My dad died last night and I'm just so sad. I'm glad I got to see him at the hospital yesterday and that my mom and I are staying at my brother's for now.
Sending you so much love through all the heartbreak and grief. Glad you were able to see your dad yesterday, and that you're with your mom and brother.
NICOLE! Thank you so much for including my 'On Karen' piece from yesterday. I was reading and suddenly looking around my living room like "!!!....! Is that -- I think that's me!"
"There is no good reason why people should not be allowed to help each other and advocate for each other and I would rather test an employer to see how they react to this to see if they take their duty of care to their employees seriously."
Methinks that LW does a lot of "testing" not just to employers.
I was SO MAD reading that letter. I HATE the way he talks about his on-the-spectrum wife because it's so clear he doesn't think she can handle her own career. And then to be like "our friends are mad at us all because of your advice!!!" like my dude, if you hate the advice so much, don't take it?? But also do actually take it because it is sound???? This LW is canceled until he gets his act together!!!!
There are so many layers to it... I just reread it after your comment and you know, the person doesn’t even say their spouse is on the autistic spectrum. It reads possibly as just an example of an attribute that would require this. Which is even worse! Also, no way it’s their friends going “what are you going to do about it” and reeks of controlling mother/mother in law/toxic masculinity friend/father whatever. No normal people are saying, “why are you allowing this” to a fully grown person about another fully grown person’s choices. Whoever it is absolutely thinks they’re a big bad hero that this boss will just listen to.
Right? If he (presumably) wants to do it against best advice and common sense, he can do it. But he also needs to write in and demand that AAM validate his shitty impulse.
I pictured them as one of those officious sputtering people always know just what everybody else should be doing and are happy to tell them exactly what that is.
Torn between picturing the writer as a fussy and bossy man and the employee / spouse as a woman on the spectrum, or the writer as a know it all (there's one in every office) woman who gets in everybody's face because they aren't lining their pens up the right way, and the employee / spouse is an on the spectrum engineer who is getting passed up for promotion because he doesn't assert himself enough (though he's perfectly happy where he's at and would be a horrible manager if he got promoted to management).
Excellent advice to the dude who wanted to baby his mom, but I want to track him down and yell at him a little. You can’t tell someone you will deliver the news about the death of their loved one and then back out of it or even delay it long enough to get advice column advice!!
When my dad died I had to make all the phone calls because she and my brother couldn’t handle it. I asked my aunt to please call their late-mom’s best friend to let her know about my dad. I had never met the woman but I knew they all talked regularly. My aunt said she could do that for me.
Two days later I needed to call her about something related to the funeral, and the friend hears my voice and says “You must be Jenn! And your dad must be so happy that you’re at his house visiting! Are the kids with you? He just loves those kids.”
Friends, I was gutted. I had to hold it together enough to tell her the news, when she clearly had no idea he had even been in ICU for over a week. I’m still upset with my aunt. When I emailed her to let her know the friend knew about my dad now she said, “I’m sorry, I just wasn’t ready to say it out loud yet.”
You cannot risk causing pain to an immediate family member of the recently deceased. If you say you’ll make a call, make the call so they don’t get stuck with another cheerful caller they have to destroy without even getting to brace themselves first.
Today in Good News: I discovered yesterday that the mystery shrubbery in front of my front porch is in fact a gardenia bush. It's starting to bloom and has tons of buds and I have been taking breaks just to go smell it because it is what heaven smells like to me.
Today in Tentatively Good News: My cat got fleas and I live in a ground floor apartment in the South built in the late 1800's so obviously they spread but I have been diligent in treatment and spraying and think they are on their way out. The vet said it's been a brutal flea season so if you have been neglecting treating your pets PLEASE do it!
Also -- especially in the South, and I feel like especially for cats for some reason, the fleas adapt to the older treatments/preventatives, so you may need to use a different (newer) kind every few years. (Unfortunately, they're very expensive, but sometimes vets have free samples)
I just saw my first gardenia bloom in front of my porch today! Congratulations on winning Shrub Roulette.
Good to know! One of the things that can spread fleas is unmowed lawns. My lawn hasn't been mowed bc understandably, my landlord doesn't want to come over, but the dogs of my downstairs neighbors are probably going to get fleas! I need to prompt him to mow, so thanks for the reminder!
