669 Comments

I just accepted a job offer- and will be getting 16 weeks of paid parental leave instead of 2 weeks at 75%. I'm absolutely thrilled and in disbelief.

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Apr 10, 2020Liked by Nicole Cliffe

I had a baby at the beginning of March, had low milk supply, and he lost too much weight the first few days. He’s been primarily on formula since then, is growing like a champ, and this morning (1 month) weighs over 10 pounds! Nicole, your Toast essay and tweets on the subject were instrumental in getting me through those first weeks. Thank you, thank you, thank you ❤️

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No one reaches out to me unless I reach out to them first. Even my family. Like hi yes I know I always take on the burden of keeping my relationships going but it's particularly noteworthy when everyone else is overwhelmed with zoom calls from literally every friend they've ever had. Phew, petty complaint filed. That's one accomplishment for the day!

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One of my coworkers told me this week that I was as essential as toilet paper and I think that's the most hilarious and wonderful complement I've ever received.

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My rapist ex texted me for the first time in 4 years to say he hoped I was safe and healthy... v upsetting. When I related this to my therapist she asked why I hadn’t blocked him yet. which was a GREAT POINT so now he’s blocked and the texts are gone. (I think I had hung onto the texts because I wanted some kind of “proof” that the relationship was as bad as I remembered.) That was only my 3rd session with this therapist and she’s a gem.

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I'm pregnant with my first child. While I absolutely understand all of the restrictions in place as a result of COVID-19, it means this experience is not at all what I dreamed it would be and I'm an emotional wreck over it. My spouse can no longer come to appointments with me to hear baby's heartbeat. Gone are my hopes for a baby shower, or even decorating baby's room (state restrictions make getting paint, accessories a faraway hope). Gone is the little glee I might have gotten from showing people my growing baby bump. It's really sucking the joy from this whole experience.

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I had to cancel my upcoming wedding due to the virus, and sent out an email to everyone who was invited (save the dates had already been sent, but not formal invitations) just to let everyone know it was called off. My father’s response to this was a bulleted list of all of the grammatical errors I made in the email. People who make situations worse for no reason at all are such a drag!

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I had to take a job in a grocery store after getting laid off due to the virus. I'm glad I'm old enough now I don't care when people are weird, I tell you what.

So...things that are funny:

When people bitch at ME about the price of eggs or whatnot. (bish, you think if I had the power to do anything about that, I'd be on my fucking feet wearing an ugly tee behind this register, and not quarantining?)

People who smack against the plexiglass shield like a bug on a windshield.

Things that are not funny: People STILL outchea declaring precautions don't matter, they'll get sick if they get sick. WALK INTO TRAFFIC TYPHOID MARY, GET AWAY FROM ME.

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LOW STAKES gripe: my 80-year-old mom would really prefer for me to put on more makeup and jewelry while we shelter in place. She keeps telling me things like: "I had a dream - and you were in FULL MAKEUP."

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I had a board meeting via Zoom yesterday and the one coworker who constantly tries to undermine me and blame things on me if they can get away with it got the MOST sour look in their face when the whole board thanked me for doing such a good job during the pandemic 😏. Extremely petty, extremely satisfying.

My pettiest annoyance is how on EARTH do we make so many dirty dishes every day?? I feel like every single dish in the house is dirty at all times and I'm being buried under a mountain of dirty dishes despite washing them every day.

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I have a rant. I've been getting increasingly short-tempered with the internet at large. I know living the social isolation life is hard, but I'm housebound and have to live it year-round. Every "day 23 of quarantine" meme when I'm so many days in that I couldn't possibly count them just makes me feel like the world refuses to acknowledge people like me exist, even when that world has taken up residence in our house.

