Thank you, so much, so very much, for your many emails of condolence about Rachel Held Evans (and fuck you, so much, to the small handful of weirdos who needed to tell me she is in hell.) I have been walking and praying and reading and just feeling my feelings. I want to do better. I want to be better. And braver. I am particularly grateful for the emails I have received from atheists, agnostics, Muslims, Hindus, Jewish people, SO many pagans, and those who had strong doctrinal differences with RHE but mourn with us today just the same. And all of the tributes from men and women I respect have been tremendous:
Because Rachel was not angry, they listened to to her. When I was angry and said the same things as she did, they learned to listen to my anger. Because, when we spoke, she listened to my anger and took it seriously, they, too, listened to my anger. Because she was not afraid of my anger, they grew were less afraid of it, finally able to hear the why behind my anger.
“Anger is a sin,” my mother would say, over and over. “It means you’re rebelling against God’s will, that you think you know better than him.”
I was angry. And I didn’t think that I was wrong to be angry--the reasons I was angry were all embedded in truths I believed because they had been taught to me by the same authorities I was angry with. I was angry that the values they instilled in me were values that they were willing to discard easily in private. I was angry that the values that required an emotional toll to uphold were values that they preached every Sunday and felt nothing for on Monday.
“I think this book is important,” I said to my husband. “I think we need to give a copy to your parents so they understand why we’re so upset about Sovereign Grace and the blogs.”
Her book had a title that would age badly, but the idea behind it was familiar: outgrowing the ideas you used to believe firmly in, while staying in the same place that gave you those ideas. She wrote about the slow unraveling, the feeling of needing to burst out of confining ideas, the feeling of commitment to and love for the people who still held to those ideas with a white-knuckled grip.
Again, due to my habit of pre-scheduling, the next thing in this newsletter is a recommendation of a horror novel I wrote over the weekend (the recommendation, not the novel). I don’t think Rachel would mind. She had a wonderful sense of humor.
WHY did none of you tell me about Caitlín Kiernan until one of you (THANK YOU) did? I read her novel (her VERY SCARY NOVEL) The Red Tree over the weekend and then bought like six more of her books and also SHE seems incredibly interesting?? Like, if you could have coffee with a list of six strangers and one of them was an Irish trans lesbian who writes unpigeonhole-able books and short stories, it’s not much of a choice, right?)
The cover art on this edition sucks but holy SHIT it’s like Shirley Jackson wrote a book with Cthulhu or something. What does the publisher refer to it as? I would be hardpressed to categorize it, so I’m grateful that’s their literal job:
Sarah Crowe left Atlanta—and the remnants of a tumultuous relationship—to live in an old house in rural Rhode Island. Within its walls she discovers an unfinished manuscript written by the house’s former tenant—an anthropologist obsessed with the ancient oak growing on a desolate corner of the property.
Tied to local legends of supernatural magic, as well as documented accidents and murders, the gnarled tree takes root in Sarah’s imagination, prompting her to write her own account of its unsavory history.
And as the oak continues to possess her dreams and nearly almost all her waking thoughts, Sarah risks her health and her sanity to unearth a revelation planted centuries ago…
It’s so good.
Featured Pet! Featured Pet! Featured Pet!
Today, we are blessed, absolutely blessed by Oswin, a six-year-old pug of great magnificence, whose human companion Ruth was forced, absolutely forced, to send me all of her Halloween costumes:
Queen Elizabeth I:
Cleopatra:
Joan of Arc:
Rosie the Riveter:
I Dream of Jeannie:
Marie Antoinette:
My day has been BRIGHTENED. Thank you, Ruth. Thank you, Oswin.
Tomorrow, I’ll be doing an afternoon post for subscribers to try out our new “thread” option, I’ve picked a piece of reader advice as a logical opportunity for subscribers to weigh in. Let’s see how it looks! Again, they are absolutely working on making this an option for all readers.
Listen to Captain Awkward (I mean, that’s always your best bet, honestly, she’s amazing):
I think I really nailed my answers in my column this week (I have the exact opposite of imposter syndrome, as I have stated in the past), but I REALLY want this woman to wait longer to remarry (wedding currently set for the fall, one year after the divorce, he proposed within four months of dating, her 14-year-old is wigged out):
You are remarrying very quickly. Would it make a difference to your daughter were you to ask her if a spring wedding would allay some of her concerns? Is that something you would be prepared to do? Is it something your fiancé would be open to? A man who proposes within four months is a very particular kind of man, and I would be more comfortable with him knowing that he is prepared to spend a little more time being engaged, living together, becoming acquainted with each other’s preferred breakfast rituals and sports teams and holiday traditions.
Give it some thought. You’ve been unhappily married for so long; a longer happy engagement is nothing to sniff at.
