Monday, Let's Hit It
i'm digging this newsletter format.
On a personal note:
My account was hacked/compromised this weekend (it’s now beyond locked down), which as you can imagine, has really reinforced my constant desire to leave social media for a lil while. It’s a wasteland out there (and that’s WELL apart from the Nazis, who are the big problem.) I decided to (as long-term readers will be familiar with) at least temporarily delete my Insta and Twitter accounts. I’ve been really finding doing the newsletter to be more like what I enjoyed about The Toast: a little free-form, a little more of a community, etc. In the wake of my “here is my personal editorializing on the royal scandal” thread, I’ve just been getting a lot of wild/threatening/phishing messages and am also becoming creeped out by other publications referring to me as a (British?) journalist (which I am not, and was literally featured in my Twitter bio) and it’s essentially just much much bigger now than when it was “ooh, my Royals followers will love my theory”, so I’m hoping that sticking to my newsletter and my Slate work will eventually cause that interest to die down. There has been zero way to correct any of the stories referring to me as a source, so I think it’s just going to take some time.
Both in my newsletter and on the original Twitter thread, I was pretty clear I’m a private citizen with no special info (minus receiving hints/stories via email and DM, which are always fun but I wouldn’t bet the farm on them), but this is 2019, things take on a life of their own. At any rate, it’s now officially Too Much. So many horror novels to read!
Is my personal theory correct? Maybe! But it’s not my business and at this point I definitely wish I had not bothered. Remember that I receive replies to the newsletter if you want to get in touch.
At any rate, my dream now is for Meghan, my fav, to have a beautiful baby tomorrow and move the entire dialogue to something new and delicious.
On a galactic note:
TEAMMATES, I loved Endgame (no spoilers here!). It gave me what I wanted, which was JUST enough fan service to be the correct amount, and I refused to eat or drink all morning in preparation, which got me through the 3 hour runtime without a single bathroom break. It was…incredible. It was also a date for me, so I dressed up all cute:
My middle finger ring actually DOES allow me to bend my middle finger, which had been a serious question of mine when I bought it.
Because I’m now feeling down as heck, let’s get some Reddit (and a bonus Ask a Manager) happening, shall we?
I am a nurse and I enjoy the festivities of Nurses Week, celebrated the second week in May. Until I received this official workplace email, suggesting that “ladies” should wear pink and “men” should wear blue to kick off the week.
This email seems creepy and old fashioned, and I admit that I find the use of “ladies” objectionable.
And this morning I learned of a “fun activity” planned for Nurses Week: a baking contest among the nursing staff. I complained to my nurse manager, “Who thought up this bake-off? Do they think all nurses are women, and we belong in the kitchen?” She just laughed and thought the contest was a grand idea.
My workplace has publicly committed to be more inclusive and more sensitive to the needs of women and the LGTBQ community. Unfortunately, my workplace is also hierarchical, conservative, and very traditional – with plenty of folks who would likely favor these fusty ideas.
For the record, I am female and I love working with my diverse and awesome group of coworkers. For Nurses Week, I would prefer to be recognized for my sage contributions as an educated professional, rather than wearing pink and baking a cake. I think even Florence Nightingale (a free thinker and statistician with revolutionary ideas) would barf. If my manager does not mind these affronts, how far should I take this?
I would murder whoever wrote this with my bare hands:
Good hustle, frankly, but y’all need better communication and some premarital therapy:
My fiance and I have been together for three years. we got engaged last october and are very much in love. she is my everything, my best friend, the most loving, kind, brilliant, etc etc person I have ever met. I could go on all day but this is not what this is about.
As we have been beginning planning our wedding over the last few months a major concern has been budget. We are not wealthy, and neither of our families has a lot of money to throw at us (not that we would ask anyhow) and regardless we mutually decided that a budget priority would be saving for a house, rather than an overly extravagant event. About in january we agreed that we would look for and take on some side jobs to get additional cash flow. I started helping out at a local bike garage, and she picked up some WfH jobs in online stuff, fixing up peoples' websites and online stores, which she is very good at.
Then, two days ago, she forgot her cell phone at home while I was on my day off, doing some regular housework. She gchatted me and told me if anyone called to just let it go to voicemail - no problem. But later in the afternoon, I was walking by and her screen lit up from an incoming notification, so I glanced at the phone and saw a couple text notifications from her sister, as well as a venmo of $500 or thereabouts. I presumed it was for one of the clients she had done web work for so I messaged her "just saw you got paiiiid babe nice job" with a money face emoji. she sent some hearts back and I went on with my day. However, when she got home, she seemed very quiet and distant, but I assumed she'd had a hard day at her regular job, and tried to take extra care of her, making dinner, a little extra hugs kisses, etc...and then out of the clear blue evening sky she just says "I have a huge confession to make." my heart jumped a little bit but I tried to keep calm and not over-think anything.
