I cried for ten minutes yesterday about What If We Lose Stephen Sondheim who has lived a very long and full life because it’s significantly easier to think about mourning Sondheim than What If One Of My Relatives Dies In Canada And I Never See Them Again And Cannot Go To Their Funeral.
In the middle of the night, I realized that I was actually a 5.5 because I am going to lose a year of my extended family’s life. The best case scenario is that I am going to miss out on a year of my mother’s life and my father’s life and my stepmom’s life and my aunts’ and uncles’ life. And there is a worst case scenario where we lose more than that. And then I woke up and my best friend had sent me this and it explained it:
And all the emails from people who need help. I always think of myself as having the ability to be the emergency option for people in my life but I cannot help everyone who needs it and it’s very hard for me to say no and if you need money and I can’t get to it bc of volume and trying to triage my abilities I’m so sorry.
I had a lovely brief FaceTime with my closest heart friends yesterday and we had to keep fighting for a positive note to end on. We got there (a funny thing my baby said) but it took a minute.
Also, my friends are starting to get it. And their families. One lost someone not to the virus but because Spain’s overloaded medical system kept pushing him down the line until it was too late. Which is going to keep happening.
Also I have only seen Floyd Cardoz in person maybe once or twice in my life but my earliest NYC saving-up-for-a-nice-meal meals were always Tabla and it’s a weird gap suddenly in my early twenties which is so different from the bullshit “there’s a GAP/Starbucks in St Mark’s Place! My youth is GONE” thing, because it’s actually a death.
I am a 5.5 because I am 99% sure I have corona virus (22 year old intern came in to work and didn’t tell anyone his roommates were sick, they’ve since tested positive, now he’s sick and I’m sick and probably as a result 100 other people are also sick). But I’m on day six and it isn’t that bad for me, in case hearing this helps anyone who has been fixated on the worst outcomes. I’m 31 and I’ve got chest pressure, a little shortness of breath when moving, headache, fatigue. No fever and a cough that took until day six (my doctor said they are seeing lots of young people with no fever or cough) I can’t get tested because they are saving tests for the immunocompromised and healthcare workers, so just know the numbers of symptomatic people is much much worse than is being reported. The only bright side is no longer having to fear being infected, which has been kind of nice at least????? Anyway please for the love of god stay home if you or anyone around you is sick!!!!!!!
My current biggest point of anxiety currently is that my grandpa and his girlfriend had to drive from Wisconsin to Florida so she could help with arrangements for her brother who passed away last week. His passing was unrelated to current events as far as I know, so that's... idk not good per se but, you know. I am worried that the whole state will go into full lockdown before they can leave, not that I think that would necessarily stop my grandpa, and I am worried because they are both in their 80s. I just want to know that they are back on the road home and then back in their homes much sooner rather than later. If anyone has a spare thought in their prayers it would be much appreciated.
I'm maybe a 6 but if I stop to think about the fact that currently you are not allowed to SURF in San Diego it drops to a 4. I am not a surfer but I am passionately attached to this weird Zen religion of ours here in Southern Cal and I suffer empathetically for those who can't practice it for a while. P.S. If you ever watched "Point Break" and scoffed at soul surfers like Bodhi (RIP Patrick), I'm sorry to tell you, it's a one hundred percent accurate portrayal (minus the bank robbing).
And yes I know it is a very minor thing and there are a LOT of other things I could be thinking about that would bring me down to a 4 or lower, but one takes one's anxiety as it comes.
I'm currently at like a 3 because my fellowship/internship ends in July and they don't have the budget to keep me (they tried! Four editors lobbied for it! It turns out I'm good at this new career!). So I'm looking at possibly being unemployed again when no one is hiring. The last time was in 2016, when I was on the academic job market, and I crashed and burned and finished my dissertation and then spent 18 months being depressed and unemployed. I was so happy to have this new job/career! And now there's hiring freezes and one job posting I thought I had a good shot at got pulled a week after being posted and it's just all very difficult.
It's hard because I was so depressed before, and this past year I've been so amazingly happy, because I found a thing I was good at in a town I love and I've actually had stability and enough money for food and rent, and medication that works for me, and everything. And now most of that is up in the air and it turns out all my brain issues weren't magically cured, they're just a lot easier to handle when I feel stable.
Also I'm scared of dying and I have a very dear immunocompromised friend whose neighbors are sick and I've already reached the "bitch eating crackers" stage with one of my housemates and if I get covid who will give insulin to my diabetic cat and I'm just having a little bit of a rough time, is all.
*deep breath*
And yet, amazingly, I'm *still* happier than I have been for most of my life, because wow, medication and years of therapy actually work, who knew.
My two least favorite Corona Updates came one right after the other from people who actually had the potential to be helpful in my life. First was the landlord, responding to people’s questions about how often the stairwells and communal laundry area are cleaned with basically “they are cleaned sometimes, and definitely not daily, can’t really get more specific than that.” Then he closed with this direct quote:
“There are many ways you can support your health with eating health, fresh green foods, supplements, working out and feed your mind with positive thoughts!!”