Nicole, I just want to let you know that your newsletter is helping me so much. My husband officially lost his job yesterday and it is so hard to help him believe that everything will be okay right now, because it's hard for me to believe it too. Today's sign-off made me tear up and feel very seen. Thank you.
As a Karen...I truly do not understand the confusion. Is it remotely comparable to racist language??? Of course not. Who in the world would claim it was??
(Does it bother me? Occasionally. But as a cis white woman, I assure you my inherent privilege is not damaged by being named Karen!!)
I have more thoughts coming later, but that dude from Ask a Manager 100% a) does not think his partner can handle this on her own without a "man's help" and b) is definitely worried that he doesn't look enough like a man to his friends.
I will concede there is a chance this is a same sex couple, but as a guy I kind of can smell my own here.
"We lost John Prine. I do not care about anything now." That about sums it up. Have been crying off and on since about 7:30 pm last night and woke up with "everything is cool" in my head. But everything IS NOT cool. I'm not okay.
I cried so much yesterday rewatching Infinity War and Endgame, like a wuss, that I just dry-heaved multiple times when I heard about John. Literally dry-heaved into the toilet. He was so important to my family. My mom and my Grandma Peggy (in particular) are absolutely crushed. He was their getting-through-shit person.
I can't lie, my first *coherent* thought was - "i really wish i could talk to Nicole about this." I have my feeling about him so intimately tied to my feelings about my Dad that I can't really separate them out. That's about how I feel. I feel like I lost another piece of my dad.
At least we know where he is and what he’s doing: vodka and ginger ale, cigarette nine miles long, pretty girl on the tilt-a-whirl, rock and roll. Grieving heavily today.
And for something lighter - now we all agree that the super soldier serum means that Cap's recovery period is pretty much instant right? Like he's just ready to go again in about 30 seconds or so?
Here in my house we are preparing for two virtual seders, one tonight and one tomorrow. Husband very excited to make our own matzo ball soup (that was always someone else’s responsibility, Before). I will make the Passover dessert I learned when I married him: matzo toffee (matzo, caramel, chocolate, salt, nuts). The only dish I am not very excited to eat is the chopped liver. We wish we could have a big to-do and invite everyone and use the wedding china, but alas.
Here's a fun little story. Roger Ebert left a movie early due to overly salty popcorn, ducked into a local bar for a beer, heard a mailman singing, and wrote a review for the Sun-Times. And launched John Prine's career. https://www.rogerebert.com/features/john-prine-american-legend
I still haven't seen either one of the True Grits, but Edge of Seventeen is what made me a Hailee fan. Now I want an A24 teen comedy with her, Beanie Feldstein, and Florence Pugh.
The inclusion of True Grit reminded me that my beloved high school ceramics teacher said that he couldn't completely enjoy the movie because Hailee's character reminded him too much of me (happy cry emoji)
Iris Dement's "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms" is what I listened to on repeat when I lost a family member and the whole album (Lifetime) are perfect for this hard, bad time.
My dad died last night and I'm just so sad. I'm glad I got to see him at the hospital yesterday and that my mom and I are staying at my brother's for now.
I’m so terribly sorry, and also glad you got to see him, a sad gift.
holding you and your family in the light.
My love and love and love to you. What a hard, hard loss. Wishing you and your whole family a lot of gentle tenderness right now.
I'm so sorry, Karita.
I am so sorry. I'm thinking about you and your family.
I'm so sorry. May his memory be a blessing.
Oh no! Sending thoughts of peace to you all.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I’m so very sorry for your loss.
Karita! You and your family are in my thoughts
I am so sorry. Always horrible to go through, but right now is especially awful.
Sending you so much love through all the heartbreak and grief. Glad you were able to see your dad yesterday, and that you're with your mom and brother.
I am so sorry. Sending good thoughts to you and your family.
NICOLE! Thank you so much for including my 'On Karen' piece from yesterday. I was reading and suddenly looking around my living room like "!!!....! Is that -- I think that's me!"
*THE* DUANA READS MY NEWSLETTER HOLY SHIT
I only understand about 60% of this interaction but I’m here for this kind of fangirling (?womanx-ing?)