She was visibly shaking and just started spilling everything before I could really respond. She apparently met up with an old high school friend a couple of months ago who is a sex worker, and who suggested trying her hand at Findom. If you're unfamiliar, it is basically making men give you money. Anyhow, she told and showed me how she set up a twitter, fetlife, instagram, and other online accounts, and started looking for subs, or "pigs" as she referred to them. She apparently is quite good at this and has been making somteimes over $1000 a week doing...very little, aside from posting risque photos on her profiles with captions about wanting boys to prove they were rich by sending her money.
I was floored...but also a little proud? She was sobbing and I tried to comfort her as much as I could, just my mind was spinning with everything she told me. She kept repeating that she never did anything explicitly sexual or met anyone in person and I believe her. We have slept separately since then...fortunately our apartment has a full guest room with a good bed so I'm not just couchin' it lol
The last day and a bit has just been me reeling with this...Like I genuinely believe she did this to make money and help us out, but there's the huge breach of trust. We've both been at our regular jobs today and yesterday so haven't had much time to talk. I just feel so exhausted. I tried to look at the twitter she made out of morbid curiosity but she already deleted it.
We both have Tuesday off and we decided we're going to have a serious day together to talk and work through this. How do I prepare myself for the possibility that there's more secret stuff she hasn't told me? How do we move past this and how do I secure myself that she is being honest?
Gonna keep this short. My gf and I, both 25, have traveled extensively through SE Asia in the past 2 years. I love Asian foods and exploring night markets trying different street foods is one of my favorite things.
Last year we had a big blow up while we were in Bangkok at a big night market. I wanted to try a fried soft shell crab and my gf thought it was disgusting and unclean. I said there were tons of people here, including foreigners, and I want to be able to try something. I then wanted some fried squid and snails and she said the same thing. After a while I just said fuck it and ate it anyways because we were there for only one night. She got incredibly upset at me.
We’re going to Hong Kong in two weeks and she brought up last year’s incident. She wants me to promise that I won’t eat anything she considers too gross, unrecognizable, and foreign. I say no and she asks me why I’m being so stubborn over this one thing that bothers her so much. She says it nearly makes her retch watching me put that kind of stuff in my mouth in some street alley. She says it’s the one habit of mine she finds extremely unbearable.
AITA if I just say no and keep eating the things I want? I get that it grosses her out but I feel like she’s being really controlling by making me agree to ask for her “permission” for everything I put in my mouth. It doesn’t help that she’s very picky and consider 50% of Asian foods to be “too gross” anyways. If I went her way we’d be having all of our meals in the hotel.
So my brother recently moved into my grandmother's old house which is next door to my house. His girlfriend owns some 20 something dogs which she decided to bring over here with her and this is where the trouble starts. They have decided to keep them all in 10' x 10' pens with 4 to a pen in the woods which I initially didn't have a problem with until they decided to set up a pen right behind my house in the backyard, right beside where I keep my one dog in much bigger lot, and put 4 puppies inside of there. When I asked my mom why they were putting a pen right there she said it was because they were afraid of the neighbors saying something. We had just gotten two of the puppies out of my own house where my mother was forced to take care of them because my brother wouldn't and now they're sitting in the backyard right outside the window. Well today I went outside and now there are two additional adult dogs along with the puppies. I got angry when I saw this because why are they at my house and not their own? They have plenty of space there to put them but instead they cram 6 dogs into a tiny lot on a hill in my backyard. The dogs look so pitiful there crammed into the lot with only a tiny doghouse and no toys. When I threatened to call animal control both my brother and my mother told me I shouldn't and that I should just keep my mouth. So am I the asshole for wanting to call animal control and report the dogs in my backyard to them?
Edit: His girlfriend claims they're hunting dogs but I haven't seen her training the puppies at all for that
Edit 2: I finally had the time to check on the ones in the woods. They're now 2-3 in a pen with couple doghouses each and food and water but there's still about 20 of them.
MIND YOUR OWN BIDNESS YOU COW:
My son and daughter in law have 3 children, 2 three year olds and an infant. Daughter in law is on maternity leave while my son works full time. My son is a fantastic father who always puts his children first, but unfortunately his wife is not the same way. I recently came to know that my daughter in law leaves the house every single day after my son gets home from work and makes him watch the kids and cook dinner by himself, then she comes back and eats the dinner my son made for her while she was out. Once in a while is fine. Every work day is not fine. I told my daughter in law directly that she is the one staying home, so she should be doing the cooking, cleaning, and child rearing, not dumping the kids off on my son at the first convenient moment. My daughter in law ROLLED HER EYES at me, right in my face, and told me this is why I'm divorced. Then she walked away and refused to speak to me and made my son kick me out. Now she will not let my son speak to me for telling it like it is. Am I an asshole for telling the truth and standing up for my son?
My bf divorced his ex-wife last September. They have three kids together (2, 4, 7 yrs old). I also separated from my own longterm bf of five years around two years ago.
