Come for the cursed jewelry, stay for the Sansa sighting and extremely reasonable pet-ownership advice, which this veterinary professional thanks you for.
I just dropped my spouse off yesterday morning for a 20-to-30-day stay at an eating disorder center. I was totally freaked out by the idea of a residence during COVID but the people who run it seem on top of their shit so I'm less concerned now about that. My spouse needs it, so I'm over it. I'm kind of freaked about the long-term work that this is going to be; we'd already been in couples counseling for some other things. Not that I can't handle putting the work in, but it just feels like so much and life has already been bonkers.
The house feels so weird to be alone with the dog in. I think the dog misses my spouse quite badly but maybe I'm projecting? Probably both.
Sending you both so much love. If you can email me your mailing address I will send a non-food-based care package. I’m more likely to see it if it goes to Nicole dot cliffe at gmail than in replies to the newsletter email.
I'm worried that I'll email bomb all of you who replied if I reply individually, so a blanket thank you to all of you who posted for all the support! It really helped me feel like we're doing the best thing.
You're both in my thoughts, and I want you to know that a friend's daughter works at an in-patient ED clinic, and she and the other staff voluntarily quarantined with their patients. The ED community knows how difficult this time is, and they really want to be there for those in and out of treatment. I hope that this can lead to healing for your spouse and for you too. Lots of love and support.
I have an ED that is managed at the moment. Now is an excellent time to seek treatment because you can hunker down and focus. Sending good vibes to you both.
How brave of you both! I know they will need extra support and love for the long haul. I have heard from a friend that an eating disorder doesn’t really have a cure—it can go into remission, but takes daily work, prevention, grace, and patience. We can’t really pick and choose which hardships befall us in life, but we can always choose each other. 💓
Oh my word, that mom of the 5-month-old child. Her MIL is a horrible person, her husband needs to step the fuck up (how did he let his mother go to court to get custody?), and your advice was spot on. I hope she finds her inner strength because she needs every ounce of it with these adversarial people in her life.
Right?? The stress I felt reading through her story, my god. I always joke that I am the worst combination of heritages for anger (half-Italian: quick to anger, half-Irish: can hold a grudge forever) but I would refuse to let my mother-in-law watch my child for far less of an infraction than this.
I really, really hope she is able to figure this out without having to get lawyers too involved, but I agree with Nicole that the grandmother in this scenario feels like she would try everything to prevent her from cutting off access to the kid. What a terrible situation for all involved.
Hi! I hope everyone is doing well. I just learned that my mother's coworker has tested positive for Covid-19 and while I'm proud of her for continuing to work at the homeless shelter during this time I am also scared. My mother is 68 and in very good health however she is also a person who believes the herbal supplements she is taking will protect her so it is sometimes difficult to feel like she really appreciates the seriousness of this situation. I realized this morning that it is her life and she gets to choose how to risk it. I'm trying not to think about how scared I'll be if she does get sick since I don't live anywhere near her and I doubt my brother or sister will be able to keep me adequately updated in the advent of her having to be hospitalized (I am an anxious eldest child and my siblings are a little more relaxed). But I'm trying to keep it together and breathe. A lot of people are sending their loved ones out into this nightmare, I am not special in my fear. It comes in waves and it is awful. Hugs to everyone who is going through something similar.
