I just sent my first completed work of fanfiction to a friend to beta and I feel so, so proud of myself.
I loved to write when I was a kid, but as I got older there was so much pressure to be a Good, Important Writer (from peers-I was an English major- and from my very literary parents) that I just stopped writing altogether rather than be a bad writer. But then I discovered fanfiction and the idea that I could just write... for fun... because I like it... and it doesn't matter whether it's good or bad... that just blew me out of the water. So I've written 100,000+ words in the last four months and it's like I've found a part of me again I didn't know I was missing.
Yesssssss! Fanfic is the greatest. I'm so glad you found a way to write for fun! <3 From one fanfic to another, see you ao3! (if you're planning on posting it, haha) A thousand blessings!
MCU is a great fandom! It's big too, so you'll likely get a decent response which is so great for confidence. My fic that I am most proud of and spent the longest time working on is in a tiny fandom so it has <100 kudos on AO3 (which suuuuuucked at the time) but my MCU one which I kind of hate has >1000 which made me feel great.
If you feel comfortable will you share a link so we can read it when it's ready?
Congrats! I've recently posted a couple works of fanfic (not nearly so prolific as yours, I am in awe of your word count) and the response from readers made me feel like I could do anything. Fanfic readers, if you decide to post and share it anywhere, are the best, most supportive people.
A week ago my mom received a very sudden and shocking diagnosis of terminal cancer. It’s been...a lot. She’s handling it weirdly well and luckily we’re in a good position to handle something like this (good insurance, my job has been great). I’d love any advice from anyone who has been through this before though.
I'm so sorry you, your mom, and your family. I lost my mom at 21 after 4 years of progressive illness and it was awful. My best advice-- we had a great hospice experience, once everyone accepted that it was "the end"-- and I wish we had been able to move her to hospice sooner. The pure focus on her comfort and wishes at the end of life, vs the focus at long term care and hospitals on meds and vital signs made such a huge difference. Also, treat yourself, and everyone else in your family who is dealing with this, with as much gentleness as you can. In my experience, even if you're practically killing yourself to keep life going and to be there for your mom, you are going to feel intense guilt and like a horrible child because you can't do it all. You're doing the best you can, though. I'm so sorry again.
I’m so so sorry your family are dealing with this. It may make it easier that she’s handling it weirdly well — I went through a similar cancer timeline with my grandma (who raised me) a few years ago and while she handled it well, I was a mess. It helped to do the little things she enjoyed—like getting her nails done, or eating a shrimp burger. I listened a lot, reveling in her voice and the stories she was choosing to tell. My uncle and I did what we could to protect her energy, and picked up the decision-making mantle when she was plainly over it (still with us and all there, but over it). And I don’t know about your mom, but my grandma was quirky, so we tried to amplify and nestle into those quirks.
Echoing what other replies say: remember to be very gentle with yourself and those with you all. And let yourself take a break sometimes, for time to yourself. Whether it’s a meal or a drive or a run, try not to feel guilty about preserving a little for yourself. It helped me show up every day ready to ride for whatever my grandma needed. So much love to you and your family.
It was literally the least I could do, after my whole life. I do wish that I’d taken her up on getting a pedicure with her, though. I was so silly and was worried about how much of her limited income she was going to spend. (Like...what‽‽‽‽)
My stepfather died of pancreatic cancer a couple of years ago, and it was a lot, that is a good way to put it. Everyone else here has given awesome advice, so I will just say this: several people have described pancreatic cancer to me as like the person is standing on the edge of a cliff. They slowly, slowly tip over and over, and it hardly even looks like they're moving, but they hit a certain point and it is just free fall. My stepfather went from "feeling pretty great, hard to believe he even has cancer" to "we couldn't get people to the hospital fast enough to say goodbye" in a shockingly short time. So we didn't actually have all the will stuff done that we needed, and we didn't get to take advantage of hospice, because things weren't in place and it happened too fast. So, maybe just be aware that things can happen really fast?
Oh, also, I will say that I was scared about having to deal with the hospital stuff and talk to doctors, since I am very non-confrontational and easily cowed by authority. But when something went wrong at the very end and he was not getting the care he needed, I got the kind of adrenaline boost that I assume is what lets people lift cars off babies, and I yelled at people in hospital hallways at 2:00 in the morning until someone woke up a doctor and fixed it. I certainly hope you do not have to do anything like this but I find it reassuring that now I know that I will rise to the situation when needed. I'm so sorry for you and your family.
Be there for her. I don’t know your mom or anything like that, but my mom handled it well until she didn’t, and she spent more of her last couple months in the hospital than out. If you have siblings that live nearby, that helps a lot. Don’t overextend yourself, find ways to engage in self-care wherever you can get them, but just make sure that you’re there, in open communication with her medical staff (nurses, surgeon, oncologist, whoever), and putting her needs and desires first. Centering her will come naturally, but I was surprised how receptive the medical staff were to communication. You’ll likely have to get used to instigating it though. Other than that... hold her hand. Talk. Cry. Laugh. Watch dumb movies. This is all you get with her, and when it’s gone it’s gone.
Thank you! It’s definitely a gift in a way to know that our time with her is finite so we can make the most of it, although it doesn’t make it easier. I’m so sorry about your mom but really appreciate the advice (I think dealing with hospitals will definitely be an acquired skill).
It definitely helps being open with people about it, so they know what you're going through and how to support you, which it sounds like you're already better at doing than I was. I was 18 when my mom was diagnosed and 21 when she passed and even though I was of course old enough to understand and know and all that, I think now part of me felt that if I didn't talk about it to anyone and didn't acknowledge it, it would all just quietly go away and life would go back to normal. I also didn't want pity or for people to look at me different, but you can't control how other people will react, hard as that was to accept. I am much, much better at dealing with it and talking about it now, but college would have been a LOT better if I had been more open then, with friends, roommates, professors, family.... the school assigned therapist... My heart goes out to you and your family, and if you'd like to talk more through another means, let me know.
I feel like I could have written this! So true-- I spent college being such an expert in denial and pretending that things were fine, and it was so unhealthy! Talking about death makes people SO uncomfortable, and people do want to avoid it, but you need to find your people who will let you share your grief with them.
Yes! It was so hard at that juncture of being independent and wanting to feel like an adult who can handle anything on their own, but then being faced with this huge thing you can't fix or control at all that makes you feel so small... it sucks! But having people on your team makes everything better so find them!!
Oh gosh, you were so young to lose your mom. I’m so sorry. I think I would have been completely the same at that age (one benefit of being in my 30s now). It’s hard to talk about it, but it has been really great to see how supportive people are and willing to show up for us.
I'm so very sorry, and sending love to you and your family. We lost my Mom over the course of about 6 months when I was 19. I was in school, and lucky enough to be able to just take a leave of absence. I'd say take full advantage of your job offering you time off/flexible scheduling/etc., both so you can be with her when she's meeting with doctors/caretakers, and just enjoy some random hang-time outside of medical environments.
As Kelly mentioned below, hospice was absolutely wonderful. I wish we'd called them in sooner, but, my Dad had a very hard time realizing there wasn't going to be any getting better. I'd also suggest using the resources of social workers and therapists her medical team may be able to refer you to (I did not but really wish I had!). It's just hard, and there are so many big, complicated feelings. Do your best to enjoy your time together, and remember that it's healthy to give yourself breaks and take care of your own needs. If you have a close friend who you can organize something like a meal train or other ways people can help (housecleaning, etc.), call them into action! People really do want to help, but they don't know how, and it can be a lot of mental energy for you to come up with the tasks and farm them out. Sending so much love your way.
Currently dealing with my mother's husband's pancreatic cancer. One thing that I was not prepared for was all the complications that can come with it because the body does weird things. Also really working with an organization that is focused on quality of life. He was having a lot of pain and when they finally got that under control, it was so crucial to his state of mind. He's a very difficult patient, so we try to get him to focus on little wins and give him a lot of positive reinforcement when he gets up and does stuff around the house. He always feels better when he makes the effort to move around.
I hope she is kept comfortable and finds peace. And take time for yourself to process. I used TalkSpace in the beginning and was matched with a therapist who's wife was a cancer survivor. So so useful.
I’m so sorry - my heart goes out to you guys. She actually has pancreatic cancer as well (the best kind!) and has already had one major complication that led to her diagnosis. Unfortunately I am sure there are more to come. TalkSpace is a really good idea - thank you. I wish the best for your family
We are going through this now with a different disease. I have no advice having not come out on the other side yet, but I will be thinking of you and your family! Remember it's a marathon, not a sprint and you all need to make sure you are supporting yourselves. In the process of this I've noticed that as a support person, it has been difficult to get support of my own so it really has become crucial to make notes about drinking water etc and having someone I can randomly text to vent at who is less adjacent to all of this. I hope your family stays strong and supported and I'm so sorry this is happening for you guys <3
I won a "best presentation" award at yesterday's conference! It apparently comes with a $500 award, but I'm more excited about the free conference swag: a Lego set that builds an evaporator (tool we use in the lab a bunch).
Lego made a special set just for my old company and that was THE thing to use as a prize to get people to participate in things around the office. Lego is AWESOME!
I've been having increasingly awful nightmares, often related to a relatively long-ago sexual assault, with increasin frequently and I just signed up to participate in a research study about treating PTSD and I'm very nervous but also proud of myself for getting over 9 years of accumulated calcification and leakiness of bad memories and fear and deciding (admittedly, For Science) that I deserve to talk to someone about what happened and get treated and stop having it hanging over my subconscious quite so aggressively.
Good luck and congrats for doing something about it!!!!! You absolutely deserve it! I know the feeling of sleep feeling like a violent acid trip instead of rest, and it's the worst!
my sister and i just impulsively started a new twitter at @ifthenrecs to recommend books / movies / music based on stuff you’ve liked (in the “if you like X, we think you’d like Y” format). i’m v excited to put all my pop culture feelings in one place! also i get to see ready or not today, on friday the 13th 🙌
Ready or Not was really good! I am a big scaredy cat so I was a little worried about it going in, but I laughed my ass off the entire time. May the Adam Brody renaissance continue!
i work on an organic farm and one of my jobs is drawing a joke or visual pun or reference within a reference on the sign we take to market (example: "JOI CHOI DIVISION" ft that album art, a variation of that "is this a pidgeon?" meme)
and the signs have become kind of a Thing among the other vendors / market regulars
but this week i was TIRED
and my boss let me get away with writing a parody of "This Is Just To Say" instead of drawing the yellow submarine art but with a golden zucchini in place of the sub, bless him.
Hi everyone, I'm on the mend from strep throat and have a glorious weekend of No-Plans ahead of me. After several weeks of overstructure, it's refreshing.
Also, after a particularly fraught urban walk last night, I've decided to acknowledge this spring's autism diagnosis with a good pair of noise-cancelling headphones. My birthday is coming up, so it's doubly appropriate. It's nice to be able to accept my neurodiversity at my own pace; I sought the diagnosis, so it's not like it was shocking, but I've had a hard time believing it because of all the masking I've done over several decades.
I’ve resisted pursuing a possible formal diagnosis for a long time, but I know there’s something there. The problem is that most of the coping strategies and defenses I’ve developed seem to make me pretty difficult to live with.
I bought a pair of sony WH-1000XM2 last year and they are life changing. I'm neurotypical but they still really help me with public transport and flying. Highly recommend. Also feel better!
Ah!!! I got the Bose Quiet Comfort-- a used, slightly older version, although still supposeldy The Ultimate according to all customer reviews I read -- and it really isn't very great at filtering out the roaring train and bus noises of my Boston area commute. It has me wondering if somehow the public transportation here is somehow abnormally loud? I would LOVE them if they worked
I got paid today, so I finally have enough cash to buy some fabric to make a quilt for my aunt who is very sick, so I am feeling very grateful this morning. I hope y'all are having a good Friday the 13th/harvest moon too!
I am a magician who works with sick children in the hospital (we perform bedside magic for kids with anything from cancer to car accidents). I am chairing the annual gala / benefit today and we haven't sold enough tickets. I'm really stressed about it so please send vibes for some last minute donations / ticket sales!!
My good friends had their baby! They are very cute and have the chubbiest cheeks (parents requested they/them for the time being). I, however, am trying very very hard not to slide into a depression hole. I can feel it yawning and so I'm like Outdoorsing! Cooking healthy! Cleaning the house! Taking a walk! Interacting with other humans! as hard as I can. How do you avoid a looming depressionhole?
that sounds like an overwhelming amount of activity, and I do the same kind of brainstorming, so you're not alone! For me, a quick conversation with a reliable friend, a walk in nature, a trip to a good bookstore ... anything not too stimulating ... can help. Trips to cat cafés are good too.
September always gets me so I feel you. Other than what you are doing I recommend yoga in whatever form you can do it and as much time with animals as possible. (presuming you are not allergic or afraid)
Same as you do, cooking some elaborate stuff, cleaning the house and napping in the grass. Going to the hairdresser can work wonders as well, if you are able to!
I feel this; I'm feeling great right now, but I can see the clouds of seasonal depression gathering on the horizon, so I'm doing everything I can to prepare for it. I've written myself a script of rational arguments against my usual depression thoughts, made a list of small acts of self care (text a friend just to say hi, go for a walk, wash the dishes, cook a healthy meal, etc), and am figuring out ways to counteract the patterns I fall into.