We started dating this January. He's pretty great -- smart, kind, thoughtful, etc. He just moved into my place last week. We're moving very quickly, but then things are excellent between us, except for this one issue: that I make more money than him and his ex-wife combined, and I spend it on us/myself while his kids sometimes go without certain things.
Don't get me wrong, his ex-wife and the kids are far from destitute. They eat three times a day, go to school, go to vacation at their grandparents' houses in the summer, etc etc. But the middle child has a mild learning disorder and they can't afford a therapist for him. The youngest got sick and had to go to a hospital for a week and they owe the hospital money, plus his ex-wife was complaining because she trusts branded more than generic medicines but they couldn't afford the former. The oldest had to leave his school and go to a different one, a bit lower-end compared to his old school, because the ex-wife lost her old job and is getting paid less at her new one.
Meanwhile my bf has never been a big earner (one of the reasons they separated, she always wanted him to make more). He loves what he does and it's honest, dignified work so I'd never ask him to give that up, and fortunately I have a nice job and make enough for both of us. (I just got promoted last year and this is the first time I've been so financially secure! It feels awesome.) I honestly don't mind paying the lion's share of the bills. He contributes what he can after giving to his children, and he's not very high maintenance. He's contented with simple, affordable stuff, from food to clothes to living quarters. Meanwhile, I try to be careful about saving but I also do enjoy spending money on going out, good food, my hobbies, etc. He's very supportive of my interests.
But when we decided to go on a vacation for a long weekend, I wanted to splurge on a good place, and he wanted to go somewhere simpler. I asked why and he said, "Maybe we could go to the cheaper place and the money we would have spent on the pricey resort, I can just use for some of my son's medical bills."
I was taken aback and just said, "oh, um, well let's think about it and put off the vacation for now." But since then he's dropped some other hints in that direction as well. Like when we eat at a nice restaurant, he'll say "Wow this meal would cover an entire therapy session for my son."
To be clear, he is NOT snarky or pushy about it. It just seems to be what he is really thinking. I haven't worked up the nerve to say it, but I honestly don't want to spend money on his kids. I see them on weekends when he has them and I enjoy their company, they're adorable and sweet, but it's not like they're starving or anything. I work hard and I want to spend my money to live my own life. I worry that I'm being selfish and shortsighted, which is also partly why I've not raised the issue with him yet.
Am I wrong? Is he? What middle ground can we find? How should I talk to him?
TLDR: On their own income, my bf and his ex-wife can't afford to give their kids everything they want to. I make more money than both combined and he's hinted that I might want to use some of the money I spend on our "extras" (restaurants, vacations, etc) to help pay for some of his kids' costs.
EDIT: Just to clarify I'm not rich or anything, and when I say "pricey resort or restaurant" I'm NOT talking Cabo and kobe steaks. He's in a human rights advocacy group, that's why he's paid so little, but the work they do is impressive. I work in a tech firm and just got promoted. His ex-wife is admin staff in a gov't office. They're not close, still some lingering bad blood, but generally amicable and they both love the kids. She lives about three hours away (moved there for her new job right around the time they separated).
this is a BIG age gap, trouble afoot, but also it reminds me of when my dad figured out that my husband (then boyfriend) was 14 years older than me, and said “well, I guess I can’t exactly say anything about it,” because his lovely, funny, smart, girlfriend (now wife) was 30 years younger than him:
I am currently very happy in my relationship. We are living together, and things are wonderful... Except for the fact that I simply cannot bring myself to tell my parents about my boyfriend. They know him, but they don't know we are together. I have mentioned to my mom that I liked him, just to feel her out, and she has blatantly told me that he is too old for me. However, she does admit that he is a nice guy, and would be very good for me if not for his age.
Now I'm in this secret, serious relationship. I really think he may be the one. It's causing some strain on our relationship that it has to be so secretive. He feels like I'm ashamed of him, but that's not it at all. My mom and I are not getting along very well right now (I got a tattoo, and it seems to have negatively impacted her entire opinion of me. She didn't speak to me for weeks, and we usually talk every day. We used to be very close, and now things feel different). I'm afraid that adding the news of my relationship to it will send her over the edge.
Basically, I feel like I have to choose between my parents and my future husband, and it's causing me lots of emotional stress. I know I have to tell them eventually, but I want to do it at the right time and in the right way so as to minimize the upset that is sure to follow. Any advice on ways to break this news to my parents? I don't really want to take the "fuck it, I'm an adult and don't care what my parents think" approach. I respect them, and I value their opinions, and I don't want to ruin my relationship with them.
This is so cool! When you turn 100 in Barbados, you get a stamp in your honor:
Love you all, xoxox N
Was so afraid your Twitter absence was due to the little one being sick, took me a couple days to check because I was scared to know. I hope we get you back over there but I totally understand!
Read your W K thread, decided to go for your newsletter. Hope all gets smoothed out