Next up was a video update from the CEO of my airline , who offered like one useful factoid, advises us to wash our hands, and then said he thought it would “really help if we all prayed” and spent about 5 minutes on that plan. I think most in here will agree that prayer, while useful in the right context, is not the plan you want to hear from your CEO.
I work at a grocery store, so how I'm doing swings wildly between "almost certainly going to be exposed" and "at least I can still pay my rent". Call it a 5?
The last normal thing my husband and I did before everything shut down was go see Spring Awakening at the local university, and seeing that music made me feel vaguely nostalgic for earlier this month.
The stay at home order for Minnesota starts on Friday so I'm moving in with my girlfriend for (at least) two weeks. (We've been self-isolated from everyone else, not going anywhere, etc, for weeks--but doing so back and forth between our apartments.) I am both THRILLED to have her so I'm not quarantining alone but also VERY nervous because I've lived alone for ten years and never with a romantic partner! Trying to look at it as an adventure!! I love her very much, it will be fine.
In more fun pandemic news, we picked up three pints of freshly made salsa from a local restaurant that was selling it as a fundraiser for their staff and to use up otherwise unused ingredients. We had a chips and salsa FEAST last night.
It's not the worst brand update, but I have gotten multiple automated "come in and enjoy a free ___ for your birthday!" emails from restaurants that are either only offering carryout right now or are flat out closed. (My birthday is Sunday.)
I have described this week as boredom punctuated by moments of terror. On a day to day basis, I am fine. My husband and I are healthy, the dog is healthy, our families are all healthy in other states, we have food and alcohol and internet. Our state (Illinois) is doing a reasonably good job of social distancing and I think our governor is doing pretty great.
On the other hand, it's hard to read or watch any news. The failures of leadership at a federal level are staggering. I know it will get worse before it gets better. And the days are running together. Boredom and terror.
Thank you, Nicole, for entertaining us and providing us a place to talk!
I'm self-isolating out in the remote countryside with my parents and have been fluctuating between a 6 and 7. I showed them an episode of Kim's Convenience, because we wanted to watch something light, and they fortunately really liked it. However, it unexpectedly made me sad, because I normally live in Toronto, and the show is so unabashedly Toronto
and it made me yearn for a way of life in a city that doesn't exist right now.
I cried for ten minutes yesterday about What If We Lose Stephen Sondheim who has lived a very long and full life because it’s significantly easier to think about mourning Sondheim than What If One Of My Relatives Dies In Canada And I Never See Them Again And Cannot Go To Their Funeral.
In the middle of the night, I realized that I was actually a 5.5 because I am going to lose a year of my extended family’s life. The best case scenario is that I am going to miss out on a year of my mother’s life and my father’s life and my stepmom’s life and my aunts’ and uncles’ life. And there is a worst case scenario where we lose more than that. And then I woke up and my best friend had sent me this and it explained it:
https://hbr.org/2020/03/that-discomfort-youre-feeling-is-grief
And all the emails from people who need help. I always think of myself as having the ability to be the emergency option for people in my life but I cannot help everyone who needs it and it’s very hard for me to say no and if you need money and I can’t get to it bc of volume and trying to triage my abilities I’m so sorry.
I had a lovely brief FaceTime with my closest heart friends yesterday and we had to keep fighting for a positive note to end on. We got there (a funny thing my baby said) but it took a minute.
Also, my friends are starting to get it. And their families. One lost someone not to the virus but because Spain’s overloaded medical system kept pushing him down the line until it was too late. Which is going to keep happening.
Also I have only seen Floyd Cardoz in person maybe once or twice in my life but my earliest NYC saving-up-for-a-nice-meal meals were always Tabla and it’s a weird gap suddenly in my early twenties which is so different from the bullshit “there’s a GAP/Starbucks in St Mark’s Place! My youth is GONE” thing, because it’s actually a death.
Bee update! I have my bees and they’re doing orientation flights!!! Someone asked if I have an Instagram for the hives. Yes, I do: StephsBees0320.
I am a 5.5 because I am 99% sure I have corona virus (22 year old intern came in to work and didn’t tell anyone his roommates were sick, they’ve since tested positive, now he’s sick and I’m sick and probably as a result 100 other people are also sick). But I’m on day six and it isn’t that bad for me, in case hearing this helps anyone who has been fixated on the worst outcomes. I’m 31 and I’ve got chest pressure, a little shortness of breath when moving, headache, fatigue. No fever and a cough that took until day six (my doctor said they are seeing lots of young people with no fever or cough) I can’t get tested because they are saving tests for the immunocompromised and healthcare workers, so just know the numbers of symptomatic people is much much worse than is being reported. The only bright side is no longer having to fear being infected, which has been kind of nice at least????? Anyway please for the love of god stay home if you or anyone around you is sick!!!!!!!