Ex: I tend to withdraw and isolate myself, which only makes things worse; socialization and exercise make me feel better, but it's too easy to just stay home and lay in bed. So now I'm trying to go to my rock climbing gym directly from work, where I can heat up some dinner and do some schoolwork in the lounge, get in some exercise, and interact with my friends.
Ahhhh I hate when you can feel it coming! Your organisation and preparation sounds like great planning. I also isolate and withdraw. I don't have any close friends in this city and that has made it easier for me to isolate.
That's how I feel! I love Americana/folk/twangy rock/bluegrass but never felt like I resonated with mainstream country. I feel like they came for me.
Favorite song? I SOBBED and was furious about doing so first time I listened to My Only Child, decided I would skip it forever, and now I am listening to it multiple times a day.
I already loved Dolly and a few other bits and pieces of country music, but I appreciate so much that the Highwomen are saying that there’s a world out here that mainstream country music has been missing. Their Newport performance and Brandi Carlile’s many collaborations there were all so great.
I got it yesterday and listened to it in the car and had to pull over and sob for a bit and it was in just the BEST ways and now I want to send it to all my female (and male too, really) people in life and yes, wow - it's very good.
There's lots of ugh work stuff happening and I'm just e x h a u s t e d by all of it, so I'm trying to focus on the positive:
- MAC has a new line of lipsticks called Love Me that aren't as matte and dryifying as their other lipsticks, so I obviously went out and bought a new red immediately. I like it a lot so far!
- I live alone and near so many takeout places that it plays havoc on my bank account (and general diet), so I finally got a meal box subscription and I'm excited! I get the first one on Monday.
- Tell me who are the men you personally find attractive on (currentish) tv shows? The only ones I could think of on the spot were Fleabag's Hot Priest and Grantchester's Hot Vicar. My friends couldn't really think of anyone else either. (I can, however, think of loads of women I find attractive.) Where are all the hot men???
I didn't see it, but I'm still bummed that the Bisexual Men in Black movie didn't seem to be very good. (I do fondly remember cracking up at Nicole's description of her bisexual tickets for the bisexual movie.)
I started watching Superstore because of Ben Feldman and Kim's Convenience because of Simu Liu. My he-yummy meter has a wide spectrum when it comes to body types, but great eyes get me almost every single time.
I AGREE TO BOTH! As Above So Below was a doodoo movie but Ben Feldman is very nice to look at. It's the hand/forearm situation that does it for me. Could not explain why. Kim's Convenience gets me right in the Toronto feels (husband is from Toronto, we love that city very much) and both Andrea Bang and Simu Liu could get it.
Indira Varma yes, Kevin McKidd no. As a couple they always confused me, but TBH I think a big part of that is Vorenus is just a shitty husband. Also: he has no eyebrows. I need eyebrows.
Ooh Hopper. So gruff. Although seasons 2 and 3 have kind of taken the shine off (halfway through season 3). I also love how Billy is so sexy despite the most ridiculous hair I've seen on a TV show in many years.
Everyone on Billions is attractive. Men, women, pets, even the gross ones are hot because the writing's so good. I've been mad about Damian Lewis since Band of Brothers but he excels at being gorgeous in this.
I need to start watching that! I love Damian Lewis all the way from Band of Brothers and Life, which is optimum Damian Lewis. (He's also great in The Forsyte Saga but plays a horrible dude.)
Life is the shit. That was a perfect show. At least once a day I take a deep breath and think, "this is the world." He just does quiet menace and manic joy so well.
Omg, Hot Vicar all day!! Also, Poldark when he's scything shirtless. David from Schitt's Creek also just Does Something for me - I think it's the eyebrows...
So I only watched season one, and it looked like S2 had a sexual assault storyline that honestly chilled me just to read on Wikipedia... but I thought Dan Stevens' main character on Legion was real hot. I am also gross and very attracted to Marc Maron's character on Glow.
Been going through it a bit lately, for no real reason really. But I keep getting stuck in the rut of “no one will ever love me because I’m worthless and ugly” and am struggling to rationalize with myself about it. Just needed to get it off my chest
It can be so challenging to get out of that place. The fact that you want love in your life so much that your brain is beating you up about it just shows what a beautiful, deeply good and worthwhile person you are. I hope you can be as gentle with yourself as you would be with someone you love who felt desperate or scared or unworthy. Sending hugs.
I get there still sometimes, even with a loving husband and supportive mom. It's rough, but you're beautiful and worth it, and I hope you get there soon
That is such a hard one. When I end up there, I try to remind myself that people don't have to be pretty to be worthy of love. If I practice that compassion for other people, sometimes I can direct it for myself. Hugs.
I'm in a BOOK FUNK at the moment and would love some recommendations! For what it's worth, here are the last five books I've really enjoyed: How To Do Nothing: Resisting the Attention Economy (Jenny Odell), The Western Wind (Samantha Harvey), The Bride Test (Helen Hoang), and Pachinko (Min Jin Lee). Also, I've started a 2.5 hour commute (each way) once a week and I would LIKE to read on the train more but I never know whether to bring heavy bulky books I know I'll love or lightweight paperbacks!
That is on my to-read list, as is the Dreamblood Duology. I also recently saw that a 5th Season TV show is in the works-- I am sure it will be awful compared to how amazing the books are, but I will watch it anyway!
Jasmine Guillory’s three books (The Wedding Date, The Proposal, and The Wedding Party) are great!! Romantic, hilarious, charming reads. I’m in the middle of the wedding party right now and I’m forcing myself to only read it a chapter at a time so I can enjoy it longer! Also all three are lightweight paperbacks what would work well on the train. I just finished Fleishman is in Trouble by Taffy Brodesser-Akner and it is incredible. A really interesting set of characters, sharp prose, and the tension builds and builds and builds, especially the last 50 pages or so. The ending gave me chills! Lastly, if you have any interest at all in cooking or poetry, I would recommend midnight chicken and other recipes worth living for by Ell Risbridger. It’s gorgeous, and makes me cry in a good way every few pages. Good luck with your book funk!
Would agree on Jasmine Guillory, also Alisha Rai, some Christina Lauren, some Rebekah Weatherspoon, Alyssa Cole... Depends a bit what set-ups work for you.
Ohh those are good recs, thank you! I've actually read all Jasmine Guillory's books (I actually thought her most recent was the best but all were enjoyable), but maybe I will seek out Fleishman, and definitely Midnight Chicken (which I've heard lots of good things about). Ty!!
If you liked Helen Hoang, you might also enjoy The Right Swipe. The Ladies Guide to Celestial Mechanics was a stunner-it's gorgeously written, it is a mainstream, mass-market female/female romance (maybe the first?). It also happens to be a passionate defense of women's work-easily the most actively feminist romance I've read in a long time, without being anachronistic (the heroines are modeled on real people!).
I finished Red, White, and Royal Blue this week and I need everyone to read it immediately. It's a queer rom-com set in a version of our world in which everything is just slightly less screwed up than in reality. (Female president! No Brexit!) The premise is that the US First Son and a British prince fall for each other and shenanigans ensue. It's very charming, nerdy, and sexy.
Okay, no one is more surprised by this than I am, but all of the books that the Jenna Bush book club has picked have been really great. She's highlighting mostly (all?) first time women writers, and their voices have all been really unique and wonderful. If you had told me in 2000 that I would one day be in the Jenna Bush book club and Donald Trump would be president.......
Seconded! I was so resistant but now it's all I'll take in the bath after one too many waterlogging incidents. Plus as the kid who always brought a backpack of books on vacation, it's changed the game.
I think the heavy vs light thing depends on 1) how good the book is, and 2) how far you have to walk to/from the station on either end carrying said book (s). I've been looking for recommendations myself, lately, so don't have any titles to drop here, sorry.
I don't think I'd read a book all in one day since the early Harry Potters, but last weekend I sat down to start Linda Holmes' Evvie Drake Starts Over and didn't put it down until it was done. It would probably be a great train read - it's (figuratively) fairly light and an easy read but real, complex characters. (Just don't miss your train stop, because that would be totally possible with this book)
HUGELY recommend The Monsters of Templeton by Lauren Groff. It's been my go-to book rec for...three years now? Also the Thursday Next series by Jasper Fforde. So fun, and definitely books for book lovers.
Lauren Groff is amazing! I inhaled Fates & Furies via audiobook & got Monsters of Templeton in hard copy cause I heard there were a bunch of characters & that's easier to track when physically reading for me.
I just finished This is How You Lose The Time War by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone and really enjoyed it - it is a SF epistolary romance between two opposing agents (both women) in a war across history and the multiverse. I thought it was very creative (and weird in a great way) and that the writing was beautiful and lyrical. (I suspect the writing style will not be for everyone - it has a literary feel - but I loved it.) I would also recommend Because Internet: Understanding the New Rules of Language by Gretchen McCulloch - non-fiction, a linguistic exploration of online language. I would second several of the romance recs you have already gotten (Alishai Rai and Alyssa Cole, in particular), and I also really like Kate Clayborn, Lucy Parker, and Jackie Lau for contemporary romance.
I'm currently reading -- and absolutely loving -- The Hollow Kingdom, by Kira Jane Buxton. Zombie-ish apocalypse, told from the point of view of a domesticated crow who loves his person, and humans in general, and who sets out with his faithful bloodhound companion Dennis to try to find out what has happened and how he can fix it. It's beautifully written, often very funny, and more emotionally moving than you might expect a book about a zombie outbreak to be.
Oh, I loved Circe and The Calculating Stars. Madeline Miller's earlier book, The Song of Achilles, is also wonderful. (Just a content warning for Circe -- there is a sexual assault, so keep that in mind if you are sensitive to such things.)
Alrighty! tell me what kind of things you like and I can get specific for you!
As a preliminary though, the National Gallery of Victoria is amazing, and very easy to get to on public transport. It has a great free collection and also excellent paid exhibits. Right now they have the Terracotta Warriors from China. The Museum is also very good and has cool interactive exhibits. If you like food the Queen Victoria Markets are absolutely worth your time - see the salami vendor in the deli section closest to the fish hall for the world's most hilarious upseller of cured meats. My friend once bought 2 kilos of salami and he had convinced her it would barely be enough. For quirky hipster melbourne things Fitzroy is your safe bet. The Rose Street markets are open on the weekends for a small, artsy market (on Rose street in Fitzroy). Also the laneways in the CBD are iconic - Hozier lane, Degraves lane, etc. Just google melbourne laneways for a quick explainer.
If you like food then a Melbourne Brunch is a MUST. It's reliably tipped as the best in the world - coming from people who have lived in London, New York, Italy, etc. The CBD has some great places but they're often PACKED on a weekend. Honestly everywhere is but I can give you recs for specific areas if you like - I ama a brunch fiend.
That's my general advice, let me know what you're after specifically and I can give you more stuff. I love recommending things to do in my city - I moved here in 2015 and I love it so much.
Oh this is so awesome! The Gallery and Museum is right next to where we're performing, as is the Queen Victoria Markets! I love me some cured meats, as well.
We're staying in Fitzroy North, so all those Fitzroy things sound really lovely. If there's any brunch places you can recommend around there I'd love it! I want to spend at least a few days sitting by myself and getting through a few books.
Oh ha I live in Fitzroy north. I have so many places for you.
My personal favvvvve cafe in the whole city is a tiny one in the quiet streets of Fitzroy north called Mitte - it's teeny but the food and coffee is great, it's tucked away in a beautiful neighbourhood and the dog watching on sunny days is *chef's kiss*.
Second fave is Terror Twilight on Johnson street. Their bowl meals are amaaaazing.
Alimentari on Smith Street is another one of my faves. There's an Alimentari on Brunswick st but the Smith street one is prettier, great for a weekday sit and chill.
Archie's All Day on Gertrude is great for any meal, and their brunch is delicious. Other brunch spots: Blonde Food and drink, Stagger Lee's, Grub Fitzroy, Slowpoke (all on Brunswick street)
Naked for Satan is a cool bar on Brunswick street, they have a rooftop bar. If you want a good pub you can't go past the Fox on the corner of Alexandra parade and Wellington street - they also do great vegetarian meals and will do anything vegan as well. Other fun drink spots: Craft and Co (they make fun gins and other distilled spirits in house), The Gem, Marquis of Lorne, Fiztroy Beer garden, Blackcat.
The Fitzroy north library (Bargoonga Nganjin) has a rooftop garden that is fantastic to chill in, highly recommend checking it out. Edinburgh gardens also is lovely to read and relax in.
Whew! That was a brain dump. I love all these places.
And a fabulous breakfast/baked goods can be found at Dench Bakers on Scotchmer st in Fitzroy North. And if you need a hair appointment, my mum has a wonderful tiny unisex barber shop called Honey Ryder. She’s amazing.
Neighborhood Wine in Fitzroy North is an AMAZING restaurant/wine bar and they do an incredible Sunday lunch (anytime is a good time to go also). I can not recommend it more highly!
One of the fun parts of twitter is when everyone is discussing a subject you know nothing about, and you continue to scroll on in gleeful ignorance! Sometimes I don’t learn about the kerfluffle for days! Sometimes ever!
I’ve taken the last two days off Twitter entirely, to the point of deleting the app and logging out in my phone browser. It’s giving me some withdrawal symptoms which I’m taking as a sign I needed to do this and it needs to last a while.
