ROYAL NONSENSE TIME

okay, okay, okay, let's do this

I GAVE AWAY MY TWITTER INFO SO PLEASE SHARE THIS WIDELY AND ALL OVER TWITTER THANK YOU, I ALSO RECEIVE REPLIES IF YOU HIT “REPLY”

So, fans will remember that I, in the wake of the Sun’s wild-ass weird piece about the “rift” between the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and the Cholmondeleys (pronounced “Chumleys”), felt it necessary to give my own exact opinion about what is going wrong in Norfolk (please read the thread in full). It drew…a lot of attention, as well as truly weird hate mail, but there we are, a prophet is never recognized in his own town.

As a result, I have been cited in NUMEROUS ACTUAL PUBLICATIONS as either:

a) a journalist

b) a reporter

c) a royal insider

d) a source

When, in fact, I am just a simple woman who stans for Meghan and has spent years paying way too much attention to these weird inbred people. My love rankings go: my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ > my husband/kids > my family and friends > Royal gossip > breathing.

At any rate, I woke up this morning to the news that the story is really starting to break big, and break fast, so let’s see what’s happening.

Royal Foibles* had the TEA this morning, and I would like to share with you my fav bits of it.

First, they shared my “Clarence House doth protest too much” stance:

For Kate’s all too aware, once again according to some of her less than kind observers, that certain high ranking courtiers still see her as a middle class upstart, albeit one they’re resigned to one day becoming queen. As such, she’s striven to be twice as good as the typical royal, and is even more loath to be dragged into a public scandal than any of her in-laws. Which must make this recent turn of events all the more troubling for her. This ordeal began on March 22nd when The Sun tabloid printed a story entitled, Royal Rival: Kate Middleton has fall-out with glamorous best friend and tells Prince William to ‘phase her out,‘ alleging the duchess, for unspecified reasons, had recently ended her formerly close friendship with her Norfolk neighbor, Lady Rose Cholmondeley, née Hanbury, the Marchioness of Cholmondeley, pronounced “Chumley,” and had ordered her husband to banish Rose from their social circle. This article, however, didn’t specify what, exactly, the alleged falling out concerned, but by its very title indicated Kate viewed Rose as her unwanted competition regarding something or other.

Matters were made even curiouser two days later when Daily Mail veteran royal reporter, Richard Kay, penned a column claiming the previous Sun article absolutely wasn’t true, praised Prince William effusively while insisting he possessed none of his father’s emotional baggage, claimed all parties involved laughed offthe notion that Kate and Rose had a falling out; and concluded by declaring how hurt they were by all this tawdry speculation, and that they would consider legal action, if only The Sun had been more specific regarding the cause of Kate and Rose’s so called rivalry and break up. Needless to write, Kay cited various unnamed sources as having provided the info for his piece. Given the Mail‘s well known, back channel access to the royals and their courtiers, and more specifically Richard Kay’s access to the Wales princes, initially forged through his well documented working relationship with their late mother, speculation began to run wild concerning this vaguely described, seemingly innocuous rumor that the Cambridges nonetheless were going to such great lengths to deny. Twitter was soon ignited with royal rumor and innuendo.

Some supposition about Rose Hanbury’s CONVENIENCE as a mistress:

One thing all this author’s well placed sources within the British royal world are in agreement on is that William, like his male forbears, is a creature of sexual habit, and if he were to have an affair, he’d likely stray no further than a damsel firmly entrenched within the small social milieu to which he’s always belonged. He certainly lacks his little brother’s, or even his father’s, sense of cultural adventure. Following this logic, the former Rose Hanbury would make an ideal royal mistress. She’s safely married to an aristocrat husband, who’s 23 years her senior, who also just so happens to be the Queen’s currently serving, hereditary Lord Great Chamberlain, meaning he, and his wife, are present in an official capacity at most state occasions. Just to make matters cozier for William, Rose and her husband, David, reside at Houghton Hall, which is only a few miles down the road from Will and Kate’s country seat, Anmer Hall. British royal princes are said to traditionally dread having to travel long distances for their assignations. Case in point: Will’s father’s country estate, Highgrove, was but a stone’s throw away from Bolyhide Manor, the estate of his long term married mistress, Camilla Parker Bowles. Charles and Camilla’s close proximity certainly made their weekend booty calls that much more convenient for them.