I am, as you of course know, utterly delighted by the safe arrival of Baby Sussex (more accurately, the Earl of Dumbarton), and even more excited by the tremendously adorable reaction by Harry, the cutest new father in a long time. He thanks the HORSES. He makes a head exploding gesture to emphasize the incredible achievement of Meghan giving birth. My heart is full for them. And I’m especially glad that they’re still tucked up happily in Frogmore Cottage, with Doria (who I ADORE) and taking this extra time to be a new little family before Meghan has to haul her mesh underwear and gargantuan pad and get a blowout and appear for pictures. I have always felt so bad for Kate, having to do that on day one, but you cannot deny that Kate has always done what is expected of her, and what’s expected when you bear an heir (as opposed to a spare) is a lot more complicated. Love to Harry and Meghan, can’t wait to see what name they pick. I hear great things about “Nicholas,” which is related to “Nicole,” but part of me hopes Meghan goes totally off-book.
So, because there is only one episode of FOSSE/VERDON to watch a week, I found myself watching instead a very milquetoast A&E Biography of him instead, and I am now here to deliver a cutting insult.
So, Fosse never thought he was a great dancer, and all of his exes and friends in the documentary are like “Bob was a lovely dancer, he was too hard on himself, he was a perfectionist,” and I’m here to say: no, Bob was right, he wasn’t that great at dancing. I watched all the clips and he’s fine, just not a true dancer. Take that, dead Bob Fosse!
There’s also a great moment in that episode in which Roy Scheider, who famously played a barely-fictionalized Fosse in the objectively great All That Jazz, was talking about Bob leaving his dying wife, Joan McCracken, for Gwen Verdon, and it occurs at 22:40 in the documentary, and it’s B R U T A L and I love it.
In more serious news, we have a reader in desperate need of help at the moment, who is sharing her story via a friend bc her ex has access to her accounts. What I’m hoping for is for any of you who might be sympathetic divorce lawyers to offer any sort of advice or assistance (you can email me, nicole dot cliffe at gmail, subject line: divorce). I am happy to pay for a consultation/possibly a retainer, but she is in great need for pro-bono or heavily subsidized help. She lives outside of Charlotte, NC. I know this is a big ask, but I would be greatly moved by any assistance our community can provide her. This is from her trusted friend:
I have a Korean immigrant friend who came to the US to follow her American husband a few years ago. He has a very wealthy family that they are close to, although he himself doesn’t make too much money. He wanted her to have kids, and stay home and not work. The oldest child has a learning disability, and requires a lot of attention and care. She found out afternoon moving here that her husband is basically a large child, won’t do anything to help around the house, insists on being made his own separate meal (didn’t want to eat the Korean food she made herself and he kids), and basically only pays attention to the kids as fun toys, and loses interest when they’re not fun for him.
I’m writing to you because she has been having issues with him for maybe the past year and a half: he’s been increasingly emotionally and financially abusive - at one point he forced her to give him all the money she had saved up before moving to the US, and locked her out of their bank account. She went to Korea to visit her family while her dad was dying, and brought her daughter and left the son at home with her husband and his family so he could continue his speech therapy. While she was gone, the family pressured her to not return from Korea, and essentially tried to steal her son from her. Her husband has been trying to force her to leave their house, and she recently got her first job in the US since the kids are both in preschool. He used her money to put a down payment on the house. His family is pressuring her to move out and let him keep the house, in exchange for some child support and car payments, but no alimony. They had been telling her they didn’t want them to divorce, just separate, but she found out yesterday that he and his mother secretly went to an expensive divorce attorney.
I graduated from law school not too long ago, and just passed the Bar, but have not been admitted. Even if I was, I would not want to represent her against an expensive, experienced divorce attorney. I’ve been trying to help her as much as I can but this is tearing me up. I have no money and live in a really tiny space. I have told her she’s welcome to stay with me if she can’t bear to be around him, but that’s not a long-term solution. I scared that his rich family is going to stonewall her. I’m one of her only friends in the States (we were co-workers back in Korea), and most of her family is in Korea - she has one sister in another state. I’ve been trying to help her apply for legal aid, and reaching out to my attorney friends, but we just found out yesterday about his secret meeting. I’m really scared for her. She’s a wonderful person, smart and kind and beautiful and a great mother, but they’re trying to take advantage of her. I remember I saw your tweet that you’re no longer donating money to individuals, which I totally understand, but I know you know great people all over! Maybe you have some connections to someone who could help her?
GRUESOME SERIAL KILLER CONTENT, HEAD’S UP:
One of the (extremely valid) critiques of a lot of true crime coverage is that we pay so little attention to those whose victims are people of color (we talked about that elision from the Dahmer narrative just last week.) I was, therefore, not shocked to learn so belatedly of the existence of an incredibly evil and prolific serial killer named Ronald Dominique, a white man who murdered and raped at least 23 young black men in and around New Orleans between 1997 and 2006. There is a documentary, Bayou Blue, which I will be checking out today. Imagine if 23 young white women had been the victims. We would be talking about him like we talk about Ted Bundy. Dominique is currently serving eight life sentences in Angola, which, America’s extremely terrible mass incarceration problem aside, seems appropriate for his crimes. Angola is also a really terrible place with a terrible history of prisoner mistreatment, and I support all efforts at reform.
Love all of you, and FEELING the love from all of you.
xoxoxoxoxo N
Re: Royal Baybay (Moira Rose voice)
It is my most sincere hope that they name that boy Dorian after Meghan's adorable mother.
I, too, cannot get enough of the Fosse/Verdon tv show.