I went full autism special-interest on Twitter for Chilean 9/11. While I've started making lists to keep me off the main TL, it would be better if I just took a day break once a week. It's a big news source for me, so it's hard, but it's doable.
I started an instagram account for my relatively new sewing/historical costuming hobby (@hdotsew) and would love to connect with other crafty (and non-crafty!) folk. Putting myself out there and trying to make new friends definitely does not come naturally to this introvert, but I'm working on it!
I requested to follow you, too! I would love to get more into knitting, as well (I've only ever made plain scarves, lol), but I should probably stick to one new craft at time.
I'm not on instagram, but want to get more into sewing and historical costuming! I really like the dreamstress's blog (I think she has an instagram too?) for historical costuming. She has also been posting a lot about doing historical costuming during the climate crisis in a more sustainable manner, which I think is super important right now!
I read her blog, too, and follow her on instagram! I agree the conversation about how to sew/costume sustainably is super important - it's easy to forget the environmental impact when you're making pretty things.
I am not super crafty myself, but I would recommend following @jessicajquirk on insta! She is into historical sewing (?-sorry, don't know the right terminology) and probably could lead you to others as well!
Your work is lovely (as is your dog)! I definitely want to sew modern clothing, as well, but want to get a bit more practice in before I start on IRL clothes, if that makes sense.
Yeah, it makes sense! It feels so satisfying to me to make clothes that are just for my own comfort and pleasure and not for anyone else’s consumption.
FINALLY watching the Derry Girls, and wishing I lived in the same town as my Catholic high school girlfriends. Instead, I’m watching with my 14 year old daughter and that’s it’s own kind of fun. Loving every minute of it!
New mom here. My wee babe is almost eight weeks old, and while things have gone pretty well so far, I’m struggling with being preoccupied that something terrible is going to happen to her (is this just what parenting feels like? Maybe.) I can’t stop vividly imagining bad things happening, for example, that when I drive with her we’re going to get into a horrible car accident, and things like that. Does anyone have any tips or resources for helping to address or calm this kind of thing?
Seconding all of the above to talk to your doctor. It might not feel like it right now, but you've already taken a big step just realizing that something's off. I had a very similar experience when my son was born, didn't at all realize what I was feeling wasn't normal, and thankfully a questionnaire at a followup appointment alerted my doctor. (Medication was a big help for me, though your mileage may vary, of course.) Also, if you are the kind of person who is helped by knowing that other people are facing up to similar issues as you and there aren't in-person groups in your area, there are quite a few Facebook groups where you can find support. "Postpartum Support International" was a good one for me.
Talk to your doctor about this-- it's a pretty classic way that post partum anxiety presents itself, and they have heard this a million times and know what to do to help you. Sometimes, even just deploying cognitive behavior therapy strategies can reel in these intrusive thoughts, very quickly. (Not everybody needs meds!) Get some help-- this is not what parenting just feels like, and you can feel better so fast. Sending you and your babe a virtual hug and wishing you wellness.
For me the first year of parenting was constantly worrying that my child would die, but it was pretty low level/background. The sleep deprivation doesn’t help. However, this sounds more intense than average to me, especially with the intrusive thoughts. Is your doctor someone you feel comfortable reaching out to for evaluation for postpartum anxiety?
Just in case getting in front of a doctor is going to be a long wait for you (since mental health services can be hard to access) there is a book/workbook called Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life that is an intro to ACT therapy (similar to but different from CBT) that has been really helpful for me in different situations to let go of/not identify with intrusive thoughts. I am not any sort of mental health professional, this is just a personal recommendation
+1 for talking to your doctor (or a mental health professional). I had intrusive thoughts when I was a new parent and I really wish I'd talked to someone about it. It eventually went away, when my kid was old enough to be merely hurt and not actually seriously damaged if I dropped him, but it would have been so much better not to have to wait them out.
Just want to second the others saying this doesn’t sound typical. I’d agree it’s worth a follow up visit with your OB or a mental health professional. Sending you and your lil nugget all of the love ❤️
Honestly, what helped me get over that was looking back at how dangerous and reckless things were when I was a child and realizing I made it to adulthood.
Does anyone have any advice about getting OUT of a challenging, debilitating major depression? It's my FIRST TIME and it's been going on for over a year (and yes, weekly therapy is helping but is it?). I am switching medications today but I am having a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel - I can still remember like, wanting to do things on weekends but I look forward to Fridays now because I can just collapse.
(for that matter if anyone has any good Netflix recommendations for the weekend, I'm almost done with iZombie and need something to zone out to that has the same level of quirk/smart/not too thinky/not too funny/dark humor welcome - any takers?)
Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries is leaving Netflix soon and is a delightful, lighthearted murder show off three seasons that I would recommend people binge before it goes. She's a Lady Detective (as in landed Gentry, not just as the woman version of detective) who works with the local Police Inspector, Jack (lots of sexual tension there) to solve crimes in late 1920s Australia.
If you can, taking extra good care of yourself sometimes helps. Taking an extra long shower, or just flossing and washing your face on the weekends, doing a face mask & painting your nails, making your comfort food, etc. Just something small and do-able. Sometimes getting a new haircut helps me. Also finding some sort of small, relatively mindless craft you can do while binge watching, like crochet or coloring, because then you have something tangible you can look at and be like 'I did that, I am not a complete waste.'
For what it's worth, The Great British Baking Show has been immensely beneficial to me. It's a bright, cheerful little spot when I'm *really* depressed (I have dysthymia, which means I'm pretty much always depressed, at a mid-level range but sometimes I dip even lower) and when I have a bad anxiety spike, which I sometimes get thanks to depression, watching a single episode really helps soothe me and I'm then able to proceed with a clearer, less anxious mind.
Oh, yes! Also the first season of the Big Family Cooking Showdown -- there are two seasons, but they changed the format a lot for the second one, and it isn't as good. The first season is just lovely though.
Any Mike Schur show? I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch. I hope you find equilibrium soon. Until then, I try and make my bed every day. It seems like a small goal, except for the days when it's a big goal. But it's also a nice way to start my day and makes getting into bed feel somehow intentional and a bit of a treat. (It's advice from my favorite grandma who had to bury a son and is obviously still grieving him.)
*raises hand* another daily bed maker. keeps me from getting back in it and I also love order...it helps set the tone for the day even if it's downhill from there L O L :/
I am honestly right there with you on the depression. I'm Bipolar II, so I've been dealing with depression cyclically since high school. Therapy has helped me, but it's a really slow process. Also, finding a therapist that you like who also actually treats you can be a s t r u g g l e. I spent over a year in therapy with a woman I really liked, and felt comfortable talking to, but she didn't really give me any feedback or challenge me to change any patterns of behavior. It felt like a wasted year. But! Everyone has different needs and finding what works for you can take time, but will ultimately be worth it.
It's so frustrating that to find the treatment you need, you typically have to expend so much energy when you have the least of it. My advice on going out again is start small and don't push yourself too hard. Maybe invite a friend over to your place for wine and snacks or have a lowkey trip to a coffee shop. Your energy *will* come back and you can get through this. The recovery can feel like a slog, but you're taking the steps you need to get there. Best of luck to you and I hope you start feeling better soon.
Thank you so much. I have a "type a" personality and I don't recognize myself right now. I really like my therapist but I'm not sure what to expect exactly.
My Dad cycled though I mainly saw his mania (Bipolar I) but he tells me that the lows were low too and it was just easier to treat for him, which mirrors what you say about everyone needing something different. I am very glad that the treatment options have come such a long way since when he was going through it - but tbh it prevented me from seeing someone sooner (ie surely I don't have "real problems; i should just snap out of it") I have to be easier on myself.
Just posting feels like a lot, and everyone is being so generous with their stories and support today. A win! Thank you.
I think self care is vital. It’s always real easy for me to develop bad or unhealthy habits when I’m in a depressive period, and making myself take a shower/go on a walk/etc. allows me to feel a small baseline of success/accomplishment when I would rather stare my ceiling for hours. It won’t bring me out of the depression or make it hit worse, but I definitely think it helps me get back to normal quicker.
If you don’t mind anime, I suggest Ouran High School Host Club and One Punch Man
have you tried Wynnona Earp or Lost Girl? They're both funny, dark, and have lots of the monster of the week episodes so you don't have to always watch them super close. Both are Canadian and have great casts and lots of queer relationships.
Ah I am so sorry. I just got out of one myself by going on meds for the first time, so not much advice here, but from the other side I want to remind you that everyone loves you and you are not a burden! I'm able to have more candid conversations now with the people I was afraid of burdening and oh man they're all so supportive and I wish I had leaned on them more.
Definitely do support doing small things to take care of yourself. Wash your face! Brush your dog! Clean like, a very very small part of your room! And do not do any thing more than that. Just say, oh man I set out to do one thing and I did it! It is not a fix but it will make you feel better.
That's so tough, I'm really sorry to hear it. Glad you're even posting about it--acknowledging it and reminding yourself that there is even the possibility of a light at the end of the tunnel is always half the battle, for me. I know this isn't Netflix, it's Hulu, but if you have it a pretty obvious answer is going back to Veronica Mars. :)
Sending you strength for the depression! FWIW I've started my depression almost 4 years ago and only for the last year have I started to feel a bit like myself and do regular stuff outside work. I'm still under medication. It does get better but there are a lot of ups and downs on the way there so hang on!
Thanks Constance! It actually makes me feel better to hear that it's not just me going through it for so long. Sometimes it feels like "i'm on the upswing!" but then I'm back in bed for hours. I know it's a process but sometimes I'm like "shouldn't I be better by now, I keep going to therapy and NOTHING" even though I know better. It is so weird (for me) to just get up, lay there, force myself into work, and nothing else! Thank you!
I have been there with the depression. For what it’s worth, what finally worked for me was trauma-informed therapy and EMDR. I’m happy to talk to you more about my experience, and I’m
seconding the 'get one thing done' approach when feeling overwhelmed/stuck. you may find the momentum to do another thing but again start small and no pressure!
I'm five months pregnant, just had my first appt (has anyone mentioned insurance in America sucks?), and we're all doing great, yay! What's bugging me is before everyone in my house wakes up I get some cuddle time with my 6mo puppy and now my belly is so big he only hangs out for a minute before finding a more comfortable spot.
Has he gotten super defensive of you with other people? Our dog started physically putting himself between my wife and I when she was pregnant with our last child and he still does it three years later.
Yeah! Unless a person walking by has a super interesting dog, everyone on our walks is a "threat" now. He also came and jealous peed by the bed when I was reading to stepson cuz I wouldn't pick puppy up to be RIGHT next to me.
I am currently in my last semester of college and taking a lot of credit hours and applying for grad school and working and am feeling v v stressed about the future and overburdened. I would love and appreciate some good vibes being sent my way. On another note, a high point is that my roommates and I are throwing a Full Moon/Friday the 13th party tonight that I am excited about!
I am scheduled to lead the youth group at my church on Sunday morning and I'm feeling anxious about it. Usually my partner does it with me, but he has something else then so I said I'd do it on my own - it's only half an hour and I know all the kids and they like me, but anxietybrain is acting up and making me dread it a little bit. :/
I do have something to look forward to on Sunday afternoon - we're doing a D&D oneshot with our usual group, and I made a new character, a messy-haired cleric sailor named Hawk who calls down storms on enemies and can control water. Pretty excited to play her.
Friends, one of my two best friends is moving away (like, half the country away). I am completely devastated. She (and my other friend) make up an extremely large chunk of my support system emotionally and socially (I am very bad at peopling and don't like to make new friends because it's scary). She is one of the main reasons I sometimes actually meet new people and actually do social things outside my apartment. I am sad. I am worried about isolating myself even more.
I don't have anything else. I'm just at loose ends and wanted someone to hear.
I’m so sorry Elyssa. I had a similar situation with a roommate who was my lifeline, and she had to move out for financial reasons. I was devastated. BUT then when she left, I unexpectedly met the love of my life. So I’m hoping there’s a wonderful, magical connection out there just waiting for you. Hugs. <3
My best friends live four hours away from me in opposite directions, and I feel this so much. However, we have a group chat in which we text all the time, we'll organize times to watch the same movie or tv show and then live text about it to each other, we talk when bad things are happening to us/in our heads/to our loved ones, and we try to get together semi-regularly (easier to do when four hours apart than half a country apart). So while that doesn't help with getting out and seeing people in your area (which I am also very bad at), there are definite ways to keep in touch with faraway friends so that you don't feel completely isolated even when you can't be bothered to leave your apartment all weekend.
Oh shoot, my comment double posted and then I tried to delete one and it deleted both! I just said that my best friend also just moved away and it really sucks and I'm sorry. Solidarity. <3
I'm about to leave for a two week long work trip (2 conferences, 2 countries) and everyone keeps expecting me to be excited but I'm just... tired. I know I'll enjoy myself once I'm actually there because I love travelling and I love learning but it's hard to muster the energy right now. Work travel is not as glamourous as people think and their expectations hold me back from being able to actually talk about my stress. Anyone else out there on the road a lot for work? What are you coping strategies and tips?
I find the one thing that keeps me sane during work trips abroad (especially when I'm traveling alone) is to keep one familiar routine, whether it's reading a book or watching a show that exists outside of the experience, whether it's work or holiday. It keeps you grounded and can feel quite meditative!
I was recently abroad for work and what helped for me was to recognize my need for self care and satisfy it. I often pressured myself into touring/going out of guilt, but relaxing when I needed to made the trip so much more enjoyable.
