto: You are doing the best you can given the circumstances, available resources, and information you know at this time. The best you can is the most you can do.
Thanks! That is a really good motto.
You are doing so good.
Thanks! This honestly means a lot.
I am a just-defended grad student and I can honestly say that if I'd heard my advisor say that while I was working on my dissertation and also the world seemed to be falling apart, it would have meant the world to me.
My family has an insufferable in-joke, that managed to survive past my parents' divorce (for about 25 years now):
during regular family car trips to 5-states-away, we played 20 Questions, as you do. but my dad's a music librarian/classical musician, and my mom is also an equal nerd to that period of music, so sometimes there would be items specifically between the two of them (and not 9-12yo me or then tiny brother).
during one game, my mother got incredibly close to the composer that Dad was playing, had it on the tip of her tongue, but could not get it for the life of her. Dad was then incredibly smug for about hour an hour, until, until she yelled during a moment of silence miles down the road: "CLAUDIO MONTEVERDI!!!!"
...so, for the last two decades, Mom, brother and me have referred to those phrases and words *just* inaccessible to the brain-mouth connection as "down there with Claudio Monteverdi".
For my mom and I it’s ROSEMARY CLOONEY!
I once mixed up Armistead Maupin and Montpaussant and from then on my best friend and I refer to 'Montpaussant Syndrome' whereby you assign the plot from one author to another, similarly sounding author. Like a Mondegreen but literature.
I have horrible problems keeping Raymond Chandler and Raymond Carver straight.
But I also wish that Raymond Chandler had written:
And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.*
It calls to mind an old Phillip Marlowe, investigating his peach trees for signs of tent caterpillars, somewhere in the vicinity of Pasadena, having discovered at the last friendships that never involve blows to the head.
*this is "Late Fragment" by Raymond Carver.
oh my god oh my god they're not the same person at all
My girls and I play a geography game constantly, naming states and capitals, and one day I yelled out "MAINE" randomly hours after the game had ended and that's now our group chat name
My oldest son says, "Which states have no 'e'". I have no idea. Where do I live? California. Now we keep listing them.
Our game has evolved to the point where we now time ourselves, and each has their own method of remembering. My daughter tries to do them alphabetically but I go by region. Odd fact: The states we forget the most often are Massachussetts and Illinois.
Utah
When my middle sister was dating her hs sweetheart (eventual husband) she once said, dreamily, "Gabe can do annnnnnnnything." They're married now with 5 kids but my ENTIRE family says it as often as possible.
It drives her to fury but it makes everyone else laugh.
This is a long complaint, every cell in my body is exhausted and demoralized. I’m so sorry.
I’m a single mom to a four-year-old who never stops talking and never stops touching me and never, never lets me walk a step on my own. I haven’t thought a private thought in 12 days, since we’ve been in quarantine. I love him so much, but he climbs into my bed multiple times a night, opens the bathroom door to talk or play ‘I spy’, and pinches me or throws a tantrum if I try to talk to anyone else(on Zoom/facetime, I’m not a monster). My skin is starting to crawl from being touched and I want to weep all the time. It’s just us two.
Also I’m freaked out about my career. I am 75% done with a student teaching program, and if I could have lasted in class two more days before going into quarantine, I would have completed the videos I needed to submit to my state for my credential. As it is, the commissioning body is just saying we have a year after we’ve paid, which I have to submit our tests, but they won’t adjust any requirements to account for needing to teach online. I’m 37 years old and it took an elderly relative dying for me to be able to afford finally leaving awful, abusive administrative assistant positions so that I could take a year off working to finally become a 7th grade history teacher, and it’s looking like that work is all down the drain, as my master’s program is telling us we will now need to do at least another full semester of student teaching (for free, and after completing nearly a full school year of unpaid student teaching) to complete our program. Truthfully I don’t know if I can last that long without an income, and I’m terrified of having to go back to being an admin, a job where I was having daily migraines and would occasionally get stress back-aches so bad that I could only walk with canes and in fact had a three year stretch where I was in pain every moment of the day and night.
In the meantime, I am the only person who can watch my son and he needs so much constant attention but I can’t even turn my computer on to zoom my academic advisor or mentor teacher without Him having a full meltdown on Camera for the duration of the call, let alone trying to write my masters thesis or any one of the seemingly innumerable assignments my department has seen fit to put on our plate to account for classes no longer being in person. And we are expected to zoom in for eight hour classes on Saturdays with continuous attention and participation, and I have no idea how I’m going to do that and not be murdered by my son who will definitely not stand for me focusing my attention elsewhere for a continuous 8 hours. But class participation is mandatory and will result in a 10% drop in my grade if I don’t show (you must maintain a B average or the program will drop all funding)
At this point I just don’t know what to do, and I miss my kids (students), and I miss being able to shut the door and be by myself for even a moment, and I feel like I must be failing my son if he is so fragile that he needs continuous reassurance that I am still paying total attention to him. So I cook and I play, and i feel like a rage-ful failure, and that’s it.