Lots of love and hugs and this may not help but even parents who know exactly how serious this is will still make their own choices and have to live with them. My dad is a veterinary epidemiologist, so more used to anthrax outbreaks than this pandemic but he’s also a moderator on a forum for emerging diseases that was written up in Wired for catching reports of such things before others. So you’d think he’d know better than to be going to the grocery store and other errands near daily. And you’d be wrong. He’s 84, I worry not just about him but anyone he could infect if he’s asymptomatic. We had a fight over his refusing to stop taking communion and as much as I dislike the Catholic Church hierarchy I’m really grateful they just shut down mass so all of us could stop having those fights with our parents. I wish I had the magic formula to get your mom to listen, but three years living with my elderly parents and seeing a great therapist has taught me that all you can do is lay out the facts, why it’s important to you, including how it will make you feel if they follow your advice and if they don’t, and then accept their decision. You are allowed to use less than mature communication techniques if you know your parents will bend to them. Your mom might not listen to reason, but she might listen to guilt inducing over how she’d feel if she infected someone else. But she might not. Trying to parent your parents is frustrating and hard at the best of times. Be kind to yourself and know that you mom’s life is hers to control, not yours, and you will never be to blame for her choices. And maybe be the eldest and make your siblings step up, I’m an only child so I have no clue how to wrangle siblings but god do I wish I had even less than useful ones who’d at least help keep an eye on my folks. Truly, this is hard, lots of us are struggling with it, and I wish we could all go get a drink and moan about our stubborn parents. ❤️
I hope your mother remains well and able to continue her work.
And may the people who make absurd money by peddling herbal supplements/essential oils/etc. with bogus claims about what they can do forever step on legos.
Oh nooo. I am so so sorry you are going through this! It doesn’t matter if “you’re not special” in this fear - we are allowed to be scared for our loved ones even if lots of people are having the same problems right now!
My Mom is a radiology tech and breast cancer survivor and was confirmed exposed at work too. Hopes up for both of them and all the other workers out there - sounds like you're doing a GREAT job staying present and limiting worry about things you can't control; excellent and you should give yourself a smol treat.
Everything is so hard. I'm happily medicated for clinical depression but I am NOT BUILT for isolation. I am in grad school and have assignments do and lack the motivation to do anything and despite hefty lexapro I am crying every stupid day and cannot keep a normal wake/sleep schedule. I genuinely miss striking up conversations with strangers, and talking to people I barely know, and having unscheduled conversations with people I do know. I am painfully extroverted and this is just SO HARD!
Also, Nicole, you look stunning. I have had a new years resolution for the past 5+ years to learn how to wear fake eyelashes and now that the scientists TM have invented magnetic ones I put on falsies and a bold red lip to use my neighbor's printer on Tuesday and it was the goddamn prettiest I've been in months.
So, I'm less than one year divorced and just realized the other night that I may have missed the window for casual dating. Like, when will we be able to kiss again without a ridiculous amount of trust and commitment ahead of time??
THE VERY NEXT DAY, I got a facebook message from my ex-husband's girlfriend's ex-husband (I do not know this man) saying that, since our exes are having our respective kids all hang out and have sleepovers, our four households are now sharing collective germs. Would I like to go for a walk, or get coffee and get to know each other?
I decided sure why not. Let's promenade. I also can't quit laughing about how the fact of me and the girlfriend's ex having coffee will make my ex-husband's head short-circuit a little.
Oh for sure. I'm kind of curious to see what he's like - if she picked my ex (yikes) after this guy, I am totally fascinated to see what there is to see.
Nicole, I could easily add horses to my list of special interests. Please keep the pony content coming (although tbh I enjoy every newsletter)!
I'm currently pricing tiny houses from afar and, welp, looks like my budget is more in the skoolie / caravan conversion line. I can't build, so I have to buy. Some people are doing gorgeous work with, guess what, horse trailers, so maybe I will have more in common with ponies than I ever imagined!
If you want advice on campervan conversions/tiny house building, I have lived in my 1991 Chevy G30 for two years now! All summer and through the Canadian winter. My van's name is Baleine and I love her. Feel free to send an email through my substack - danampica at gmail dot com or shinyobjects.substack.com. I love to talk about my van conversion, so send a line if you like!
I keep thinking about this poor mom dealing with her MiL, the wannabe baby thief.
If she and her husband don't come together and cut her out of their lives, OP is going to live in fear. When the kiddo falls off the porch and breaks his arm, she'll worry that it's more fuel for an eventual case against her.