What!? Obviously/rabidly/hiiiiii
The person who wrote into ask a manager is one of those quietly terrifying controlling types, without question.
"There is no good reason why people should not be allowed to help each other and advocate for each other and I would rather test an employer to see how they react to this to see if they take their duty of care to their employees seriously."
Methinks that LW does a lot of "testing" not just to employers.
I was SO MAD reading that letter. I HATE the way he talks about his on-the-spectrum wife because it's so clear he doesn't think she can handle her own career. And then to be like "our friends are mad at us all because of your advice!!!" like my dude, if you hate the advice so much, don't take it?? But also do actually take it because it is sound???? This LW is canceled until he gets his act together!!!!
Autistic people have to fight harder to be taken seriously in the workplace, this kind of nonsense is so counterproductive!!!! It just burns my grits.
There are so many layers to it... I just reread it after your comment and you know, the person doesn’t even say their spouse is on the autistic spectrum. It reads possibly as just an example of an attribute that would require this. Which is even worse! Also, no way it’s their friends going “what are you going to do about it” and reeks of controlling mother/mother in law/toxic masculinity friend/father whatever. No normal people are saying, “why are you allowing this” to a fully grown person about another fully grown person’s choices. Whoever it is absolutely thinks they’re a big bad hero that this boss will just listen to.
Right? If he (presumably) wants to do it against best advice and common sense, he can do it. But he also needs to write in and demand that AAM validate his shitty impulse.
I pictured them as one of those officious sputtering people always know just what everybody else should be doing and are happy to tell them exactly what that is.
Torn between picturing the writer as a fussy and bossy man and the employee / spouse as a woman on the spectrum, or the writer as a know it all (there's one in every office) woman who gets in everybody's face because they aren't lining their pens up the right way, and the employee / spouse is an on the spectrum engineer who is getting passed up for promotion because he doesn't assert himself enough (though he's perfectly happy where he's at and would be a horrible manager if he got promoted to management).
Excellent advice to the dude who wanted to baby his mom, but I want to track him down and yell at him a little. You can’t tell someone you will deliver the news about the death of their loved one and then back out of it or even delay it long enough to get advice column advice!!
When my dad died I had to make all the phone calls because she and my brother couldn’t handle it. I asked my aunt to please call their late-mom’s best friend to let her know about my dad. I had never met the woman but I knew they all talked regularly. My aunt said she could do that for me.
Two days later I needed to call her about something related to the funeral, and the friend hears my voice and says “You must be Jenn! And your dad must be so happy that you’re at his house visiting! Are the kids with you? He just loves those kids.”
Friends, I was gutted. I had to hold it together enough to tell her the news, when she clearly had no idea he had even been in ICU for over a week. I’m still upset with my aunt. When I emailed her to let her know the friend knew about my dad now she said, “I’m sorry, I just wasn’t ready to say it out loud yet.”
You cannot risk causing pain to an immediate family member of the recently deceased. If you say you’ll make a call, make the call so they don’t get stuck with another cheerful caller they have to destroy without even getting to brace themselves first.
Oh man, I am so sorry. I know that feeling of "I wasn't ready to say it out loud yet" but it's news that has to be shared asap.
Today in Good News: I discovered yesterday that the mystery shrubbery in front of my front porch is in fact a gardenia bush. It's starting to bloom and has tons of buds and I have been taking breaks just to go smell it because it is what heaven smells like to me.
Today in Tentatively Good News: My cat got fleas and I live in a ground floor apartment in the South built in the late 1800's so obviously they spread but I have been diligent in treatment and spraying and think they are on their way out. The vet said it's been a brutal flea season so if you have been neglecting treating your pets PLEASE do it!
Also -- especially in the South, and I feel like especially for cats for some reason, the fleas adapt to the older treatments/preventatives, so you may need to use a different (newer) kind every few years. (Unfortunately, they're very expensive, but sometimes vets have free samples)
I just saw my first gardenia bloom in front of my porch today! Congratulations on winning Shrub Roulette.