In my old job, I had regular 30 day business trips; it was brutal. My coping strategies: pajamas as soon as I got to the hotel, lots of baths, using Instacart to make sure I would have groceries as soon as I came home, and calling people I love.
I try to do at least one thing just for myself each day when I’m traveling, be it pizza in a robe in my hotel, or a massage, or a walk in the sun - just non-work related time out and a nice thing so I don’t just feel like a work robot
I'm a little stressed as our new festival of London museum Lates events is just TWO WEEKS AWAY! Our team are all flat out, but it's exciting. If anyone think that "Night at the Museum meets Glastonbury" sounds like your cup of tea, check out what's on and come on down: www.emergefestival.co.uk
This looks SO COOL. I am going to try and come! Question though... will there be tickets available on the day(s) at the venues (I swear I read the FAQs before asking)? I've got a friend in town so I'm not sure what our plans will be, but it'd be an awesome option!
Thanks, it's inspired by Amsterdam's MuseumNacht, which is just brilliant http://www.n8.nl (and has been going for 20 years now!) As a museum professional you might also be interested in our research reports into the impact of museum Lates on the night-time economy: https://weareculture24.org.uk/lates-research/
this is amazing, thank you! We do something similar here in Washington DC with monthly "After Hours" parties at various Smithsonian museums. I love the research, though that is super helpful.
I finished two months of PT this week for migraines. It felt bizarre that I had to go - I'd tried meds, yoga, chiropractor, and they were just getting more frequent (taking advil or excedrin 4+ times a week, had one in June that lasted 5 days). PT was a pain in the ass: it was expensive even after insurance, time consuming, sometimes painful (they were frequently able to reproduce headaches and i tried dry needling which was helpful but scary). I also truly dislike people touching my body, so there was a whole mental aspect I had to conquer every single time and it sucked. BUT.... y'all, I feel so much better, and I feel like I have the tools to keep feeling better, and I am so happy.
Hi everyone!! I have a huge life change that's happening this weekend. I'm finally getting a dog, which has been pretty much my life's highest dream for 28 years. Now that's it's finally REALLY happening though I'm finding myself running through every excuse in the book trying to convince myself that it might not be *~the ideal~* time. I have a lot of dog sitting and walking experience and I know it will be a lot I know it will be a lot different, and a lot better. I know also that there is no ideal time, and i'm trying hard to gear myself up for tomorrow - the day that I always pictured as "the best day of my life" in a way that i think some people think about their weddings or children being born. Now that the day is imminent, I'm finding it hard to convince myself that I'm *ready*. Any encouragement about what joy my new family member will bring, or helpful thoughts about how no one is ever really ready for ANythiNG would be so helpful to hear heart right now but I am struggling!!! <3 thank you so much in advance and happy friday
I was also deeply worried about whether or not I could handle the lifestyle adjustment of a dog when I got my girl - it is a big leap to go from "single + no responsibilities except to yourself" to "another living creature, whom you love more than your life, depends on you for EVERYTHING." Trying to think through all the ways your life will change is really overwhelming and feels impossible! But the beauty of having a dog is that you just... do it. There was a big difference between the anxiety/dread I had about dog ownership and the reality of having a dog, which is that it feels TOTALLY different to care for the actual dog than it does to THINK about caring for the dog. Your life and routines expand and adapt and because you're ready, you just... do it. Not sure if this completely makes sense! But please know you're not alone.
Also the best thing in the world is when my dog rests her head on my feet after I've been gone for too long, as if to say, "stay here a while, please, I've missed you." Your dog may not do the same thing exactly, but they will find ways to love you best and move your heart every day.
My husband and I adopted our dog about 5 1/2 years ago (he's in my little avi) and he is the best thing that happened to us since getting married. Granted, it's a little easier with two people, but honestly - if you've been matched well and chosen a dog that suits your temperament and lifestyle, it won't be a massive adjustment. I do recommend training classes, through a local place or Petsmart if needed, simply because it gives you a way to understand and communicate with your dog better. It's as much for you as it is for the dog. Our little floofer brings so much joy to me every day and it's totally worth rushing home from work to take him outside.
I was SO READY for a pup so so ready and then whoops apparently I hadn’t considered everything. We’ve had her for about 4 months now and I wouldn’t ever change second of it. She’s perfect and wonderful, even while being at times challenging. You get used to the day-to-day changes pretty quickly. I think lots of people make out dog ownership to be easier than it is - you seem to have a great grasp on reality.
I got my first dog pretty through accident/impulse (the words "Oh no, I'll take her in" somehow came out of my mouth) so it was a steep learning curve for me, and surely for my pup, but ooh boy was it worth it. She graced my life for the next 13 years and was a daily source of joy. Honestly, it was a privilege to know her. Caring for a dog is a big step, so your apprehension is understandable, but the time invested (in the daily walks & such) will 100% be worth it!
have a history of mental illness and hospitalizations and didn't think I'd ever be stable enough. Finally I looked at my local rescue and fell in love with my puggle. It was actually easier than I expected although it does take time to learn each other's schedules and wants and likes. However, the process is so rewarding. Best thing I ever did and led me to get another dogs. That was much harder than I thought because she has some issues, but now I have my pack and am very content.
Hi friends! I have not been loving myself lately, so yesterday I was very kind to myself and my cat and got her an adorable Halloween scratcher/house thing and myself a book (I'm splurging and getting TWO more this weekend because it's "Be Kind To Me" weekend - Ten Thousand Doors of January and the new Etgar Keret). How are you being nice to yourself this weekend?
I watched John Mulaney interviewing Bill Hader at the 92Y https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tk-83o9gQik and it is DELIGHTFUL! Mulaney says three words, and Hader bursts into joyous laughter. Friendship and creative work together is so wonderful and refreshing!
Bill Hader and John Mulaney interviews are my favorite! They are SO funny-I always watch YouTube clips of them on late night talk shows when I need some quick cheering up.
Petty whining, but we are going out of town for a wedding and whoo boy my social anxiety is already through the roof in anticipation. And we're driving down with MIL's husband (stepfather never feels right, they've been married for less time than we have) who is a perfectly nice person but I barely want to be in the car with my spouse for five hours. Thoughts and prayers for no panic attacks in the bathroom mid-reception appreciated.
That sounds like a lot! I hope they clothes you're wearing are comfy and make you look bomb. Take breaks if you need them! Wishing you lots of spoons. <3
I have a spousal obligation event next week, also out of town, and I won’t know anyone there except my husband. Already planning deep breathing and stretching in the bathroom or wherever else I can escape to. Fingers crossed for both of us.
Yes! I appreciated her experience that ties it in to the "oh look what we just invented" ignorance of entire fields the tech industry has, which is infuriating in every case.
Hi all! I’ve been lurking here for a while but today seemed like a good time to delurk because I am Going Through Some Stuff and could use good thoughts! Long story short: I was in a PhD program until not too long ago, at the dissertation stage but already totally disillusioned/ burned out on academia for a lot of reasons, and also had been going through a lot of major life stuff, mainly figuring out I was queer during my first year in the program. I finally decided to get out and focus on writing fiction, which has always been my first love. I’m now working retail full time and trying to take care of my mental health while I ease back into writing. For a while it felt like I had things under control financially, but a couple of things that have happened in the last week (insurance fuckery, mostly) have made things more precarious and I’m worried about making ends meet. I probably need to get some kind of second job to supplement my income, but I’m already working a lot and exhausted and I don’t know how to find the time or energy for that. It’s just...a lot right now. And I’m mostly holding it together on a day to day basis, but the constant anxiety about money is wearing me down.
I've been reading WINNERS TAKE ALL about this, which touches on a psychological study of people under financial stress making decisions at a cognitive deficit equivalent to being drunk or sleep-deprived, and while it is ENRAGING, it is also comforting (to me) to feel less alone. I don't know what else help besides feeling less alone (and burning down the system!).
Thanks, that does help! I’m just so resentful of the whole idea that I have to get a second job, but then there’s this other part of me that feels like I’m being entitled by expecting that I should be able to survive on just one job. It’s just all so fucked up!!
I don't know how long you've been out of the PhD program or if it's still weighing on your mind, but my awesome friend has a project that she started to highlight POC in academia, and then became a vehicle/community to help process her own experience with failing quals, grappling with leaving her program, the insane pressure and gatekeeping and debt involved with higher ed, etc. @phuturedoctors on Instagram - I'm not in grad school and the stories it connects me with remind me that I'm not alone when I'm facing work and life stress.
Do other people get this feeling when they come home from vacation where everything just seems boring and gray? I'm back from a 10-day trip (South of France, lots of reading by a swimming pool, drinking wine, visiting medieval towns) and my life now seems deeply dull. I hoped to come back revitalized but instead, I'm sad about the boring state of my life. I'm sure it will pass in a few days but I wish this didn't always happen.
Every time I come home from any kind of trip I sit in the Uber on the way home crying, because I'm so depressed by our hoarderish house and wrecked yard. And how we cannot seem to get it together to do anything to improve things. This has gone on for several years now and I"m ready to run away from home.
I follow many travel youtubers and this seems like a very common problem! I think the advice usually boils down to this: start planning your next trip. Even if its just a weekend away to a city in the next state, or a day trip somewhere even closer.
I also deeply love slow-tv type "walking at night" videos where someone records a POV video exploring various cities at night. You can hook up your laptop to a flat screen and visit a place you miss or perhaps get inspiration for the next adventure. This is how cash-strapped me copes with wanderlust, anyway!
I just finished reading Say Nothing, A True Story of Murder And Memory in Northern Ireland
by Patrick Radden Keefe. It is amazing. I've never read about The Troubles in NI before and I think the author did a great job of being as unbiased as possible. It is non-fiction narrative that reads like a thriller. I'm gonna go rewatch Derry Girls now...
Yesss, I read that earlier this year and was so impressed by it. It just made me want to learn even more about the Troubles—all the people and personalities involved were so fascinating.
This week started with food poisoning and ends with a (scheduled) doctor's appointment this afternoon, but despite that, it's been a pretty decent week. I did *not* watch the debates last night, instead I had a delicious rose` cider with a mentor of mine (McKenzie’s strawberry hibiscus rose`, for those who can and wish to indulge). Happy Friday! I hope we all have chill, autumnal weekends. <3
I also did not watch the debates last night. I am 31 weeks pregnant and cannot have a drink, so I'm considering skipping the debates until this kid is born as a form of self-care. Rose Coder sounds delightful-- gonna add that to my list of things to drink post birth.
As someone who hopes she's not pregnant but is cutting back, may I recommend Seedlip? It's the only thing I've found sufficiently "complex" and not just sweet so I can trick myself with a sober g&t!
Oooh! That looks delicious! My go-to has been Q ginger beer, lime, and Black Cherry shrub (which is like, artisanal vinegar mixer? that a little shop near me carries), but I'm going to need to try Seedlip too!
I've been wondering if that's worth trying, so thanks for mentioning it! I'm also pregnant, and have been drinking mail-ordered craft NA beer (with varying success) and club soda, lime and bitters.
There's also a kind of weird brewed tea at Whole Foods that's super hoppy and meant to scratch that beer itch? I tried it and didn't like it because I don't like beer, but might be worth checking out? Comes in a can.
I am a politics junkie, so I am sure I'll be watching the debates as we get closer, and I read a lot of recaps and analysis, but I just can't handle 3 hours right now! Bubble bath sounds like an excellent alternative!
And thanks! Kid growing is going well so far, but I'm getting towards the end and am SO OVER being pregnant!
It's sitting on my to-read shelf now! I sent my partner the Vox review bc of the headline ("Gideon the Ninth is about lesbian necromancers in space. Obviously, it’s perfect.") and he ordered it immediately.
I've been waiting for open thread so I could ask: What charities do y'all donate to? I'm trying to be more regular about donating but outside of local ones, it's so hard to figure out what is actually helping and a good place to send my money. I'm in the US so orgs that help with the border disaster, women's health, or fixing our broken voting system would be great, but mostly I just want to hear about all the great places I don't know about yet (and I'm sure others elsewhere would too).
I don't make much money ($40k/year) but as a person with a lot of struggling friends and family, in a city with a lot of homeless people, and in my personal community surrounded by many artists, I try to give about 10% away a month. This is usually through individual requests, like people on the street* or a friend's crowdfunding for a theater project or a friend of a friend's medical GoFundMe. A couple of years ago I was robbed, and the computer I'd saved up for three years to buy was stolen, and a friend did a GoFundMe for me, so I always try to pay that forward.
*My dad taught me to always carry change and small bills when walking around Chicago, to give to people in obvious need. He calls it "the street tax."
I donate to Medical Students for Choice, which supports medical students that want to learn abortions. Many, many teaching institutions do not teach abortion as part of the curriculum.
Oh, man, nice one! Thanks for the recommendation, and it's such a good idea to keep the pipeline flowing with docs who have the knowledge! I'm adding that to my list.
I'm biased because I was raised in the Mennonite Church but Mennonite Central Committee (global) and Mennonite Disaster Service (US) do really good work providing relief and rebuilding after natural and humanitarian disasters, they stay for the long term, and they don't preach.
RAICES is always a good option for the border crisis, too.
I've donated to a few abortion funds, but happy for recs on women's health in general.
I have Mennonite family in Harrisonburg, VA, and every year I go to their big quilt auction and relief sale, and buy a few quilts and have an amazing time at the WILD auction. The relief sales are apparently regional across the country, and I recommend them to everyone and anyone!