Additionally, what the hell was MiL doing trying to take custody when her son was a healthy, present parent? That's the biggest red flag for me. She wants that baby regardless of the ACTUAL circumstances.
My current favorite outfit is a white giant sweatshirt that says WILD ALOOF REBEL that I got on Etsy, black leggings and woolly socks. Last week was awful and this week I'm back home, alone in my apartment and that's sometimes ok and sometimes hard.
I just CANNOT with that poor lady's mother-in-law!!! Between her and grammar Dad last week I am going to spend my refunded Skymiles on fighting people's parents when the country opens up again.
A rough week here too. No foals nor nakedness on zoom calls, but just emotionally draining for no reason besides the current realities of life. I almost cried the other night when I let myself dream for just a moment that a year from now, we could have a vaccine for the 'Rona and a brand-new president.
I just have to add that your newsletters and columns (and Danny Lavery's, too!) are such bright spots in my week. The vulnerability, humor and insight you both share is so, so important to me, especially during this time, and I'm very grateful. <3
That novel sounds incredible and I may pick it up. Outfit: today I'm wearing double denim (light blue jeans, dark blue linen tee, getting-faded-dark blue denim jacket). I may start sashiko embroidering on the jacket because yesterday I had to DRIVE INTO MANHATTAN. If there was ever a time for a rookie driver who had to take the exam seven times over ten years before passing to drive into Manhattan, now's the time - the streets were emptier than I've ever seen, but the whole rigmarole still involved me scraping my wheels against the Holland Tunnel and TURNING ONTO THE ONCOMING TRAFFIC LANE. I'm a disaster. Anyway I snapped and ordered embroidery supplies after that.
Someone is going to have to explain to me why it's on the table that "East Goes West" is more dated than "Oriental Yankee," lol.
Your column was ... a lot. That poor woman, and what is going on with her husband? He "sided" with her while she was in the hospital but now he's making her take on all the conflict, it sounds like? Ugh.
HORSIES (I’m sorry I apparently turn into a small excited child when I see them - I had riding lessons for a year as an adult (before that I um, was a ballet dancing child not allowed to horse ride) and I loved it mostly (the instructor not so much) and it helped with my CPTSD.
I continue to get ballet back (anorexia had meant I had to stop) and now also miss my foam roller. And apparently I still hate battements.
Much love and thank you for this space. (Also I dressed up and wore the Princess Meghan Supported/Co-Designed Dress and my femme girly girl bi heart was very happy)
This week I had the most satisfyingly cathartic dream: my high school best friend (who ended our friendship senior year with no real sense as to why--something that has haunted me for years) and I were in some weird/cool dream that was kind of stylish and just fun and who knows what we did at this point, but in the dream, we had the chance to talk it out and I forgave her. And I woke up feeling fundamentally healed.
This newsletter was a very cherished pick me up on a physically exhausting work day. Thank you as ever, and also I'm so glad your well-ish. I was getting close to emailing to make sure you were okay. So, Nicky, thank you for modeling boundaries, for sharing such good things, for loving horses, and for just being you.
Here is the DIRECT LINK, please do share and also say nice things in the FB comments bc everyone on FB is a monster person who will hate me: https://www.facebook.com/21516776437/videos/810756199408856/
Come for the cursed jewelry, stay for the Sansa sighting and extremely reasonable pet-ownership advice, which this veterinary professional thanks you for.
Nicole Kidman but plain! Chasing that dragon! Yes!
I'm only at the warm up banter and I'm loving it Boo Radley and all
I just dropped my spouse off yesterday morning for a 20-to-30-day stay at an eating disorder center. I was totally freaked out by the idea of a residence during COVID but the people who run it seem on top of their shit so I'm less concerned now about that. My spouse needs it, so I'm over it. I'm kind of freaked about the long-term work that this is going to be; we'd already been in couples counseling for some other things. Not that I can't handle putting the work in, but it just feels like so much and life has already been bonkers.