Good to know! One of the things that can spread fleas is unmowed lawns. My lawn hasn't been mowed bc understandably, my landlord doesn't want to come over, but the dogs of my downstairs neighbors are probably going to get fleas! I need to prompt him to mow, so thanks for the reminder!
Nicole, I just want to let you know that your newsletter is helping me so much. My husband officially lost his job yesterday and it is so hard to help him believe that everything will be okay right now, because it's hard for me to believe it too. Today's sign-off made me tear up and feel very seen. Thank you.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoox
As a Karen...I truly do not understand the confusion. Is it remotely comparable to racist language??? Of course not. Who in the world would claim it was??
(Does it bother me? Occasionally. But as a cis white woman, I assure you my inherent privilege is not damaged by being named Karen!!)
I have more thoughts coming later, but that dude from Ask a Manager 100% a) does not think his partner can handle this on her own without a "man's help" and b) is definitely worried that he doesn't look enough like a man to his friends.
I will concede there is a chance this is a same sex couple, but as a guy I kind of can smell my own here.
This.
"We lost John Prine. I do not care about anything now." That about sums it up. Have been crying off and on since about 7:30 pm last night and woke up with "everything is cool" in my head. But everything IS NOT cool. I'm not okay.
I cried so much yesterday rewatching Infinity War and Endgame, like a wuss, that I just dry-heaved multiple times when I heard about John. Literally dry-heaved into the toilet. He was so important to my family. My mom and my Grandma Peggy (in particular) are absolutely crushed. He was their getting-through-shit person.
I can't lie, my first *coherent* thought was - "i really wish i could talk to Nicole about this." I have my feeling about him so intimately tied to my feelings about my Dad that I can't really separate them out. That's about how I feel. I feel like I lost another piece of my dad.
Ugh I so relate. Another piece of my heart.
*little / infinite piece of my heart
Dolly on Instagram last week or weeks ago made me feel better. She knows God. XO
At least we know where he is and what he’s doing: vodka and ginger ale, cigarette nine miles long, pretty girl on the tilt-a-whirl, rock and roll. Grieving heavily today.
I am taking solace from picturing him reuniting with his buddy, the great Steve Goodman, and jamming.
Yes, this seems completely correct.
I’m sorry. I saw the news last night and immediately worried for all my friends on this post. Cried my eyes out Friday with bill withers.
And for something lighter - now we all agree that the super soldier serum means that Cap's recovery period is pretty much instant right? Like he's just ready to go again in about 30 seconds or so?
absolutely yes
He and Peggy didn’t leave that house for at least 3 months then
Here in my house we are preparing for two virtual seders, one tonight and one tomorrow. Husband very excited to make our own matzo ball soup (that was always someone else’s responsibility, Before). I will make the Passover dessert I learned when I married him: matzo toffee (matzo, caramel, chocolate, salt, nuts). The only dish I am not very excited to eat is the chopped liver. We wish we could have a big to-do and invite everyone and use the wedding china, but alas.
I hope you still use the wedding china <3
we will!! when we registered for it, husband insisted we get a set that came with bowls so we could use it for Passover. we love those dang bowls.
Here's a fun little story. Roger Ebert left a movie early due to overly salty popcorn, ducked into a local bar for a beer, heard a mailman singing, and wrote a review for the Sun-Times. And launched John Prine's career. https://www.rogerebert.com/features/john-prine-american-legend
I still haven't seen either one of the True Grits, but Edge of Seventeen is what made me a Hailee fan. Now I want an A24 teen comedy with her, Beanie Feldstein, and Florence Pugh.
The 2010 True Grit with Hailee is the superior version and holds up really well on a rewatch.
It's so much truer to the Charles Portis novel than the John Wayne version was.
The inclusion of True Grit reminded me that my beloved high school ceramics teacher said that he couldn't completely enjoy the movie because Hailee's character reminded him too much of me (happy cry emoji)
Nicole, you know those showgirls showed Cap a thing or two besides how to sell war bonds.
he would never!! (he might)
Oh, fanfiction says he totally did.
I can't argue with fanfiction!
Iris Dement's "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms" is what I listened to on repeat when I lost a family member and the whole album (Lifetime) are perfect for this hard, bad time.
LIFELINE it's called Lifeline, autocorrect is my especial nemesis