Then there’s the matter of Rose’s lineage, which in theory is supposed to make her the perfect candidate for the role of trusted royal confidante. For her late grandmother was Lady Elizabeth Longman, née Lambert, who wasn’t only among the Queen’s handpicked childhood playmates, but also served as a bridesmaid at Her Majesty’s wedding. Lady Longman was a life long member of the Queen’s inner circle, particularly noted for her discretion. Surely her granddaughter would be the same, lol??????

Some just plain horrible hints at HOW this went down:

The timeline of the alleged affair, according to both published and unpublished reports, goes something like this. After years of low key flirting between the pair, Prince William finally started bedding Lady Rose around the time Kate found out she was pregnant with their latest child, Prince Louis. She’d pretty much discovered she was with child this go round in the same manner she’d found out she was carrying the previous two: Kate came down with a debilitating case of hyperemesis gravidarum, and doctors this time recommended, allegedly, that, because of her age, ongoing obsession with keeping her weight down, and the fact this was likely her last pregnancy, she refrain from sex. This, coupled with a certain dissatisfaction Will’s been feeling for his wife for sometime, owing to the somewhat separate lives they now lead, led him to follow the primrose path leading straight to her good friend and neighbor’s arms.

Kate, it should be noted, is the most hands on mother of a future king in the history of the British Monarchy, and between her devotion to her children, and her royal obligations, she’s managed in the last couple of years to cultivate a life for herself that’s genuinely her own, and separated from William’s. It’s this distance, so the story goes, that enabled her husband to cheat on her with one of her closest friends without her knowledge. Even after little Louis’s birth, it seems, the affair allegedly continued, with some suspecting William had improbably fallen in love with his latest mistress. And judging by her suspected behavior since their sudden break up, the feeling might very well have been mutual.

And then, finally, Kate’s mistake (I feel dreadful, absolutely dreadful for Kate), which was thinking she, so often looked down on for her middle-class (millionaire!) upbringing, had the authority to banish such an old and important family from her social circle. And Rose responded like a viper:

Despite her husband’s eccentricities and shortcomings, Kate’s believed to be as masochistically in love with him now as she’s ever been. She’s certainly still in love with one day becoming queen. So when word finally got back to her concerning Will’s latest affair, Kate responded with justifiable fury, which certainly wasn’t helped by William being said to have denied the affair, and even to have laughed in his wife’s face when she confronted him about it. Will, it’s said, soon, however, cracked under pressure and admitted the truth. Kate’s said to have been especially furious since the woman in question was a genuine friend of hers, and practically a next door neighbor. While none among their set question why she ordered William to end the affair, or in any way feel she’s less than completely justified for doing it, her next move raised more than a few eyebrows both among courtiers and Will and Kate’s so called turnip toff set, and likely sparked the chain of events that’s led to what Will&Rose allegedly did in the dark being very much exposed to the light.

For Kate also ordered Will to phase her out, meaning he was to publicly cast out the Marchioness of Cholmondely, and by association also her husband, from their social circle. For the aristocracy, this is an entirely different matter altogether. What Middle Class Kate didn’t realize when she made this ultimatum is that there are certain aristocrats so entrenched within the Court of St. James that no woman within the Royal Family, other than the Queen, can simply have them dislodged from their mutual social circles on a whim. This is certainly the case in regards to the wife of the Lord Great Chamberlain!!!! He’s required by heredity to ceremonially preside over most state occasions in which Her Majesty’s in attendance, and that’s certainly not going to change simply because the Duchess of Cambridge is mad at his wife. Furthermore, the Marquis and Marchioness of Cholmondely are both, by title and lineage, true blue aristos whose families were part of the Monarchy’s inner circle centuries before anyone had even heard of the Middletons, or their socially aspiring daughter, Kate.

Needless to write, Lady Cholmondeley is said to have been infuriated over her banishment, and decided to get even with Kate, and teach her a lesson, by damaging the one thing HRH cares about most: the public perception of her pristine marriage. And, according to well placed rumor, that’s exactly what she did.

This is gossip. I do not know these things. But I stand by my thread AND especially my assertion that attacks on Meghan (in addition to garden variety racism) to explain the rift between Wills and Harry, have ACTUALLY been a smokescreen to hide Harry’s disgust with Wills’ conduct, as a young father of three kids. Harry remembers what his father’s conduct did to his childhood, maybe Wills should as well.

xoxox n

*I have edited this entry to reveal that Royal Foibles is frequently problematic (about MEGHAN, even), and does not have my approval, despite believing this entry to be factual enough to have fun with.