My husband is a historian and writes about Mennonites. I'm not biased and I completely agree. I got to hear first hand last week about how they got Mennonite Russians out after WWII and to safety in Canada and Paraguay. They do great work.
I donate to my local abortion fund, and the national network of abortion funds has a list of them all or you can donate to them nationally. I try to keep most of my giving locally (largely organizations that work on homelessness) but nationally I give to moms demand action (gun control) and trans lifeline.
I'm in the US, too. I donate to the International Rescue Committee because I have decision paralysis about what else I can do about that whole *waves arms wildly* thing. And Mercy Ships (Africa) because they help people with club feet (which I have).
We give to the Young Center, which pairs children at the border (separated or unaccompanied, but you can guess which they have more of right now) with legal advocates.
I give regularly to the International Rescue Committee, I like that they support refugees world wide and also help with resettlement in the US. They have offices / resettlement programs across the US, so you can donate to your local program or support their efforts all over. And 87% of all donations go towards programs and services (8% for management and general and 5% for fundraising).
I have a friend who is active in grassroots organizing in Texas; she recommended a bunch of places to me when I asked the same question. For organizing around immigrant women’s health, the National Latina Institute for Reproductive Health. https://latinainstitute.org/en For direct payments to women who cannot afford abortions, the Lilith Fund. https://www.lilithfund.org/ For legal assistance for women being prosecuted/punished because they are pregnant (or trying not to be pregnant), National Advocates for Pregnant Women. http://www.advocatesforpregnantwomen.org/main/about_us/about_us.php
Austin Bat Cave (ABC) teaching writing in our most vulnerable schools and publishing the kids work! The last two years have been focused on providing opportunities for young people (primarily students of color) to explore journalism and activism through workshops on op ed writing and more.
They sound like the 826 centers, who help kids write and publish at themed centers like The Pirate Supply Shop in San Francisco or the Time Travel Mart in Los Angeles. I used to always buy a book at their stand at the LA Book Show when I lived out there.
I absolutely echo the recommendation for RAICES on border and immigration work, I stick to Planed Parenthood and local abortion fund groups for women's health issues, and I still like giving to PBS, because I feel like they give back so much value to all of us. Local bail funds are a new thing to me, but yes, bail is evil and misused and shortsighted and contributes to the absolute plantation prison world we have going on, and must, must, must end.
The Yellowhammer Fund https://abortionfunds.org/fund/yellowhammer-fund/ provides funding and support to people seeking abortions in Alabama! That or a local abortion fund are great places to support.
i know you said no C&N, but that reminded me of a really good tweet i saw regarding that mess: "everyone has a caroline friend, and if you don't then *you're* someone's caroline" (to paraphrase).
i have always had at least one caroline friend at a time since high school! it is draining! i'm sure i have also been the draining friend at times, but yikes!
I’m really looking forward to this weekend because it has the just the right mix of plans and free time. I’m super excited to try a recent NYTimes cooking recipe for Indian nachos (chips, beans & cheese but also tamarind! Chutney!) with some friends. I usually am cooking just for me so it’s fun to cook something a little more involved with other people. I think the recipe might be from the cookbook Indian-ish which I now have on hold at the library and am very excited to get. Hope everyone has a great food weekend!
This is Incredibly Specific, and I hate to be a debbie downer on a Friday, but I would love to hear from anyone with autoimmune-types of arthritis!! I recently received a diagnosis and I’m still in freak-out mode about what that means, and I don’t know anyone IRL i can ask about it!
On the one hand, I miss Babylon Berlin, and hope it comes back soon; on the other, I probably couldn't handle the emotional overload of having it and Succession on at the same time, so, all for the best.
Hi everyone! After years of IVF I am pregnant and feek super happy and lucky. I remember ages ago in her parenting column Nicole recommended an evidence-based pregnancy book. I can't find the entry now though. Does anyone know, or can recommend something similar? It would really help my anxiety...and my arguments with my wife over drinking coffee. Thanks very much in advance!
Seconding Expecting Better- which made me feel comfortable continuing to drink coffee during my IVF pregnancy. Congrats to you! It’s such a long road dealing with infertility. My son was born 2 weeks ago and pretty much immediately I felt like yep, this was all completely worth it.
Hellooo! I am a new subscriber, excited to be chatting with all of you! I've got a vacation coming up next month to California, which is mostly parks but is going to include one day of driving through Napa Valley and a few days in SF. I am looking for a lunch spot in Napa. I am picturing myself on a porch or patio of a restaurant drinking local wine. From my outside perch I see a scenic view of the valley. The food is good. I bet there is some cheese involved. It's not a fussy fancy place but I feel fancy because of the wine and views combo. Does such a place exist? Please point me!
Any other SF recs welcome for our few days there. <3
We are staying in San Leandro but near to BART access so we can get into wherever. We definitely plan to hit Chinatown. We will be there about 3 days. We are planning on one nice high end dinner (although I think that SF high end and our definition of high end might be different ha! we would hope to keep our "nice" dinner to less than $150 per person). We are adventurous eaters and love all kinds of food, so I think the kind of recs I'd love the best are just what are your go to spots or places you love? If you had a friend or family visiting, what would you tell them to hit? We are doing our own research too but there are SO MANY places I love hearing from trusted sources, ha. Of course all of you are trusted. ;)
Oooh ok! There are actually a decent number of options for nice prix fixe under $150 in SF. My favorite recently closed, but I can highly recommend Kin Khao (Thai) and Al's place and Petit Crenn are next on my list and I've heard good things from friends who have been. Burma Love/Burma Superstar are AMAZING and more affordable, and have some excellent cocktails.
SF is amazing for outdoorsy stuff to do-Land's End/Sutro Baths is excellent and if you are adventurous, you can go over the golden gate bridge to Marin/Rodeo beach for some longer hikes. Without a car on the weekend, you can take the 76X muni bus, but that's at least a half day. I've seen porpoises there and my friends have seen whales!
I highly recommend wandering around the Mission, Valencia St is really fun and there are a ton of bookstores. Everyone says that you can't miss a mission burrito, but I'm definitely partial to tacos, and they are excellent around there, and one of my favorite cocktail bars, ABV. There are also some cool mural walking tours of the mission that you could check out.
Embarcadero/pier 39 are tourist traps to be missed (unless you are a fan of places like times sq, in which case go for it).I think SF food trucks are not great these days, but check out off the grid-it's gatherings of different food trucks around the city, and the one in the marina is good, although v crowded.Lot's of good breweries as well!
Check out Eater SF's map-it has a lot of good ones on it. Hope this was helpful-happy to expand on any of these that sound good!
Thank you so much!! We saw the Dominique Crenn episode of Chef's Table so that sounds like a great option. I was able to get us a reservation! woo! We are also definitely interested in the Burmese restaurants as well since we have never had that kind of food! I think we definitely plan on hitting the Mission too :)
I just sent my first completed work of fanfiction to a friend to beta and I feel so, so proud of myself.
I loved to write when I was a kid, but as I got older there was so much pressure to be a Good, Important Writer (from peers-I was an English major- and from my very literary parents) that I just stopped writing altogether rather than be a bad writer. But then I discovered fanfiction and the idea that I could just write... for fun... because I like it... and it doesn't matter whether it's good or bad... that just blew me out of the water. So I've written 100,000+ words in the last four months and it's like I've found a part of me again I didn't know I was missing.
Yesssssss! Fanfic is the greatest. I'm so glad you found a way to write for fun! <3 From one fanfic to another, see you ao3! (if you're planning on posting it, haha) A thousand blessings!
Yay!!
Woooo! Congrats!
That's so awesome!
Ah, that's great! And prolific! Whats the fandom, if you don't mind my asking?
MCU! It helps that there's so much material to draw from. I don't know how prolific I'd be trying to draw from one of my more esoteric interests.
MCU is a great fandom! It's big too, so you'll likely get a decent response which is so great for confidence. My fic that I am most proud of and spent the longest time working on is in a tiny fandom so it has <100 kudos on AO3 (which suuuuuucked at the time) but my MCU one which I kind of hate has >1000 which made me feel great.
If you feel comfortable will you share a link so we can read it when it's ready?
Okay, will do! And you too!
Congrats! I've recently posted a couple works of fanfic (not nearly so prolific as yours, I am in awe of your word count) and the response from readers made me feel like I could do anything. Fanfic readers, if you decide to post and share it anywhere, are the best, most supportive people.
A week ago my mom received a very sudden and shocking diagnosis of terminal cancer. It’s been...a lot. She’s handling it weirdly well and luckily we’re in a good position to handle something like this (good insurance, my job has been great). I’d love any advice from anyone who has been through this before though.
I'm so sorry you, your mom, and your family. I lost my mom at 21 after 4 years of progressive illness and it was awful. My best advice-- we had a great hospice experience, once everyone accepted that it was "the end"-- and I wish we had been able to move her to hospice sooner. The pure focus on her comfort and wishes at the end of life, vs the focus at long term care and hospitals on meds and vital signs made such a huge difference. Also, treat yourself, and everyone else in your family who is dealing with this, with as much gentleness as you can. In my experience, even if you're practically killing yourself to keep life going and to be there for your mom, you are going to feel intense guilt and like a horrible child because you can't do it all. You're doing the best you can, though. I'm so sorry again.
That is really great advice. Thank you for sharing it! I’m so sorry about your mom.
I’m so so sorry your family are dealing with this. It may make it easier that she’s handling it weirdly well — I went through a similar cancer timeline with my grandma (who raised me) a few years ago and while she handled it well, I was a mess. It helped to do the little things she enjoyed—like getting her nails done, or eating a shrimp burger. I listened a lot, reveling in her voice and the stories she was choosing to tell. My uncle and I did what we could to protect her energy, and picked up the decision-making mantle when she was plainly over it (still with us and all there, but over it). And I don’t know about your mom, but my grandma was quirky, so we tried to amplify and nestle into those quirks.
Echoing what other replies say: remember to be very gentle with yourself and those with you all. And let yourself take a break sometimes, for time to yourself. Whether it’s a meal or a drive or a run, try not to feel guilty about preserving a little for yourself. It helped me show up every day ready to ride for whatever my grandma needed. So much love to you and your family.
Thank you! Your grandma sounds like a great lady and you gave her lots of love and care.
It was literally the least I could do, after my whole life. I do wish that I’d taken her up on getting a pedicure with her, though. I was so silly and was worried about how much of her limited income she was going to spend. (Like...what‽‽‽‽)
My stepfather died of pancreatic cancer a couple of years ago, and it was a lot, that is a good way to put it. Everyone else here has given awesome advice, so I will just say this: several people have described pancreatic cancer to me as like the person is standing on the edge of a cliff. They slowly, slowly tip over and over, and it hardly even looks like they're moving, but they hit a certain point and it is just free fall. My stepfather went from "feeling pretty great, hard to believe he even has cancer" to "we couldn't get people to the hospital fast enough to say goodbye" in a shockingly short time. So we didn't actually have all the will stuff done that we needed, and we didn't get to take advantage of hospice, because things weren't in place and it happened too fast. So, maybe just be aware that things can happen really fast?
It’s hard to know what to expect, so thank you. That is ready good to bear in mind. I’m so sorry your family had to go through this as well
Oh, also, I will say that I was scared about having to deal with the hospital stuff and talk to doctors, since I am very non-confrontational and easily cowed by authority. But when something went wrong at the very end and he was not getting the care he needed, I got the kind of adrenaline boost that I assume is what lets people lift cars off babies, and I yelled at people in hospital hallways at 2:00 in the morning until someone woke up a doctor and fixed it. I certainly hope you do not have to do anything like this but I find it reassuring that now I know that I will rise to the situation when needed. I'm so sorry for you and your family.
Good for you!! I hope I'll be able to channel that same energy if needed
Be there for her. I don’t know your mom or anything like that, but my mom handled it well until she didn’t, and she spent more of her last couple months in the hospital than out. If you have siblings that live nearby, that helps a lot. Don’t overextend yourself, find ways to engage in self-care wherever you can get them, but just make sure that you’re there, in open communication with her medical staff (nurses, surgeon, oncologist, whoever), and putting her needs and desires first. Centering her will come naturally, but I was surprised how receptive the medical staff were to communication. You’ll likely have to get used to instigating it though. Other than that... hold her hand. Talk. Cry. Laugh. Watch dumb movies. This is all you get with her, and when it’s gone it’s gone.
Thank you! It’s definitely a gift in a way to know that our time with her is finite so we can make the most of it, although it doesn’t make it easier. I’m so sorry about your mom but really appreciate the advice (I think dealing with hospitals will definitely be an acquired skill).
It definitely helps being open with people about it, so they know what you're going through and how to support you, which it sounds like you're already better at doing than I was. I was 18 when my mom was diagnosed and 21 when she passed and even though I was of course old enough to understand and know and all that, I think now part of me felt that if I didn't talk about it to anyone and didn't acknowledge it, it would all just quietly go away and life would go back to normal. I also didn't want pity or for people to look at me different, but you can't control how other people will react, hard as that was to accept. I am much, much better at dealing with it and talking about it now, but college would have been a LOT better if I had been more open then, with friends, roommates, professors, family.... the school assigned therapist... My heart goes out to you and your family, and if you'd like to talk more through another means, let me know.