To add to it, my partner, on top of going to school to try to get education to make enough money to keep me alive, works in health care, so I'm either home alone or my partner is home but so snowed in by studying that I may as well be alone. I normally just keep up social connections online, but online is peppered by people complaining about having to spend a bunch of time with their partner and having to resort to watching stupid movies or playing old card games or shit to pass the time. I would kill for a couple hours where my partner can be a partner and we could have a nice date, instead of them being a 24 hour nurse having to help me manage medications and injections and basic necessities. (Though they say we might be able to have a date near the end of the month after their exams are over, so I'm hoping for that.)

And the one place that I normally have that is safe to go on rants to vent about things isn't safe right now, because if I complain about this, they react as though my being used to living this way all the time due to disability is, like, some sort of privilege(?) or something, and act like I'm some man in the high tower mocking the lowly surfs who don't live this way normally? Like its somehow better to have gone years without the sun or the feeling of a nice breeze and instead have the constant worry that my existence will drag anyone I love down into poverty?

I don't even know. It just can feel like the world has no place for me, but at least here I don't know anyone so I can't really be rejected.

As an aside, I have been, by necessity, cutting my hair at home for years, and it still looks as great as ever. Recently made it into a shoulder-length bob but not sure how long I'll keep it. So at least I have better hair that a significant portion of the world right now, even if my partner is the only one who will ever see it.

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I have a few complaints/accomplishments.

I paid off my grad school student loans!! I did not get to have the fun party that I was planning to mark the occasion.

My eyebrows look like fuzzy angry caterpillars. I miss getting them waxed. My fingernails are a mess (I can't cut them nicely to save my life). I miss manicures. I thought that maybe my skin would clear up if I stopped wearing make-up. Turns out the acne is a feature, not a bug. My hair is falling out from stress. My bathroom looks like Chewbacca has taken up residence. My cleaning team can't come for the foreseeable future. I want to go swim laps, damnit!!

I HAD A NIGHTMARE ABOUT TARGET, and not being able to find bleach or toilet paper, which is like the ultimate indignity.

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Last night we had a virtual Zoom seder, and after the requisite multiple glasses of wine, I cleaned up and went to bed. This morning, I couldn't find my laptop ANYWHERE, finally grabbed it seconds before my meeting, and joined my team's weekly leadership mtg. with a background of the Rugrats Passover clip when Tommy parts the red sea.

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I have a special needs kid (mostly nonverbal, intellectual disability) and the idea we might be on lockdown and he might not be able to go back to school for a year has me up nights. He benefits SO MUCH from his therapists and teachers, and taking it away from him feels cruel. (It’s also borderline impossible to work from home and watch him, but that’s a side point. I could put up with some difficult parenting if I felt like being out of school wasn’t hurting him, but it is.) Online education is great but he doesn’t have the capabilities/attention span to get a lot out of it.

And then I feel like a whiny bitch for complaining about this because of COURSE I don’t want people to die so my snookums can go to school. But it’s just so very hard.

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I have been buying things from small, women-owned, online businesses I like and writing the proprietors emails telling them how much I like their stuff and to hang in there.

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This is not petty necessarily, but: my cat died. My sweet, affectionate, handsome boy who was my best friend for 18 years. And my husband and I are stuck at home with all the reminders of him and no pets to cuddle and it just sucks. It sucks a big one.

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My dear, dear husband bought a 50 pound bag of flour yesterday and has yet to explain to me exactly where he thinks he is going to store it. Currently it is sitting in our living room.

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Nicole I adore you. If I was rich I’d ask nicely if I could be your second spouse.

Having said that, a huge fuck you to my ex-husband. I really hate separation and divorce and this whole heartbreaking process. He’s cheated on me for years, starting two weeks after I paid our entire house deposit. And now he wants most of that money for himself. Because apparently if I hadn’t had kids, he’d have lots more money, so I owe him extra. Divorce is weird. I married this guy, had kids with him. And now it turns out he’s some monster who forgets to call his kids or cheaps out on child support.

Anyway I’m isolating 14 hours away from home, in my parents spare room, because on top of all this there’s a pandemic. And I’m tired and whingy and stealing the cheap gin from my dad again. So here’s my whinge!