The house feels so weird to be alone with the dog in. I think the dog misses my spouse quite badly but maybe I'm projecting? Probably both.
Sending you both so much love. If you can email me your mailing address I will send a non-food-based care package. I’m more likely to see it if it goes to Nicole dot cliffe at gmail than in replies to the newsletter email.
I'm worried that I'll email bomb all of you who replied if I reply individually, so a blanket thank you to all of you who posted for all the support! It really helped me feel like we're doing the best thing.
You're both in my thoughts, and I want you to know that a friend's daughter works at an in-patient ED clinic, and she and the other staff voluntarily quarantined with their patients. The ED community knows how difficult this time is, and they really want to be there for those in and out of treatment. I hope that this can lead to healing for your spouse and for you too. Lots of love and support.
this is wonderful <3
I have an ED that is managed at the moment. Now is an excellent time to seek treatment because you can hunker down and focus. Sending good vibes to you both.
How brave of you both! I know they will need extra support and love for the long haul. I have heard from a friend that an eating disorder doesn’t really have a cure—it can go into remission, but takes daily work, prevention, grace, and patience. We can’t really pick and choose which hardships befall us in life, but we can always choose each other. 💓
Oh my word, that mom of the 5-month-old child. Her MIL is a horrible person, her husband needs to step the fuck up (how did he let his mother go to court to get custody?), and your advice was spot on. I hope she finds her inner strength because she needs every ounce of it with these adversarial people in her life.
Right?? The stress I felt reading through her story, my god. I always joke that I am the worst combination of heritages for anger (half-Italian: quick to anger, half-Irish: can hold a grudge forever) but I would refuse to let my mother-in-law watch my child for far less of an infraction than this.
I really, really hope she is able to figure this out without having to get lawyers too involved, but I agree with Nicole that the grandmother in this scenario feels like she would try everything to prevent her from cutting off access to the kid. What a terrible situation for all involved.
Hi! I hope everyone is doing well. I just learned that my mother's coworker has tested positive for Covid-19 and while I'm proud of her for continuing to work at the homeless shelter during this time I am also scared. My mother is 68 and in very good health however she is also a person who believes the herbal supplements she is taking will protect her so it is sometimes difficult to feel like she really appreciates the seriousness of this situation. I realized this morning that it is her life and she gets to choose how to risk it. I'm trying not to think about how scared I'll be if she does get sick since I don't live anywhere near her and I doubt my brother or sister will be able to keep me adequately updated in the advent of her having to be hospitalized (I am an anxious eldest child and my siblings are a little more relaxed). But I'm trying to keep it together and breathe. A lot of people are sending their loved ones out into this nightmare, I am not special in my fear. It comes in waves and it is awful. Hugs to everyone who is going through something similar.
Lots of love and hugs and this may not help but even parents who know exactly how serious this is will still make their own choices and have to live with them. My dad is a veterinary epidemiologist, so more used to anthrax outbreaks than this pandemic but he’s also a moderator on a forum for emerging diseases that was written up in Wired for catching reports of such things before others. So you’d think he’d know better than to be going to the grocery store and other errands near daily. And you’d be wrong. He’s 84, I worry not just about him but anyone he could infect if he’s asymptomatic. We had a fight over his refusing to stop taking communion and as much as I dislike the Catholic Church hierarchy I’m really grateful they just shut down mass so all of us could stop having those fights with our parents. I wish I had the magic formula to get your mom to listen, but three years living with my elderly parents and seeing a great therapist has taught me that all you can do is lay out the facts, why it’s important to you, including how it will make you feel if they follow your advice and if they don’t, and then accept their decision. You are allowed to use less than mature communication techniques if you know your parents will bend to them. Your mom might not listen to reason, but she might listen to guilt inducing over how she’d feel if she infected someone else. But she might not. Trying to parent your parents is frustrating and hard at the best of times. Be kind to yourself and know that you mom’s life is hers to control, not yours, and you will never be to blame for her choices. And maybe be the eldest and make your siblings step up, I’m an only child so I have no clue how to wrangle siblings but god do I wish I had even less than useful ones who’d at least help keep an eye on my folks. Truly, this is hard, lots of us are struggling with it, and I wish we could all go get a drink and moan about our stubborn parents. ❤️
I hope your mother remains well and able to continue her work.