I feel like I could have written this! So true-- I spent college being such an expert in denial and pretending that things were fine, and it was so unhealthy! Talking about death makes people SO uncomfortable, and people do want to avoid it, but you need to find your people who will let you share your grief with them.
Yes! It was so hard at that juncture of being independent and wanting to feel like an adult who can handle anything on their own, but then being faced with this huge thing you can't fix or control at all that makes you feel so small... it sucks! But having people on your team makes everything better so find them!!
Oh gosh, you were so young to lose your mom. I’m so sorry. I think I would have been completely the same at that age (one benefit of being in my 30s now). It’s hard to talk about it, but it has been really great to see how supportive people are and willing to show up for us.
I'm so very sorry, and sending love to you and your family. We lost my Mom over the course of about 6 months when I was 19. I was in school, and lucky enough to be able to just take a leave of absence. I'd say take full advantage of your job offering you time off/flexible scheduling/etc., both so you can be with her when she's meeting with doctors/caretakers, and just enjoy some random hang-time outside of medical environments.
As Kelly mentioned below, hospice was absolutely wonderful. I wish we'd called them in sooner, but, my Dad had a very hard time realizing there wasn't going to be any getting better. I'd also suggest using the resources of social workers and therapists her medical team may be able to refer you to (I did not but really wish I had!). It's just hard, and there are so many big, complicated feelings. Do your best to enjoy your time together, and remember that it's healthy to give yourself breaks and take care of your own needs. If you have a close friend who you can organize something like a meal train or other ways people can help (housecleaning, etc.), call them into action! People really do want to help, but they don't know how, and it can be a lot of mental energy for you to come up with the tasks and farm them out. Sending so much love your way.
Thank you - really great advice! I am so glad you were able to take a leave of absence and be with your mom.
Currently dealing with my mother's husband's pancreatic cancer. One thing that I was not prepared for was all the complications that can come with it because the body does weird things. Also really working with an organization that is focused on quality of life. He was having a lot of pain and when they finally got that under control, it was so crucial to his state of mind. He's a very difficult patient, so we try to get him to focus on little wins and give him a lot of positive reinforcement when he gets up and does stuff around the house. He always feels better when he makes the effort to move around.
I hope she is kept comfortable and finds peace. And take time for yourself to process. I used TalkSpace in the beginning and was matched with a therapist who's wife was a cancer survivor. So so useful.
I’m so sorry - my heart goes out to you guys. She actually has pancreatic cancer as well (the best kind!) and has already had one major complication that led to her diagnosis. Unfortunately I am sure there are more to come. TalkSpace is a really good idea - thank you. I wish the best for your family
We are going through this now with a different disease. I have no advice having not come out on the other side yet, but I will be thinking of you and your family! Remember it's a marathon, not a sprint and you all need to make sure you are supporting yourselves. In the process of this I've noticed that as a support person, it has been difficult to get support of my own so it really has become crucial to make notes about drinking water etc and having someone I can randomly text to vent at who is less adjacent to all of this. I hope your family stays strong and supported and I'm so sorry this is happening for you guys <3
I’m so sorry - all my best wishes to you and your family. It’s so tough! Thanks so much for the advice.
I'm so sorry about your mom. No advice from experience, but just--be as gentle with yourself as you can, please? You deserve good care, too.
I won a "best presentation" award at yesterday's conference! It apparently comes with a $500 award, but I'm more excited about the free conference swag: a Lego set that builds an evaporator (tool we use in the lab a bunch).
Lego made a special set just for my old company and that was THE thing to use as a prize to get people to participate in things around the office. Lego is AWESOME!
That is so awesome! Congratulations!!!!!!!
I've been having increasingly awful nightmares, often related to a relatively long-ago sexual assault, with increasin frequently and I just signed up to participate in a research study about treating PTSD and I'm very nervous but also proud of myself for getting over 9 years of accumulated calcification and leakiness of bad memories and fear and deciding (admittedly, For Science) that I deserve to talk to someone about what happened and get treated and stop having it hanging over my subconscious quite so aggressively.
Good luck with the study! You deserve peace and sleep and we're all behind you <3
Good luck! You are being SO SO brave and you do deserve to talk about what happened to you, safely and with someone who will treat you with care.
Congratulations being able to reach for help, that's really so great.
Good luck and congrats for doing something about it!!!!! You absolutely deserve it! I know the feeling of sleep feeling like a violent acid trip instead of rest, and it's the worst!
my sister and i just impulsively started a new twitter at @ifthenrecs to recommend books / movies / music based on stuff you’ve liked (in the “if you like X, we think you’d like Y” format). i’m v excited to put all my pop culture feelings in one place! also i get to see ready or not today, on friday the 13th 🙌
Following you as that sounds fun.
Ready or Not was really good! I am a big scaredy cat so I was a little worried about it going in, but I laughed my ass off the entire time. May the Adam Brody renaissance continue!
okay is is very reassuring bc i am going ALONE and am a total scaredy cat!
Oh, this sounds fantastic!
ah thank you!!
i work on an organic farm and one of my jobs is drawing a joke or visual pun or reference within a reference on the sign we take to market (example: "JOI CHOI DIVISION" ft that album art, a variation of that "is this a pidgeon?" meme)
and the signs have become kind of a Thing among the other vendors / market regulars
but this week i was TIRED
and my boss let me get away with writing a parody of "This Is Just To Say" instead of drawing the yellow submarine art but with a golden zucchini in place of the sub, bless him.
"I did not draw
the joke
that was meant
for this market sign
and which
you were probably (?)
looking
forward to
Forgive me
our produce is still
so good
and so fresh. "
idk why the line breaks got wonky. also i'm @ludgrump on insta if you want visual updates re: farm shenanigans
Hi everyone, I'm on the mend from strep throat and have a glorious weekend of No-Plans ahead of me. After several weeks of overstructure, it's refreshing.
Also, after a particularly fraught urban walk last night, I've decided to acknowledge this spring's autism diagnosis with a good pair of noise-cancelling headphones. My birthday is coming up, so it's doubly appropriate. It's nice to be able to accept my neurodiversity at my own pace; I sought the diagnosis, so it's not like it was shocking, but I've had a hard time believing it because of all the masking I've done over several decades.
I’ve resisted pursuing a possible formal diagnosis for a long time, but I know there’s something there. The problem is that most of the coping strategies and defenses I’ve developed seem to make me pretty difficult to live with.
CPSTD can factor in too for adults on the spectrum. I'm pretty sure I have that going on as well. Pete Walker is a good person to read on the subject. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/20556323-complex-ptsd
I bought a pair of sony WH-1000XM2 last year and they are life changing. I'm neurotypical but they still really help me with public transport and flying. Highly recommend. Also feel better!
Ah!!! I got the Bose Quiet Comfort-- a used, slightly older version, although still supposeldy The Ultimate according to all customer reviews I read -- and it really isn't very great at filtering out the roaring train and bus noises of my Boston area commute. It has me wondering if somehow the public transportation here is somehow abnormally loud? I would LOVE them if they worked
I'll see if I can find them ... I'm in Chile and am leaving soon, but electronics stores abound here.
I bought them on Amazon on their black friday sale. (Also I lived in Chile ten years ago! Fun coincidence.)
yeah... shipping here is ... interesting, although maybe with Prime it's somehow doable. I'll check.
I shipped them to a friend in the US since I was visiting for christmas (I now live in Australia and shipping to here is just... ridiculous)
I don't know when I'm going back to the States, unfortunately. Shipping is in fact a complete nightmare.
My anniversary is tomorrow and spouse and I took today off for a long weekend! It's great!
I got paid today, so I finally have enough cash to buy some fabric to make a quilt for my aunt who is very sick, so I am feeling very grateful this morning. I hope y'all are having a good Friday the 13th/harvest moon too!
I am a magician who works with sick children in the hospital (we perform bedside magic for kids with anything from cancer to car accidents). I am chairing the annual gala / benefit today and we haven't sold enough tickets. I'm really stressed about it so please send vibes for some last minute donations / ticket sales!!
if you are interested in learning more! openheartmagic.org
I have a soft spot for magicians <3 donated!
That is so kind of you!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you and have a great day!! :)
My good friends had their baby! They are very cute and have the chubbiest cheeks (parents requested they/them for the time being). I, however, am trying very very hard not to slide into a depression hole. I can feel it yawning and so I'm like Outdoorsing! Cooking healthy! Cleaning the house! Taking a walk! Interacting with other humans! as hard as I can. How do you avoid a looming depressionhole?
that sounds like an overwhelming amount of activity, and I do the same kind of brainstorming, so you're not alone! For me, a quick conversation with a reliable friend, a walk in nature, a trip to a good bookstore ... anything not too stimulating ... can help. Trips to cat cafés are good too.
There is a cat cafe in my city, that's a lovely suggestion.
enjoy :-)
September always gets me so I feel you. Other than what you are doing I recommend yoga in whatever form you can do it and as much time with animals as possible. (presuming you are not allergic or afraid)
Same as you do, cooking some elaborate stuff, cleaning the house and napping in the grass. Going to the hairdresser can work wonders as well, if you are able to!
also, best of luck to you! you can do this, you've gone through it before :)
thanks for the luck! And i love the idea of cooking something elaborate, so it feels like a big ol' accomplishment.
I feel this; I'm feeling great right now, but I can see the clouds of seasonal depression gathering on the horizon, so I'm doing everything I can to prepare for it. I've written myself a script of rational arguments against my usual depression thoughts, made a list of small acts of self care (text a friend just to say hi, go for a walk, wash the dishes, cook a healthy meal, etc), and am figuring out ways to counteract the patterns I fall into.
Ex: I tend to withdraw and isolate myself, which only makes things worse; socialization and exercise make me feel better, but it's too easy to just stay home and lay in bed. So now I'm trying to go to my rock climbing gym directly from work, where I can heat up some dinner and do some schoolwork in the lounge, get in some exercise, and interact with my friends.
Ahhhh I hate when you can feel it coming! Your organisation and preparation sounds like great planning. I also isolate and withdraw. I don't have any close friends in this city and that has made it easier for me to isolate.
The Highwomen album, anyone? I feel like part of me may finally Get country music.
Been playing it NONSTOP. Long-time, hardcore country fan here, and the album feels like a targeted attack to be honest.
That's how I feel! I love Americana/folk/twangy rock/bluegrass but never felt like I resonated with mainstream country. I feel like they came for me.
Favorite song? I SOBBED and was furious about doing so first time I listened to My Only Child, decided I would skip it forever, and now I am listening to it multiple times a day.
"Don't Call Me" is still getting repeated playbacks a day, but "Crowded Table" is slowly moving up the ranks.
HA, I can't listen to Cocktail and a Song all the way through because it gives me too many Dad Feelings! Cannot.
I already loved Dolly and a few other bits and pieces of country music, but I appreciate so much that the Highwomen are saying that there’s a world out here that mainstream country music has been missing. Their Newport performance and Brandi Carlile’s many collaborations there were all so great.
I got it yesterday and listened to it in the car and had to pull over and sob for a bit and it was in just the BEST ways and now I want to send it to all my female (and male too, really) people in life and yes, wow - it's very good.
If you ask Alexa to play it, she will play The Highwaymen, which...of course.
There's lots of ugh work stuff happening and I'm just e x h a u s t e d by all of it, so I'm trying to focus on the positive:
- MAC has a new line of lipsticks called Love Me that aren't as matte and dryifying as their other lipsticks, so I obviously went out and bought a new red immediately. I like it a lot so far!
- I live alone and near so many takeout places that it plays havoc on my bank account (and general diet), so I finally got a meal box subscription and I'm excited! I get the first one on Monday.
- Tell me who are the men you personally find attractive on (currentish) tv shows? The only ones I could think of on the spot were Fleabag's Hot Priest and Grantchester's Hot Vicar. My friends couldn't really think of anyone else either. (I can, however, think of loads of women I find attractive.) Where are all the hot men???
I'm pretty much attracted to everyone on the Good Place, just watch the episode where Will Jackson-Harper takes his shirt off in a sprinkler ;)
The Good Place and Thor Ragnarok were created because God loves bi+ people and wants us to be happy
Never forget attempt #218
Every time I see Cate Blanchett in Thor, I contemplate dying my hair a rich brown and changing my entire wardrobe to black and green.
I would also HIGHLY recommend The Big Easy for bi+ folks. I would not recommend watching it during your adolescence while sitting next to your mom.
I didn't see it, but I'm still bummed that the Bisexual Men in Black movie didn't seem to be very good. (I do fondly remember cracking up at Nicole's description of her bisexual tickets for the bisexual movie.)
Still fairly convinced that Manny Jacinto was chiseled by the gods.
Co-sign
Tom Ellis on Lucifer and Andy Samberg on Brooklyn 99.
Andy Samberg is my platonic ideal (cemented his status when he married Joanna Newsom).
Just here to say everyone on Lucifer is so beautiful I can't take it
Karl Urban on The Boys (Amazon Prime) just keeps getting hotter every year.
Yeah I don't understand how Karl Urban was forged but I am 100% here for it.
Oooh, he IS hot. I need to watch that show.
He's the only good part of the show, and he says a metaphor about the Spice Girls that almost 100% makes up for the meh of the show.
I'm watching Black Sails at the moment and holy hell, Toby Stephens as a bloody, dirty pirate does things to me.
Toby Stephens is hot angry dirty pirate magic, yes, very much so.