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I did not get to consume my fill of Shamrock Shakes due to *gestures wildly* and I am annoyed because of it! I also miss popping in to places on my way home.

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if my neighbors in my apartment building start smoking so much weed at 8 a.m. that I can smell it coming through my own vents when the heat kicks on and yelling at each other ONE MORE TIME, while I am trying to pay attention to MY LAW SCHOOL CLASSES, there is going to be so much yelling

also I live alone and it is Good Friday and nearly Easter and I have absolutely nobody to spend this holy time with and it makes me incredibly sad

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I had to redo a bunch of slides for work this morning because my coworker uploaded the wrong older templates to the new team drive and I didn't realize until after I had made everything and I am very very annoyed. I have the right ones!! I have been using the right ones for months now!! But she always thinks she knows best and while I appreciate a lot of her efforts a lot of the time this is now the 2nd time on this project where the new templates I created back in like October disappeared in favor of older shittier templates from the last person who was not good at making templates. Sorry if none of this makes sense I'm just very annoyed and need to vent.

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I'm juggling being the primary caregiver for my dying mother, helping raise my 4 year old niece, and working a part time job. I'm so tired all the time and I wish I could just run away.

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Apr 10, 2020Liked by Nicole Cliffe

The live reading I was supposed to give at the Center for Fiction is officially going to be a zoom thing. I'm not surprised, but still sad. I have a sexy red jumpsuit and I was going to look fucking amazing in person. win over those stodgy old literary folks *jenna maroney voice* with my SEXUALITY !

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I am MUCH better at regularly doing my dishes than I have been the last 2.5 years of living alone. As part of an evening post-work TV/dinner/dishes/sleep routine that has been really helpful.

((And it's not so tiny, but weirdly the whole external stress ball has helped me drink (i.e. self-medicate) less. Which I've also been working for the last few years, but putting it in the context with of 'surviving a pandemic less miserably' seems to have changed things, and I hope I can keep it up.))

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On this day a year ago, I was stumbling around Aalborg, eating smørrebrød and getting lost and having a glorious time. One year ago tomorrow, I visited my great grandfather's home town and took the train to Skagen, a town at the tippy top of Denmark, for a week of art and long walks and sticking my toes in two seas at once.

This year I'm stuck at home, my husband is dead, and I have to keep shipping my daughter off to Grandma's house because I can't work and parent at the same time -- especially since work keeps dumping extra little projects on because they want to make sure we're really working throughout all of this.

Fuck this shit. Bring back 2019. I wanna go back to the sea.

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My work is in domestic violence issues. We are trying to implement actions for women confined at home with their abuser, ways for them to call the police and get help. We're opening stalls in malls (the only thing, with pharmacies, still open in France). I am FURIOUS with our government We have to find masks by ourselves, nothing has been planned for and we are left to our devices. And that's just a small part of the picture. I can't even start to think about the situation in the hospitals or I just shut down. I'm trying my best, I know I do good work in these circumstances but I feel so useless, I feel abandoned by the State that was supposed to protect us. My thoughts are with those in all these countries where it's even worse (Macron is still far from Trump). Love to all.

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On the good news front, we adopted a second cat this week! I follow a local shelter on IG (same place we got the first cat in my user pic) and we kept seeing his pic on there and discussed getting him, but then he stopped showing up and wasn't on their website so we figured he had been adopted. But then on Tuesday they posted that he was the last adoptable cat left in the shelter and my roommate and I were like, WE NEED TO GET HIM!!!! so we walked a mile there (took a very empty bus back) and snatched him up.

They warned us he might be shy and not people friendly (which is likely why he was there for so long) but that he would probably be happy with another cat. But he has been the absolute sweetest boy - he didn't hide at all when we let him out, he just walked around purring and rubbing his face on everything including us. I'm sure it was just the shelter environment that was stressing him out. He and our first cat seem very happy to be brothers and I am glad we were able to give him a happy home.