You are phenomenal
That all sounds incredibly stressful and frustrating, and I don't know whether affirmations from strangers online help at all but you're holding it together remarkably well in the face of extremely hard circumstances.
Thank you, it does help
You are amazing. Do the bare minimum. Is he still alive? Are you? Can you army crawl for any good like substance. 100% Get a person you can call or text or keep coming on here. Get that phrase on a loop. It’ll need rebooting once or several times a day if you are like me. You are crushing this once in a lifetime stuff.
Clicking the heart not to say I "like" this but that my heart is with yours.
❤️❤️❤️
You are doing SO WELL. So well. I am thinking of you. You are not failing your son. You sound like an awesome mom, and even if you don't feel like an awesome mom, single-parenting a 4-year-old is really darn hard on the best of days and these are light-years away from the best of days.
Putting this here bc I was reminded that, even before this COVID 19 business, I had personal medical hard stuff and I twice (med situation stress all induced) said fuck you basically or you fucking listen yelling to my 9yo. We are all a mess and doing the best we can in all areas of life.
You are doing so much to hold things together in the midst of broken systems.
I am directing specific rage at the expectation that you participate in zoom-er-days. If it helps, I can write this out to share with you.
Yes, please! And thank you!
I will extend a smidgen of grace/benefit of doubt. I assume this is happening because of a holdover of an all-day class to debrief the student teaching experience. Which, let's be clear, is onerous in the best of times. I, at least, need some time to recover from teaching (especially in the early days) and time to catch up on assignments and get ahead on grading. I hope that your class was at least focusing that chunk of time on activities that are directly applicable to your classroom.
***But we are in a crisis and things are working differently now.*** (If this were an email just to you, Caro, this would be in all caps. However, I'm trying to respect the quiet, calming tone in Nicky's message board and not disturb other scrollers with my screaming.)
First, obviously people have other responsibilities during the crisis that are not going to make them able to dedicate a continuous *eight* hours to zoom. You not having childcare makes complete sense--obviously normal care patterns are disrupted. I mean, even Justin Trudeau is getting to single parent while Sophie isolates. He at least has people dropping off legos ***and meals*** at the door ( https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/23/world/canada/justin-trudeau-coronavirus.html). But he still has to interrupt his calls *about leading a nation through this crisis* to tell kids that he can't focus on them. And ends up being late because bathtime routine went long. (And his youngest is older than yours.) Your program should be *anticipating* this. They should be volunteering that the situation is different now and they understand that people's ability to participate during this time may take a backseat to other obligations. Is there anyone else in your cohort who is caring for children right now? Or caring for older family? Or immunocompromised partners? Can y'all challenge this together?
Second, this is the time when courses should be switched pass/fail (and if you were passing when classes made the switch to online you should pass). It is not the time for additional assignments. What sort of nonsense is that? It is the time for thinking through the essential take-aways from the course and ensuring that they are thoroughly discussed. (There may be courses for which this is not possible. I assume that is some STEM course that I have forgotten or did not take. Education courses, this is definitely possible. You might not get the same depth as during a usual term, but you're learning different skills right now anyway.)
Third, maintaining a B-average for funding makes sense under normal circumstances. The pass from this semester should not affect GPA. Just wave your hands, say, "oh yeah, that was the covid term" and...don't include it in your average. I wish I could wave my wand and make this law.
Fourth, yes, participation is great and all. But again with the crisis. Obviously participation looks different now than it did in the before. Staring at a computer screen for *eight hours* is not going to feel like meaningful engagement. (Believe me, I've been doomscrolling enough.) Your professor should recognize this. You care about your students and worry about what they're going through right now. Your professors should be extending the same to you.
If you can get the kiddo contained long enough to post on the class discussion board, saying essentially: Given covid-19, I do not have childcare for my four-year old. I have tried to participate in zoom calls throughout this week, but know that anything longer than 30 minutes is not going to be feasible. (I am trying to guess a time here. Fill in what works for you.) I want to make sure that I am participating in class, but am unable to do a full-day session. What alternatives are available for class participation? (If you want to offer up a suggestion of discussion board participation, short calls with classmates, non-synchronized videos (I have heard of the app Marco Polo?), etc. you can. But I have to hope that explicitly naming the problem, publicly so that other's can chime in "me too", will be enough to have your professor say "Yeah. Don't worry about that. I've seen you participate earlier in the semester. Take care of yourself and your kid."