My current biggest point of anxiety currently is that my grandpa and his girlfriend had to drive from Wisconsin to Florida so she could help with arrangements for her brother who passed away last week. His passing was unrelated to current events as far as I know, so that's... idk not good per se but, you know. I am worried that the whole state will go into full lockdown before they can leave, not that I think that would necessarily stop my grandpa, and I am worried because they are both in their 80s. I just want to know that they are back on the road home and then back in their homes much sooner rather than later. If anyone has a spare thought in their prayers it would be much appreciated.
I'm maybe a 6 but if I stop to think about the fact that currently you are not allowed to SURF in San Diego it drops to a 4. I am not a surfer but I am passionately attached to this weird Zen religion of ours here in Southern Cal and I suffer empathetically for those who can't practice it for a while. P.S. If you ever watched "Point Break" and scoffed at soul surfers like Bodhi (RIP Patrick), I'm sorry to tell you, it's a one hundred percent accurate portrayal (minus the bank robbing).
And yes I know it is a very minor thing and there are a LOT of other things I could be thinking about that would bring me down to a 4 or lower, but one takes one's anxiety as it comes.
I'm currently at like a 3 because my fellowship/internship ends in July and they don't have the budget to keep me (they tried! Four editors lobbied for it! It turns out I'm good at this new career!). So I'm looking at possibly being unemployed again when no one is hiring. The last time was in 2016, when I was on the academic job market, and I crashed and burned and finished my dissertation and then spent 18 months being depressed and unemployed. I was so happy to have this new job/career! And now there's hiring freezes and one job posting I thought I had a good shot at got pulled a week after being posted and it's just all very difficult.
It's hard because I was so depressed before, and this past year I've been so amazingly happy, because I found a thing I was good at in a town I love and I've actually had stability and enough money for food and rent, and medication that works for me, and everything. And now most of that is up in the air and it turns out all my brain issues weren't magically cured, they're just a lot easier to handle when I feel stable.
Also I'm scared of dying and I have a very dear immunocompromised friend whose neighbors are sick and I've already reached the "bitch eating crackers" stage with one of my housemates and if I get covid who will give insulin to my diabetic cat and I'm just having a little bit of a rough time, is all.
*deep breath*
And yet, amazingly, I'm *still* happier than I have been for most of my life, because wow, medication and years of therapy actually work, who knew.
My two least favorite Corona Updates came one right after the other from people who actually had the potential to be helpful in my life. First was the landlord, responding to people’s questions about how often the stairwells and communal laundry area are cleaned with basically “they are cleaned sometimes, and definitely not daily, can’t really get more specific than that.” Then he closed with this direct quote:
“There are many ways you can support your health with eating health, fresh green foods, supplements, working out and feed your mind with positive thoughts!!”
Next up was a video update from the CEO of my airline , who offered like one useful factoid, advises us to wash our hands, and then said he thought it would “really help if we all prayed” and spent about 5 minutes on that plan. I think most in here will agree that prayer, while useful in the right context, is not the plan you want to hear from your CEO.
Thanks fellas, I feel sooo safe in your hands.
I work at a grocery store, so how I'm doing swings wildly between "almost certainly going to be exposed" and "at least I can still pay my rent". Call it a 5?
The last normal thing my husband and I did before everything shut down was go see Spring Awakening at the local university, and seeing that music made me feel vaguely nostalgic for earlier this month.
I'm at a 6 so far too, I think.
The stay at home order for Minnesota starts on Friday so I'm moving in with my girlfriend for (at least) two weeks. (We've been self-isolated from everyone else, not going anywhere, etc, for weeks--but doing so back and forth between our apartments.) I am both THRILLED to have her so I'm not quarantining alone but also VERY nervous because I've lived alone for ten years and never with a romantic partner! Trying to look at it as an adventure!! I love her very much, it will be fine.
In more fun pandemic news, we picked up three pints of freshly made salsa from a local restaurant that was selling it as a fundraiser for their staff and to use up otherwise unused ingredients. We had a chips and salsa FEAST last night.
It's not the worst brand update, but I have gotten multiple automated "come in and enjoy a free ___ for your birthday!" emails from restaurants that are either only offering carryout right now or are flat out closed. (My birthday is Sunday.)
I have described this week as boredom punctuated by moments of terror. On a day to day basis, I am fine. My husband and I are healthy, the dog is healthy, our families are all healthy in other states, we have food and alcohol and internet. Our state (Illinois) is doing a reasonably good job of social distancing and I think our governor is doing pretty great.
On the other hand, it's hard to read or watch any news. The failures of leadership at a federal level are staggering. I know it will get worse before it gets better. And the days are running together. Boredom and terror.
Thank you, Nicole, for entertaining us and providing us a place to talk!
I'm self-isolating out in the remote countryside with my parents and have been fluctuating between a 6 and 7. I showed them an episode of Kim's Convenience, because we wanted to watch something light, and they fortunately really liked it. However, it unexpectedly made me sad, because I normally live in Toronto, and the show is so unabashedly Toronto
and it made me yearn for a way of life in a city that doesn't exist right now.