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My 6-week-old is sleeping for stretches of 4-5 hours at night. Praise be.

She has also gained 2lbs in the last 2 weeks, bumping her up to nearly 12lbs, making my poor carpal tunnel wrists hurt like nothing else on heaven and Earth. (Why did no one tell me pregnancy carpal tunnel was a thing. Why is it still a thing for me, 6 weeks after giving birth.)

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I need to vent. I tried to do the right thing last month and go to the doctor for the first time in 6 years and now I got saddled with a big bill because I have shitty insurance and I have to call them about it and honestly the whole healthcare system in this country makes me SO MAD and I'm a healthy person with major conditions. I can't imagine the stress someone who is sick and needs multiple appointments, procedures, and prescriptions.

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My boss sent a little local business care package to all his direct reports - coffee, some honey, cookies. And it was just super simple and thoughtful. It made me smile and I have new good coffee for the weekend! I am also trying to control my impulses to use retail therapy to make me feel better. I can’t go anywhere and so buying comfy clothing and new face cream is just so appealing!

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I totally got back into ballet (at home) and then I also realised I need to remember all my pre pointe feet exercises and also that maybe I was not in fact terrible at it even if my brain told me so.

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Petty gripe: I’m disabled and can’t go to the store but it’s nearly impossible to get groceries delivered because everyone is doing it now. I wish there were special time slots set aside for disabled people just like they have the parking spaces. It wouldn’t be that hard to do

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I’m sheltering in place with a family member who is 100% committed to diet culture and I had to fight for pasta (I am poor and they are in charge of buying food) and I just want carbs by gd

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It just snowed 10 inches here in Bangor, Maine, on Friday, April 10th in this year of our Lord 2020, and I’m so out of fucks to give I woke up and had jalapeño ranch potato chips and mint Oreos for breakfast at 7am because it feels like the glitch in the Matrix has become so all-encompassing, nothing has meaning anymore.

On a more positive note: I’ve been trying to walk/hike 3 miles a day, and it looks like I’m going to get to break out my snowshoes for the first time this year for today’s excursion.

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I was living in Lebanon + bumped my move up a week so I could make it back to the US before coronavirus containment shut the world’s borders + my dog’s airline ticket was cancelled + now I’m waiting for my friend to send him + every three days we come up with a new solution but then another airport closes or an airline doesn’t let dogs as cargo anymore so I’m healthy + safe but without my best friend

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I made 4 masks. It took 4 hours. I'm a terrible seamstress.

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My partner is working later and later every night, and I feel like this this didn’t happen pre-virus? It’s hard because I now depend on him so much for fun times and I’m just so disappointed when I learn he has late calls. Also, his “office” is our bedroom and he just woke me up taking an 8 AM.

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I just found lice in my hair FML

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I am working on a community volunteer project (yay) and we are updating the instructions so more people can help (yay) and I am in the throes of "edit by committee" and I have 8 pages of edits on a two page document and I am losing.my.shit. Most of their edits are unnecessary/borderline useless but my friend wants to be inclusive and what should have taken 1 day is taking all week. Thank you for letting me bitch here! It's my safe space.

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Last Saturday was my birthday, which was predictably a bit depressing. But then to top it off, my five year old punched me in the forehead in a pique of anger (because I was telling her she could not go around spitting in people's faces, we live in a society!) and gave me a concussion. No one believes I had a concussion because a) she's just a child and b) no one takes women's pain seriously. After three days if solid headache I had a virtual visit with a (male) neurologist who confirmed the dx so now my husband takes it seriously 😑. I'm the sole breadwinner at this point and my hours have just been reduced 30% and I'm stuck in a 1bedroom NYC apartment with two kids. And now I have a MTBI and I'm just so tired.