And may the people who make absurd money by peddling herbal supplements/essential oils/etc. with bogus claims about what they can do forever step on legos.
YUP. I saw a wannabe influencer on insta suggesting OLIVE OIL to build immunity of all things. Like?? Ok?? Has she seen the news out of Italy???
Oh nooo. I am so so sorry you are going through this! It doesn’t matter if “you’re not special” in this fear - we are allowed to be scared for our loved ones even if lots of people are having the same problems right now!
My Mom is a radiology tech and breast cancer survivor and was confirmed exposed at work too. Hopes up for both of them and all the other workers out there - sounds like you're doing a GREAT job staying present and limiting worry about things you can't control; excellent and you should give yourself a smol treat.
Everything is so hard. I'm happily medicated for clinical depression but I am NOT BUILT for isolation. I am in grad school and have assignments do and lack the motivation to do anything and despite hefty lexapro I am crying every stupid day and cannot keep a normal wake/sleep schedule. I genuinely miss striking up conversations with strangers, and talking to people I barely know, and having unscheduled conversations with people I do know. I am painfully extroverted and this is just SO HARD!
Also, Nicole, you look stunning. I have had a new years resolution for the past 5+ years to learn how to wear fake eyelashes and now that the scientists TM have invented magnetic ones I put on falsies and a bold red lip to use my neighbor's printer on Tuesday and it was the goddamn prettiest I've been in months.
I CANT EVEN SPELL THE RIGHT DUE ANYMORE GUYSE!
So, I'm less than one year divorced and just realized the other night that I may have missed the window for casual dating. Like, when will we be able to kiss again without a ridiculous amount of trust and commitment ahead of time??
THE VERY NEXT DAY, I got a facebook message from my ex-husband's girlfriend's ex-husband (I do not know this man) saying that, since our exes are having our respective kids all hang out and have sleepovers, our four households are now sharing collective germs. Would I like to go for a walk, or get coffee and get to know each other?
Coronavirus just gets weirder and weirder, man.
Oof just OOF what a bold horny move this man is making1!!! 1! He clearly did his own 'how long am i gonna be single during this lockdown' math
My brain absolutely never would have been like "My pool of single adults is now to limited to... WAIT ONE MINUTE!" but he sure did.
What the actual WHAT?
But also, maybe a romcom
-Human about to start dating and then...well
Speaking as a single man, I can only admire this guy's chutzpah and contagion calculations.
I have honestly not stopped chuckling about this since getting the message.
I decided sure why not. Let's promenade. I also can't quit laughing about how the fact of me and the girlfriend's ex having coffee will make my ex-husband's head short-circuit a little.
JODIE!!!!
This is like r/relationships but *your life.* Will you please give your fans an update again once you have promenade-d??
Oh for sure. I'm kind of curious to see what he's like - if she picked my ex (yikes) after this guy, I am totally fascinated to see what there is to see.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Yes please - so here for this update as someone who also maybe missed the casual dating window!!
Nicole, I could easily add horses to my list of special interests. Please keep the pony content coming (although tbh I enjoy every newsletter)!
I'm currently pricing tiny houses from afar and, welp, looks like my budget is more in the skoolie / caravan conversion line. I can't build, so I have to buy. Some people are doing gorgeous work with, guess what, horse trailers, so maybe I will have more in common with ponies than I ever imagined!
Hope you and loved ones are all doing ok.
If you want advice on campervan conversions/tiny house building, I have lived in my 1991 Chevy G30 for two years now! All summer and through the Canadian winter. My van's name is Baleine and I love her. Feel free to send an email through my substack - danampica at gmail dot com or shinyobjects.substack.com. I love to talk about my van conversion, so send a line if you like!