I started watching Superstore because of Ben Feldman and Kim's Convenience because of Simu Liu. My he-yummy meter has a wide spectrum when it comes to body types, but great eyes get me almost every single time.
I AGREE TO BOTH! As Above So Below was a doodoo movie but Ben Feldman is very nice to look at. It's the hand/forearm situation that does it for me. Could not explain why. Kim's Convenience gets me right in the Toronto feels (husband is from Toronto, we love that city very much) and both Andrea Bang and Simu Liu could get it.
I've liked Ben Feldman since I happened upon Drop Dead Diva and I enjoyed Simu Liu's recent MCU related Twitter life
I've been rewatching Rome and Carnivale (the two best shows HBO has made, don't @ me) and
1) with the exception of the lizard man, every single person on Carnivale could get it and
2) Titus Pullo does things to me I cannot explain
OMG Rome! Indira Varma and Kevin Kidd whew, what a couple
Indira Varma yes, Kevin McKidd no. As a couple they always confused me, but TBH I think a big part of that is Vorenus is just a shitty husband. Also: he has no eyebrows. I need eyebrows.
Yeah, they were a terrible couple! I just really like him
My husband, who is pretty straight, has more than once opined that Kevin McKidd could get it.
We talked about Carnivale last night...SUCH a good show!!!
Ray Stevenson is a beautiful man and a good actor and I don't understand why he's not Clooney level famous.
The bearded lady on Carnivale could so get it.
- Succession's Tom (Matthew Macfadyen will always be Mr. Darcy in my mind.)
- Mindhunter's Jonathan Groff (his sweet baby face and boy can he sing) and Holt McCallany (watch him speak french in interviews and prepare to swoon)
- Stranger Things' Steve and Hopper
- As others have said, The Good Place (though I'm more in it for Ted Danson because I fell in love with him as a child watching 3 Men and a Baby)
- This is Us Jack Pearson (because who isn't in love with Milo?) and Randall (Sterling has the BEST smile)
- Grey's Anatomy usually has a few hotties, but there's no way you can make me watch that dumpster fire of a show anymore.
Ooh Hopper. So gruff. Although seasons 2 and 3 have kind of taken the shine off (halfway through season 3). I also love how Billy is so sexy despite the most ridiculous hair I've seen on a TV show in many years.
Ah I forgot about Billy! Dacre Montgomery is a dreamboat.
Groffsauce! and Mr. Darcy... that is all.
Groff!!! Though Anna Torv is the ultimate hottie in that show.
Everyone on Billions is attractive. Men, women, pets, even the gross ones are hot because the writing's so good. I've been mad about Damian Lewis since Band of Brothers but he excels at being gorgeous in this.
I need to start watching that! I love Damian Lewis all the way from Band of Brothers and Life, which is optimum Damian Lewis. (He's also great in The Forsyte Saga but plays a horrible dude.)
Life is the shit. That was a perfect show. At least once a day I take a deep breath and think, "this is the world." He just does quiet menace and manic joy so well.
Life was perfect. I should rewatch it.
Oh my GOD thank y'all for reminding me I own Life on DVD and must rewatch it IMMEDIATELY.
NO ONE wears a suit like Damian Lewis. Not a lot of suit-wearing in Billions but plenty in Life. He's so much hotter than you think he's going to be.
If you can handle some teen apocalypse shenanigans, Bob Morley as Bellamy Blake on The 100 is...a lot.
Co sign
Omg, Hot Vicar all day!! Also, Poldark when he's scything shirtless. David from Schitt's Creek also just Does Something for me - I think it's the eyebrows...
Poldark hasn't scythed anything in ages, it's a crime. Yes on David because I'm also very much an eyebrow sexual. See also: Lee Pace.
So I only watched season one, and it looked like S2 had a sexual assault storyline that honestly chilled me just to read on Wikipedia... but I thought Dan Stevens' main character on Legion was real hot. I am also gross and very attracted to Marc Maron's character on Glow.
(I love a disheveled man.)
Oooh, what red did you get from the new MAC line?
Give Me Fever! I also really like the orangey red but have no idea what that was called.
Thank you!
Tommy on The Crown.
Kash on the 4 Weddings And A Funeral TV series on Hulu. Hot and great chemistry w Nathalie Emmanuel, who is also hot, in my view.
Been going through it a bit lately, for no real reason really. But I keep getting stuck in the rut of “no one will ever love me because I’m worthless and ugly” and am struggling to rationalize with myself about it. Just needed to get it off my chest
It can be so challenging to get out of that place. The fact that you want love in your life so much that your brain is beating you up about it just shows what a beautiful, deeply good and worthwhile person you are. I hope you can be as gentle with yourself as you would be with someone you love who felt desperate or scared or unworthy. Sending hugs.
You are a lovely human and so worthy.
Sending you some sunshine this morning. I bet you’re awesome.
I get there still sometimes, even with a loving husband and supportive mom. It's rough, but you're beautiful and worth it, and I hope you get there soon
I hope some sunshine comes to you today, friend. I'm glad you're here.
That is such a hard one. When I end up there, I try to remind myself that people don't have to be pretty to be worthy of love. If I practice that compassion for other people, sometimes I can direct it for myself. Hugs.
I'm in a BOOK FUNK at the moment and would love some recommendations! For what it's worth, here are the last five books I've really enjoyed: How To Do Nothing: Resisting the Attention Economy (Jenny Odell), The Western Wind (Samantha Harvey), The Bride Test (Helen Hoang), and Pachinko (Min Jin Lee). Also, I've started a 2.5 hour commute (each way) once a week and I would LIKE to read on the train more but I never know whether to bring heavy bulky books I know I'll love or lightweight paperbacks!
N.K. Jemisin's Broken Earth trilogy got me out of a book funk. It was so good
Oh, hell yes. Her earlier Inheritance Trilogy is also really good.
I really liked those as well! I love her writing so much
She's got a new trilogy in the works, and I'm so excited. Her short story collection, How Long 'Til Black Future Month, is also phenomenal.
That is on my to-read list, as is the Dreamblood Duology. I also recently saw that a 5th Season TV show is in the works-- I am sure it will be awful compared to how amazing the books are, but I will watch it anyway!
Oh god, yes.
Also, the audiobooks for these are GREAT if you end up on a train where you can't always get your book out.
Jasmine Guillory’s three books (The Wedding Date, The Proposal, and The Wedding Party) are great!! Romantic, hilarious, charming reads. I’m in the middle of the wedding party right now and I’m forcing myself to only read it a chapter at a time so I can enjoy it longer! Also all three are lightweight paperbacks what would work well on the train. I just finished Fleishman is in Trouble by Taffy Brodesser-Akner and it is incredible. A really interesting set of characters, sharp prose, and the tension builds and builds and builds, especially the last 50 pages or so. The ending gave me chills! Lastly, if you have any interest at all in cooking or poetry, I would recommend midnight chicken and other recipes worth living for by Ell Risbridger. It’s gorgeous, and makes me cry in a good way every few pages. Good luck with your book funk!
Would agree on Jasmine Guillory, also Alisha Rai, some Christina Lauren, some Rebekah Weatherspoon, Alyssa Cole... Depends a bit what set-ups work for you.
Who doesn't love Rafe?!
Right? I only caveat because a couple of her books are darker.
That's good to know! I have Rafe on my ebook wishlist, so if I get it and like it I'll be aware that her other books can be darker and go in prepared.
I'd say most of her books lean fluffy, Haven and Sanctuary are a bit darker, and if kink isn't your jam, I'd skip the Fit series.
Ohh those are good recs, thank you! I've actually read all Jasmine Guillory's books (I actually thought her most recent was the best but all were enjoyable), but maybe I will seek out Fleishman, and definitely Midnight Chicken (which I've heard lots of good things about). Ty!!
If you liked Helen Hoang, you might also enjoy The Right Swipe. The Ladies Guide to Celestial Mechanics was a stunner-it's gorgeously written, it is a mainstream, mass-market female/female romance (maybe the first?). It also happens to be a passionate defense of women's work-easily the most actively feminist romance I've read in a long time, without being anachronistic (the heroines are modeled on real people!).
I finished Red, White, and Royal Blue this week and I need everyone to read it immediately. It's a queer rom-com set in a version of our world in which everything is just slightly less screwed up than in reality. (Female president! No Brexit!) The premise is that the US First Son and a British prince fall for each other and shenanigans ensue. It's very charming, nerdy, and sexy.
I have it on hold at the library and it is available soon and I cannot wait!
I loved this book so much, I am already rereading it!!!
Okay, no one is more surprised by this than I am, but all of the books that the Jenna Bush book club has picked have been really great. She's highlighting mostly (all?) first time women writers, and their voices have all been really unique and wonderful. If you had told me in 2000 that I would one day be in the Jenna Bush book club and Donald Trump would be president.......
I love my Kindle for the whole reading-on-the-go thing.
Seconded! I was so resistant but now it's all I'll take in the bath after one too many waterlogging incidents. Plus as the kid who always brought a backpack of books on vacation, it's changed the game.
The newest Paperwhite is even waterproof!
That's what I have!! I love it
I think the heavy vs light thing depends on 1) how good the book is, and 2) how far you have to walk to/from the station on either end carrying said book (s). I've been looking for recommendations myself, lately, so don't have any titles to drop here, sorry.
I read a TON (for work and pleasure) and one of the absolutely best books I've read in years is "Circe" -- cannot say enough good things about it!
I don't think I'd read a book all in one day since the early Harry Potters, but last weekend I sat down to start Linda Holmes' Evvie Drake Starts Over and didn't put it down until it was done. It would probably be a great train read - it's (figuratively) fairly light and an easy read but real, complex characters. (Just don't miss your train stop, because that would be totally possible with this book)
HUGELY recommend The Monsters of Templeton by Lauren Groff. It's been my go-to book rec for...three years now? Also the Thursday Next series by Jasper Fforde. So fun, and definitely books for book lovers.
Lauren Groff is amazing! I inhaled Fates & Furies via audiobook & got Monsters of Templeton in hard copy cause I heard there were a bunch of characters & that's easier to track when physically reading for me.
I just finished This is How You Lose The Time War by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone and really enjoyed it - it is a SF epistolary romance between two opposing agents (both women) in a war across history and the multiverse. I thought it was very creative (and weird in a great way) and that the writing was beautiful and lyrical. (I suspect the writing style will not be for everyone - it has a literary feel - but I loved it.) I would also recommend Because Internet: Understanding the New Rules of Language by Gretchen McCulloch - non-fiction, a linguistic exploration of online language. I would second several of the romance recs you have already gotten (Alishai Rai and Alyssa Cole, in particular), and I also really like Kate Clayborn, Lucy Parker, and Jackie Lau for contemporary romance.
Because Internet is so GOOD
Definitely seconding This Is How You Lose The Time War. What an elegant, brilliant novel
Third vote for This Is How You Lose The Time War. Absolutely incredible.
I'm currently reading -- and absolutely loving -- The Hollow Kingdom, by Kira Jane Buxton. Zombie-ish apocalypse, told from the point of view of a domesticated crow who loves his person, and humans in general, and who sets out with his faithful bloodhound companion Dennis to try to find out what has happened and how he can fix it. It's beautifully written, often very funny, and more emotionally moving than you might expect a book about a zombie outbreak to be.
If you liked Pachinko I would rec How We Disappeared by Lee Jing-Jing! Seconding Jasmine Guillory, and Sally Thorne’s The Hating Game is great too.
Recently, I've loved:
The Binding by Bridget Collins
The Wanderers by Meg Howrey,
The Calculating Stars by Mary Robinette Kowal (recently won a Hugo!)
Circe by Madeline Miller
and The Dreamers by Karen Thompson Walker.
I hope you find some good books!
Oh, I loved Circe and The Calculating Stars. Madeline Miller's earlier book, The Song of Achilles, is also wonderful. (Just a content warning for Circe -- there is a sexual assault, so keep that in mind if you are sensitive to such things.)
Circe is astonishingly good.
Oh yeah, good looking out! I forgot to include a warning. xx
The Calculating Stars is SO GOOD. As is the sequel.
I LOVE The Bride Test! Highly recommend the bar knuckle bastards series by Sarah Maclean. It starts with wicked and the wallflower!
Been ripping through Three Women by Lisa Taddeo! First book I've loved in awhile.
I've been in Melbourne for two days now, ostensibly on tour/holiday, and I've spent most of it watching Elementary! Lucy Liu is a GIFT, y'all.
LOVE Elementary!!! Best Sherlock/Watson relationship!
An excellent use of time. Her cheekbones are just..... I can't. I can rec you things to do in Melbourne if you need inspiration, tho.
Please! I'd love that! My vague plan is to go do tourist things – museums, galleries, shows!
Alrighty! tell me what kind of things you like and I can get specific for you!
As a preliminary though, the National Gallery of Victoria is amazing, and very easy to get to on public transport. It has a great free collection and also excellent paid exhibits. Right now they have the Terracotta Warriors from China. The Museum is also very good and has cool interactive exhibits. If you like food the Queen Victoria Markets are absolutely worth your time - see the salami vendor in the deli section closest to the fish hall for the world's most hilarious upseller of cured meats. My friend once bought 2 kilos of salami and he had convinced her it would barely be enough. For quirky hipster melbourne things Fitzroy is your safe bet. The Rose Street markets are open on the weekends for a small, artsy market (on Rose street in Fitzroy). Also the laneways in the CBD are iconic - Hozier lane, Degraves lane, etc. Just google melbourne laneways for a quick explainer.