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Ugh all the “I was baking before it was corona-cool” people now that more and more folks have taken up sourdough. Let people liiiiiiiiiiiive

Aka me 🙃

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I was scheduled to get a tattoo this week. My first! No sense of when anything will re-open so no idea when I might be able to reschedule. I know this is a small disappointment, but I'm really bummed out about it.

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been 3 weeks since i've seen my partner and i miss the d and cuddles. and his stupid axe body spray. wedding planning is just *shrugs* rn bc who even knows what's in store for next year. i had 1 amazing driving lesson b4 pandemic caution started where i'm at and i'm real mad. i actually felt comfortable in a car and could imagine myself driving? on the road? with other cars? i've been more consistent about going out for a walkjog and i finished a 500 piece puzzle! rainbow color buttons! next up is a 750 piece fantasy angel puzzle!

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I just filed my FBAR (it's a US-citizen-living-abroad thing), with my morning made extra exciting because I've spent the past few days vomiting for no particular reason. (Stress? A can gone bad? Chronic-illness-who-tf-knows?)

Pesach sameach if that's your jam, happy Easter if that's your jam, an early Ramadan mubarak is that's _your_ jam, and for those of you with other flavours of jam (including non-jam like nutella, peanut butter, passion fruit curd), good wishes of your choice upon you.

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Well, yesterday I found out I’m officially graduating from grad school. Not sure when I’ll be job hunting in my new field but I’m happy (and a little sad) to be done. Took 3.5 years.

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I just really miss The Toast today. I saw a twitter thread about miserable-looking women in old paintings and have been rereading Danny's Western Art History pieces as a result. They bring me a lot of joy, but I'll always miss my daily visit to the site and the community. I understand why it had to end, but... I just really miss The Toast.

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Grievances of the week:

A. My rural internet is not strong enough to support video visitation with my in-custody clients. We can see each other but not hear each other

B. My LGD Great Pyrenees-mix is going through her teenage stage and is driving me nuts. Yesterday I caught her "playing" with one of my six week old pullets in her mouth. The bird was okay but who knows if I hadn't caught her in the act?

C. My coworker/rottweiler emits toxic farts all. day. long.

D. My husband is retired and therefore was social distancing before it was a thing. For the most part we have enough space not to get on each others nerves but he wants to go with me every time I leave the house and I just want to listen to my Bravo podcasts in peace!

E. I miss the Eucharist and my above-mentioned rural internet is not really good enough to stream the services my church has been putting online.

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The kids went to their dad's house last weekend and he called to say he has the virus. I do not think he did this on purpose of course, but I have been VIGILANT and he has been careless. So now the kids are with me and I am nervously watching and waiting.

Also I have a teen with anxiety who is hard to get out of the house during normal times, and now she does not even want to go out in the yard. Worry is exhausting and pervasive.

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I have two small accomplishments!

I have been writing a lot lately, and happy about it. I wrote a school closures FAQ for Ask A Teacher on Slate that I was proud of, and have been putting a lot of energy into my newsletter. It feels positive and productive.

I have been vigilant about my skincare and it is paying off. I am DEWY, baby. Radiant!

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(TW: conception issues, I suppose? I'm new to this dimension of tagging)

Minor complaint: my husband and I have been trying for a baby - casually - for the last few months. It seemed like this time, it was happening - nausea (almost near constant), running hot (no fever), the whole shebang. Period was even 4 days late, but all the tests came back negative. Today, I started - I guess global pandemic counts as a stressful event but I've never been late. I didn't realize how disappointed I actually was until this morning. I know there's an entire world of grief and anxiety but I was really, really hoping...I guess now we move forward in earnest. thought I wouldn't care either way. I know I'm more anxious about things like the fact that my parents are over 70 and I desperately want them to meet a grandchild (and it's not my baggage to bear, I know, I know) but didn't realize how badly I wanted to see a +. My heart goes out to every person who has struggled with fertility, I realize as far as I know that what I'm feeling isn't comparable.

Good news: I'm installing a native plant pollinator garden tomorrow. Locus of control, etc.

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