I keep thinking about this poor mom dealing with her MiL, the wannabe baby thief.
If she and her husband don't come together and cut her out of their lives, OP is going to live in fear. When the kiddo falls off the porch and breaks his arm, she'll worry that it's more fuel for an eventual case against her.
Additionally, what the hell was MiL doing trying to take custody when her son was a healthy, present parent? That's the biggest red flag for me. She wants that baby regardless of the ACTUAL circumstances.
My current favorite outfit is a white giant sweatshirt that says WILD ALOOF REBEL that I got on Etsy, black leggings and woolly socks. Last week was awful and this week I'm back home, alone in my apartment and that's sometimes ok and sometimes hard.
David Rose is that you?
I just CANNOT with that poor lady's mother-in-law!!! Between her and grammar Dad last week I am going to spend my refunded Skymiles on fighting people's parents when the country opens up again.
A rough week here too. No foals nor nakedness on zoom calls, but just emotionally draining for no reason besides the current realities of life. I almost cried the other night when I let myself dream for just a moment that a year from now, we could have a vaccine for the 'Rona and a brand-new president.
I just have to add that your newsletters and columns (and Danny Lavery's, too!) are such bright spots in my week. The vulnerability, humor and insight you both share is so, so important to me, especially during this time, and I'm very grateful. <3
That novel sounds incredible and I may pick it up. Outfit: today I'm wearing double denim (light blue jeans, dark blue linen tee, getting-faded-dark blue denim jacket). I may start sashiko embroidering on the jacket because yesterday I had to DRIVE INTO MANHATTAN. If there was ever a time for a rookie driver who had to take the exam seven times over ten years before passing to drive into Manhattan, now's the time - the streets were emptier than I've ever seen, but the whole rigmarole still involved me scraping my wheels against the Holland Tunnel and TURNING ONTO THE ONCOMING TRAFFIC LANE. I'm a disaster. Anyway I snapped and ordered embroidery supplies after that.
In Canada, we call that a Canadian tuxedo
where did you buy the sashiko supplies from?
This article is a good resource! https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/07/sashiko-perfect-cheap-hobby-break-phone-addiction.html
Look for an “Olympus sashiko sampler” on Etsy—they come pre-printed!
Someone is going to have to explain to me why it's on the table that "East Goes West" is more dated than "Oriental Yankee," lol.
Your column was ... a lot. That poor woman, and what is going on with her husband? He "sided" with her while she was in the hospital but now he's making her take on all the conflict, it sounds like? Ugh.
HORSIES (I’m sorry I apparently turn into a small excited child when I see them - I had riding lessons for a year as an adult (before that I um, was a ballet dancing child not allowed to horse ride) and I loved it mostly (the instructor not so much) and it helped with my CPTSD.
I continue to get ballet back (anorexia had meant I had to stop) and now also miss my foam roller. And apparently I still hate battements.
Much love and thank you for this space. (Also I dressed up and wore the Princess Meghan Supported/Co-Designed Dress and my femme girly girl bi heart was very happy)
This week I had the most satisfyingly cathartic dream: my high school best friend (who ended our friendship senior year with no real sense as to why--something that has haunted me for years) and I were in some weird/cool dream that was kind of stylish and just fun and who knows what we did at this point, but in the dream, we had the chance to talk it out and I forgave her. And I woke up feeling fundamentally healed.
This newsletter was a very cherished pick me up on a physically exhausting work day. Thank you as ever, and also I'm so glad your well-ish. I was getting close to emailing to make sure you were okay. So, Nicky, thank you for modeling boundaries, for sharing such good things, for loving horses, and for just being you.
I love this journey for you. You are letting yourself let move on dot org!!
I love it for me, too! <3
I figure it would make you happy that my wife and I were both cooing over your excellent skin and taste in haunted jewelry.
SO HAPPY
Also your voice