I Live In A House of Pure Chaos

I regret all my life choices.

Beauregard continues to model appropriate physical distancing. A legend. A beacon in dark times.

I attempted to do some remote learning with my children yesterday! It was objectively hilarious. We watched a math video. I think that’s great for one day.

I did learn that one of my children’s classmates has a dad who is a professional race car driver and now I am FURIOUS that my child didn’t alert me to this. I want to flirt with a Race Car Dad! Sadly, Utah moms are all extremely hot and put-together so you have to really work at it to make an impression. Also I am just a shameless, shameless flirt and have been my entire life, it doesn’t mean anything, go ahead and flirt a little with someone today. Pick someone in the comments, maybe.


This UK rugby commentator stuck commenting on…normal life…is giving me a second wind:


Of course he did, because Boris Johnson is a fucking niiiiiightmare person:

Addressing an audience at Lloyd’s in London, Johnson said:

The real hero of Jaws is the mayor. A gigantic fish is eating all your constituents and he decides to keep the beaches open. OK, in that instance he was actually wrong. But in principle, we need more politicians like the Mayor. We are often the only obstacle against all the nonsense which is really a massive conspiracy against the taxpayer.

For those that need reminding, Mayor Vaughn is the antagonist in Steven Spielberg’s 1975 masterpiece, Jaws. This is a man who puts profit over safety to the last and insists that business will operate as usual over the early July bank holiday weekend on beaches under attack by a great white shark.


I have watched this prairie dog (?) stabilizing himself at least eighty times today. He’s like a furry Slinky.


oh boy:

If you were our boss, would you want to know this or I should I ignore it?

I have a coworker who has a sick kid. He frequently needs to take time off. My other coworkers and my boss and I are always understanding. We have done his work when he is off, our boss advocates for his time off to be paid, and whenever he has asked my coworkers and I have donated our own PTO to him.

I think he may be lying about having a child at all. On social media he was suggested as someone I might know. The first name and photo were him. Parts of the profile are public. On some days when he said he was off for the child, he is in photos by a pool. A week he was off for the child having surgery, he was vacationing in another province even though he said the surgery was happening here. In a few comments to others, he said he wants to be a father “one day.”

Sometimes if someone asks him how his child is doing, he will show them a picture on his phone, especially if he has just got back from being off. He says it is his kid. But there are no pictures or mentions of the kid anywhere on his social media. The photos of the child are from an ad campaign for fundraising for our hospital, and in the ads the child has a different name than his. At first I thought the name was changed in the ad campaign for privacy reasons, but given everything else I have learned, it has made me question things. He shows those pictures once in a while at work, telling us it is his kid.

Now there could be an explanation, and normally I would say it’s none of my business. But since he asks for us to donate our PTO and money to him and is being paid for all this time even though he normally wouldn’t be, I think our employer needs to know.


One of my group texts asked “what exciting new kinks and fetishes are we discovering in quarantine?” and my answer was “the same ones, just, you know, more of it”, but if you have any new ones you want to share or recommend, please feel free.


I don’t know why I am so delighted by r/TVTooHigh but I AM:


My friend Ari Ne’eman wrote this wonderful piece in the NYTimes yesterday:

Times of crisis ask us who we are as a country. As hospitals prepare for shortages in ventilators and other scarce medical resources, many people with disabilities are worried about the answer to that question.

In Italy, doctors are already rationing access to care on the basis of age and disability. The Washington Post reports that many states are considering how to implement similar rationing measures here. Though almost everyone would agree doctors may deny care that is unlikely to benefit a patient, there may soon be too many patients in urgent need of lifesaving treatment and too few resources to treat them all.

When that happens, some are proposing to send the disabled to the back of the line. States across the country are looking to their Crisis Standards of Care plans — documents that explain how medical care changes amid the shortages of an unprecedented catastrophe. While each is different, many have a concerning common attribute: When there isn’t enough lifesaving care to go around, those who need more than others may be in trouble.

Some plans single out particularly severe conditions, like Alabama’s decision that people with severe or profound intellectual disability “are unlikely candidates for ventilator support” or Tennessee’s listing people with spinal muscular atrophy who need assistance with activities of daily living among those excluded from critical care.


a baby cuddling with a puppy in a rocking seat


For the morbid among us, I have been very into Wikipedia’s list of murder convictions without a body (I should not really need to tell you this but there are a lot of horrible things at that link).

They can still get you! Don’t think just because you wood-chippered someone and then wood-chippered your wood-chipper that they won’t catch you. Please do not do any murders, generally. Also many of these people were found not to have done it far too late, which is also extremely bad. This is one of the many reasons the death penalty is bad.


An absolute unit of a chin:


If you are not yet playing Tic-Tac-Toe with your animals, that time will come. It is already nigh.


MUSIC:

Hardcore college flashback:

Stars video the first:

Stars video the second (I got into this when I worked in a very tall building in Times Square and walked home every night to Thompson St):

Jens Lekman is a BOP:

Emma Kirkby doing my favourite piece of Purcell (I used to love to sing this, I used to be in a very prestigious Canadian youth choir but have an essentially thin voice and it’s not the same):

I also was once able to sing the soprano part in this, it’s a bananas complex harmony piece but it sounds amazing when you finally get it together:

This is my favourite thing I have ever sung:

I always burst into tears when the old Greek lady does her thing on “OH YEEAAAAAAAH” (Danny and I watched this when he was recovering from top surgery and it’s a lovely homey friend-y memory for me):

okay a LITTLE more Mamma Mia:

If you haven’t chosen this time to watch or rewatch “Muriel’s Wedding” it’s probably time (my best friend is Australian and it always makes me feel close to her even when we can’t be together):

“Tougher Than The Rest” is an all-timer:

But I like “Brilliant Disguise” even more:

I have a classic boner for the dude from The National, here are some personal choices:

He’s so daddy here:

“Slow Show” is so intimate and great:

If you only know it from “Hot Fuzz”, please enjoy:

I can play my favourite song as much as I want, it’s my free newsletter, and the song is what I call my glorious breasts:

This is basically my next-favourite song:

When they let Kether show off her voice on “You’re the Worst” I SCREAMED (Kate Bush content incoming):

Alabama Shakes:

Daft Punk Is Playing At YOUR HOUSE:

I guess we could also listen to actual Daft Punk, this was the song of the summer for a reason:

Queen is always the right choice:

What are you? Heroes.


What a time. What a place (your house or your essential business). How are you coping so well? You may think you are coping badly, but I assure you, you are doing your very very best. I can tell. It’s very clear. Maybe you are wearing a bra or something. That’s incredible. I am seriously considering a Netflix Party so we can watch a movie together? Is that a good idea? I miss you. I love you. You’re fantastic. All of your high school enemies wish they were you. Mister Rogers thinks you’re very special and so do I.

love,

nicky