Again, you are doing amazing at holding together in a system showing it's cracks. Really this should all be repaired with gold, kintsugi style.
My god, that is a lot. As the mom of an extremely attached 3 year old ( who at least can be placated with a cartoon) and a 7 month old who naps and trying to work from home. I see you. It is so hard. You are doing so great being the best mom and teacher and student under such trying, extreme circumstances.
Oof. I don't have an answer for you, but I just wanted to echo everyone else that you are doing an AMAZING job. I hope that your department is able to rethink how they're addressing class work, and that your 4-yo decides one day to take an extended nap, during which you shower alone and read a trashy novel for 45 minutes.
You're doing so well! This is all so incredibly hard.
You are amazing! This too shall pass and you will succeed. You need a tablet and headphones for your son! If you don’t have one, I’d be happy to chip in to help you get one. (We use kindle fires because they are very locked down and connect to our prime account.).
That is so sweet, but not something he will tolerate (or care for, stuff gets thrown too often, and he is a mover!)
you are doing SO WELL. Thinking of you too.
Thank you!
This is So Much. It sounds like you're doing an amazing job. Thinking of you.
So Much, so much. Thank you
That is so stressful, its so crazy (but not surprising) that your program is not being flexible, you have my deep admiration for being able to cook and play while feeling like a rage-ful failure.
I met my husband at a party a month before college graduation. It was a party full of grad students who seemed “so old.” I was there with a friend who was dating one of the grad students (he worked for a cable company on the side and therefore would forever be know as Rob, The Cable Guy). My husband (also a college senior, but an old soul and friends with the grad students as they were all part of the university ski club) appeared across the room. I do somewhat believe in soul mates because my friends didn’t bat an eye, but I thought this express thought the minute I saw him 25 feet away: “That is the most attractive man I’ve ever seen. Wait, he probably knows it. Quick, look away and seem uninterested!” Turns out he thought similar things about me because mere seconds after I looked away I heard a voice right beside me say “Hello. So do you know who Sacajawea was?” It was him. Without missing a beat I said “She led Lewis and Clark through west with a baby on her back.” We both laughed and this, my husband swears, is when he knew I was the one. Nearly 17 years and three kids later we still laugh every time someone mentions Sacajawea. (I still cannot get a straight answer out of him as to why this was his opening line. He doesn’t really know either. But it worked!)
My fiancé swears he knew I was the one when I angrily yelled at a boneless wings ad “THEY'RE JUST SAUCY NUGGETS”
Not to downplay the fact that you and your fiancé are clearly made for each other, I would have a hard time not falling for someone who has this kind of observational wit!
My father is a notorious cheapskate and a snob. He once made me tour the University of Washington’s campus while I was actually in college (at WWU) with the hopes I’d transfer and have a “better degree.” We entered the museum gallery on campus which was showing Homer Winslow(?) paintings. My dad couldn’t use his school ID and he freaked out that the admission fee was $8.
“EIGHT DOLLARS? EIiiigghhht DOLLars? Eight. Dollars?”
Needless to say, we did not see any Homer Winslows that day.
So now when he’s being cheap (always) I just yell “EIGHT! DOLLARS!”
My favorite in-joke is that when a train pulls up just as we arrive to the platform or a light changes just as we get to a street corner, I say, "You know what I always say!" and my children, resentful but well-trained, reply, "You gotta call ahead for these things."
One of my favorite family in jokes is that, on a family trip in 1980 with my *mother’s side* of the family, my *father* told my aunt she “hadn’t been part of this family long enough to make any decisions.” (The delicious irony!)
So
a) clearly she has refused to make any decisions since then and
b) whenever we don’t agree with someone else’s opinion we tell them they haven’t been part of the family long enough to make any decisions.
Oh my god, I am actually cackling out loud. This is hilarious.
Hello friends!
It’s not much of a time to hold celebrations, but I just found out that I got the promotion at work that I’ve been hoping for. Can I tell you about it, please?
In my soon-to-be-former role, I write jargon-laden procedures for software development. I got the job to get my foot in the door with my state’s government, and because it meant better pay. Plus, I always wanted the chance to work as a data analyst, and it seemed like a step in the right direction.
Well, 6 months later, I’ve been promoted to the data analysis team! Looking back, it’s possible I could’ve been hired directly into a position like this one instead of starting in a less technical role. But I was fresh out of college back when I applied for the procedure-writing job, and I lacked confidence, and I sweat straight through my dress in the interview. I didn’t feel ready then, y’know?
In contrast, when I was interviewing for the promotion (on Friday the 13th, no less), I felt totally capable and confident. I brought a portfolio of my work. I prepared knock-out answers to all the common interview questions in advance. I felt like a dog with a bone— I wanted this job, and I’d already sunk my teeth in by making it to the interview stage. It was to be mine.
Last night, my partner and I popped a bottle of champagne and played Minecraft to celebrate. As one does in these strange times.
(I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to telecommute, so life has been a game of cycling between the “fun screen” and the “work screen”. I expect the prescription on my glasses will have shifted from +2.00 to +5.00 by the end of quarantine.)
I’m thinking about rewatching old PBS kids shows from my early childhood, as tonight’s after-work “fun screen”. Do you have any favorite PBS kids shows? They’re all great.
Thank you for listening,
Annie
I am so happy for you!
Yay! Congratulations! Sounds like you knocked it out of the park. I have an 18 month old, whose screen time restrictions have radically lifted in this time of "working from home" with a toddler (haaahahahaha "working"!), and we have really been enjoying Mr. Rodgers. His soothing powers work equally well on toddlers and 30-somethings.
Congrats!!!!!!
Congratulations! Hurrah for promotion!! Go, Annie, Go!
After seeing the Tom Hanks movie, we came home and I wanted to watch the opening song of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. We ended up watching the full episode, mesmerized. And have done again in the months (years?) since then.
If you can find Ghostwriter, I was impressed with how well it held up. I have a Wishbone DVD that my sister gave me as a gag/serious gift a few years back that I haven't actually played.
My dad's father died before we were born so we've grown up on "Melvin Stories" which all seem too outlandish to be true, but we have corroborated most of them. Including the time he chained himself to the porch with the dog's leash and barked at school children as they walked by. He forgot about the chain and tried to run after them on all fours and got yanked backward.
Other inside jokes include the time my mom said "nurber" instead of "murder" after a glass of wine and the time I, as a college student, very confidently said to my high school-aged sister "psh, what are you talking about rocks don't even HAVE atoms." (I got atoms and cells confused.)
oh my god that melvin story i'm dying, pls feel free to share more
That one is my personal favorite!
Another classic: For background, my Grandpa and his younger brother were nearly identical (my sister and I are too, those genes are hella strong). If you didn't know them very well or had only met one of them, you would get them confused very easily. So, one night when grandma and grandpa were hosting their "party of the month" club, Melvin knew his brother and his wife were out and had hired a baby sitter. So he went over after the kids were asleep and told the baby sitter she could go home. The baby sitter hadn't ever met Grandpa, so she thought it was his brother. He paid her and everything so she left. Then my grandparents and their party club proceeded to STEAL ALL OF THE FURNITURE and swap it out with furniture from my grandparents' house. Legends. Absolute legends, the both of them. (My grandma will have been gone a year this Friday so thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting me share them with you.)
thank YOU for sharing! I read aloud the dog one to my girlfriend and had to stop when we got to running after schoolchildren because I was laughing too hard.
The comment itself has since disappeared from the internet, but several years ago, I was reading the comments on an enchilada recipe, and one of the comments was something to the effect of "I've never cooked with a lime before, but my family loved it! It made the dish taste so authentic!". Now every single time we use a lime for anything (which is often, because limes are great), either my boyfriend or I will talk about how AUTHENTIC it tastes.
(https://www.blueapron.com/recipes/summer-squash-enchiladas-with-creamy-lime-tomato-rice this is the enchilada recipe. Use a can of Rotel instead of plain tomato sauce, and add green sauce on top. You'll thank me.)
That reminds me of something - years ago a friend gave me a 5-ingredient cookbook; I appreciated the thought but I regularly use more than 5 ingredients when I cook. Anyway I was looking through it and there was a recipe for tequila-lime chicken that said to use tequila (or milk) -- and I was like wtffff ... so that's been a long-running joke that if we need milk for something we can just use tequila or vice versa.
Tequila=milk should be on the ingredient substitution lists that are making their way around!
In college, my parents called for help using their VCR. Of course no video calls, so I'm trying to describe what to do and yell, "Its the INTERNATIONAL SIGN FOR PAUSE HOW DO YOU NOT RECOGNIZE IT???" So now when they call for technology help they always work "the international sign for pause" into the conversation. ||
I don't have any in-jokes because my fellow inmates have no sense of humor (dog, two cats). HOWEVER I HAVE A GOOD THING: my host brother from Kyrgyzstan, who was 7 when I left and who was my absolute best bud/partner in crime, messaged me on IG yesterday morning IN ENGLISH. He always swore he would never learn English just to spite me, and now here he is. MY HEART. I want to go back and see them again so badly.
This is so heartwarming! And that picture of him is amazing
this is he https://ibb.co/SVrf3cN