If you like food then a Melbourne Brunch is a MUST. It's reliably tipped as the best in the world - coming from people who have lived in London, New York, Italy, etc. The CBD has some great places but they're often PACKED on a weekend. Honestly everywhere is but I can give you recs for specific areas if you like - I ama a brunch fiend.
That's my general advice, let me know what you're after specifically and I can give you more stuff. I love recommending things to do in my city - I moved here in 2015 and I love it so much.
I second all of these things - and if you like to wander, I recommend adding a stroll down Gertrude st, Smith st and Brunswick st in Fitzroy.
Oh this is so awesome! The Gallery and Museum is right next to where we're performing, as is the Queen Victoria Markets! I love me some cured meats, as well.
We're staying in Fitzroy North, so all those Fitzroy things sound really lovely. If there's any brunch places you can recommend around there I'd love it! I want to spend at least a few days sitting by myself and getting through a few books.
Oh ha I live in Fitzroy north. I have so many places for you.
My personal favvvvve cafe in the whole city is a tiny one in the quiet streets of Fitzroy north called Mitte - it's teeny but the food and coffee is great, it's tucked away in a beautiful neighbourhood and the dog watching on sunny days is *chef's kiss*.
http://mitte.com.au/
Second fave is Terror Twilight on Johnson street. Their bowl meals are amaaaazing.
Alimentari on Smith Street is another one of my faves. There's an Alimentari on Brunswick st but the Smith street one is prettier, great for a weekday sit and chill.
Archie's All Day on Gertrude is great for any meal, and their brunch is delicious. Other brunch spots: Blonde Food and drink, Stagger Lee's, Grub Fitzroy, Slowpoke (all on Brunswick street)
Naked for Satan is a cool bar on Brunswick street, they have a rooftop bar. If you want a good pub you can't go past the Fox on the corner of Alexandra parade and Wellington street - they also do great vegetarian meals and will do anything vegan as well. Other fun drink spots: Craft and Co (they make fun gins and other distilled spirits in house), The Gem, Marquis of Lorne, Fiztroy Beer garden, Blackcat.
The Fitzroy north library (Bargoonga Nganjin) has a rooftop garden that is fantastic to chill in, highly recommend checking it out. Edinburgh gardens also is lovely to read and relax in.
Whew! That was a brain dump. I love all these places.
And a fabulous breakfast/baked goods can be found at Dench Bakers on Scotchmer st in Fitzroy North. And if you need a hair appointment, my mum has a wonderful tiny unisex barber shop called Honey Ryder. She’s amazing.
Ok I need a new hairdresser so I just stalked your mum's shop and will probs be making an appointment - the prices are fantastic!
Neighborhood Wine in Fitzroy North is an AMAZING restaurant/wine bar and they do an incredible Sunday lunch (anytime is a good time to go also). I can not recommend it more highly!
Yessssssss this place is gorgeous.
One of the fun parts of twitter is when everyone is discussing a subject you know nothing about, and you continue to scroll on in gleeful ignorance! Sometimes I don’t learn about the kerfluffle for days! Sometimes ever!
I’ve taken the last two days off Twitter entirely, to the point of deleting the app and logging out in my phone browser. It’s giving me some withdrawal symptoms which I’m taking as a sign I needed to do this and it needs to last a while.
I went full autism special-interest on Twitter for Chilean 9/11. While I've started making lists to keep me off the main TL, it would be better if I just took a day break once a week. It's a big news source for me, so it's hard, but it's doable.
It reminds me of the time I played “Last Man” after the Super Bowl and made it until Wednesday afternoon when SLATE of all places ruined it
CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW I WATCHED ALL OF DERRY GIRLS LAST NIGHT AND I WAS SO SAD WHEN IT WAS OVER???
I just finished watching it for the second time and I’m in the same place! I’m not sure what to do, other than start it over again.
Yes!!! Now I want to watch it all over again so that I can see all the things that I might have missed the first time!
WELCOME!
I started an instagram account for my relatively new sewing/historical costuming hobby (@hdotsew) and would love to connect with other crafty (and non-crafty!) folk. Putting myself out there and trying to make new friends definitely does not come naturally to this introvert, but I'm working on it!
This is so cool! I just followed you, and I'm @astronautpants
I do some knitting, but I wish I could sew well!
I requested to follow you, too! I would love to get more into knitting, as well (I've only ever made plain scarves, lol), but I should probably stick to one new craft at time.
I'm not on instagram, but want to get more into sewing and historical costuming! I really like the dreamstress's blog (I think she has an instagram too?) for historical costuming. She has also been posting a lot about doing historical costuming during the climate crisis in a more sustainable manner, which I think is super important right now!
I read her blog, too, and follow her on instagram! I agree the conversation about how to sew/costume sustainably is super important - it's easy to forget the environmental impact when you're making pretty things.
I am not super crafty myself, but I would recommend following @jessicajquirk on insta! She is into historical sewing (?-sorry, don't know the right terminology) and probably could lead you to others as well!
Thanks for the recommendation - her account is great!
I just followed you! I also sew, mostly modern basics now but I started out doing historical costuming!
Your work is lovely (as is your dog)! I definitely want to sew modern clothing, as well, but want to get a bit more practice in before I start on IRL clothes, if that makes sense.
Thanks, your stuff is beautiful too! I love the PJ’s. PJ’s and loungewear are my favorite things to make these days!
I think we are all drawn toward physically comforting items these days... It seems like times are hard for everyone (everyone worthwhile, anyway)!
Yeah, it makes sense! It feels so satisfying to me to make clothes that are just for my own comfort and pleasure and not for anyone else’s consumption.
Totally agreed!
Ahh thank you!
FINALLY watching the Derry Girls, and wishing I lived in the same town as my Catholic high school girlfriends. Instead, I’m watching with my 14 year old daughter and that’s it’s own kind of fun. Loving every minute of it!
New mom here. My wee babe is almost eight weeks old, and while things have gone pretty well so far, I’m struggling with being preoccupied that something terrible is going to happen to her (is this just what parenting feels like? Maybe.) I can’t stop vividly imagining bad things happening, for example, that when I drive with her we’re going to get into a horrible car accident, and things like that. Does anyone have any tips or resources for helping to address or calm this kind of thing?
Seconding all of the above to talk to your doctor. It might not feel like it right now, but you've already taken a big step just realizing that something's off. I had a very similar experience when my son was born, didn't at all realize what I was feeling wasn't normal, and thankfully a questionnaire at a followup appointment alerted my doctor. (Medication was a big help for me, though your mileage may vary, of course.) Also, if you are the kind of person who is helped by knowing that other people are facing up to similar issues as you and there aren't in-person groups in your area, there are quite a few Facebook groups where you can find support. "Postpartum Support International" was a good one for me.
Talk to your doctor about this-- it's a pretty classic way that post partum anxiety presents itself, and they have heard this a million times and know what to do to help you. Sometimes, even just deploying cognitive behavior therapy strategies can reel in these intrusive thoughts, very quickly. (Not everybody needs meds!) Get some help-- this is not what parenting just feels like, and you can feel better so fast. Sending you and your babe a virtual hug and wishing you wellness.
Thank you! It’s hard to tell from this side what is “normal”, and I keep worrying I’m just being dramatic. I will call my doctor today.
You're not being dramatic-- this is like textbook PPA. You're going to be so much happier getting this under control.
For me the first year of parenting was constantly worrying that my child would die, but it was pretty low level/background. The sleep deprivation doesn’t help. However, this sounds more intense than average to me, especially with the intrusive thoughts. Is your doctor someone you feel comfortable reaching out to for evaluation for postpartum anxiety?
Just in case getting in front of a doctor is going to be a long wait for you (since mental health services can be hard to access) there is a book/workbook called Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life that is an intro to ACT therapy (similar to but different from CBT) that has been really helpful for me in different situations to let go of/not identify with intrusive thoughts. I am not any sort of mental health professional, this is just a personal recommendation
Thanks! I will look into this too.
+1 for talking to your doctor (or a mental health professional). I had intrusive thoughts when I was a new parent and I really wish I'd talked to someone about it. It eventually went away, when my kid was old enough to be merely hurt and not actually seriously damaged if I dropped him, but it would have been so much better not to have to wait them out.
Thanks. I am going to reach out to my doctor today.
Just want to second the others saying this doesn’t sound typical. I’d agree it’s worth a follow up visit with your OB or a mental health professional. Sending you and your lil nugget all of the love ❤️
Honestly, what helped me get over that was looking back at how dangerous and reckless things were when I was a child and realizing I made it to adulthood.
Does anyone have any advice about getting OUT of a challenging, debilitating major depression? It's my FIRST TIME and it's been going on for over a year (and yes, weekly therapy is helping but is it?). I am switching medications today but I am having a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel - I can still remember like, wanting to do things on weekends but I look forward to Fridays now because I can just collapse.
(for that matter if anyone has any good Netflix recommendations for the weekend, I'm almost done with iZombie and need something to zone out to that has the same level of quirk/smart/not too thinky/not too funny/dark humor welcome - any takers?)
Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries is leaving Netflix soon and is a delightful, lighthearted murder show off three seasons that I would recommend people binge before it goes. She's a Lady Detective (as in landed Gentry, not just as the woman version of detective) who works with the local Police Inspector, Jack (lots of sexual tension there) to solve crimes in late 1920s Australia.
Love Miss Fisher! And I think a trailer for the movie just dropped.
I think that's switching over to Acorn for all Americans. They have a new movie out soon that will be shown there + the 60s spinoff show.
Oh, I love Miss Fisher!!
Thank you! I'll try to catch before it goes, or get on Acorn (which is overdue frankly) if I miss it
If you can, taking extra good care of yourself sometimes helps. Taking an extra long shower, or just flossing and washing your face on the weekends, doing a face mask & painting your nails, making your comfort food, etc. Just something small and do-able. Sometimes getting a new haircut helps me. Also finding some sort of small, relatively mindless craft you can do while binge watching, like crochet or coloring, because then you have something tangible you can look at and be like 'I did that, I am not a complete waste.'
For what it's worth, The Great British Baking Show has been immensely beneficial to me. It's a bright, cheerful little spot when I'm *really* depressed (I have dysthymia, which means I'm pretty much always depressed, at a mid-level range but sometimes I dip even lower) and when I have a bad anxiety spike, which I sometimes get thanks to depression, watching a single episode really helps soothe me and I'm then able to proceed with a clearer, less anxious mind.
Oh, yes! Also the first season of the Big Family Cooking Showdown -- there are two seasons, but they changed the format a lot for the second one, and it isn't as good. The first season is just lovely though.
I love this list: http://www.bitchesgetriches.com/our-master-list-of-100-free-mental-health-self-care-tactics/ (it's from a personal finance blog, but it's great). I'm not sure if it's what will get you out of a depression, but picking a random thing off the list on Saturday afternoon may help.
It's older, but I like Pushing Daisies.
Any Mike Schur show? I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch. I hope you find equilibrium soon. Until then, I try and make my bed every day. It seems like a small goal, except for the days when it's a big goal. But it's also a nice way to start my day and makes getting into bed feel somehow intentional and a bit of a treat. (It's advice from my favorite grandma who had to bury a son and is obviously still grieving him.)
Hang in there, we're cheering you on!
*raises hand* another daily bed maker. keeps me from getting back in it and I also love order...it helps set the tone for the day even if it's downhill from there L O L :/
I am honestly right there with you on the depression. I'm Bipolar II, so I've been dealing with depression cyclically since high school. Therapy has helped me, but it's a really slow process. Also, finding a therapist that you like who also actually treats you can be a s t r u g g l e. I spent over a year in therapy with a woman I really liked, and felt comfortable talking to, but she didn't really give me any feedback or challenge me to change any patterns of behavior. It felt like a wasted year. But! Everyone has different needs and finding what works for you can take time, but will ultimately be worth it.
It's so frustrating that to find the treatment you need, you typically have to expend so much energy when you have the least of it. My advice on going out again is start small and don't push yourself too hard. Maybe invite a friend over to your place for wine and snacks or have a lowkey trip to a coffee shop. Your energy *will* come back and you can get through this. The recovery can feel like a slog, but you're taking the steps you need to get there. Best of luck to you and I hope you start feeling better soon.
Thank you so much. I have a "type a" personality and I don't recognize myself right now. I really like my therapist but I'm not sure what to expect exactly.
My Dad cycled though I mainly saw his mania (Bipolar I) but he tells me that the lows were low too and it was just easier to treat for him, which mirrors what you say about everyone needing something different. I am very glad that the treatment options have come such a long way since when he was going through it - but tbh it prevented me from seeing someone sooner (ie surely I don't have "real problems; i should just snap out of it") I have to be easier on myself.
Just posting feels like a lot, and everyone is being so generous with their stories and support today. A win! Thank you.
I think self care is vital. It’s always real easy for me to develop bad or unhealthy habits when I’m in a depressive period, and making myself take a shower/go on a walk/etc. allows me to feel a small baseline of success/accomplishment when I would rather stare my ceiling for hours. It won’t bring me out of the depression or make it hit worse, but I definitely think it helps me get back to normal quicker.
If you don’t mind anime, I suggest Ouran High School Host Club and One Punch Man
I’m Sorry is really funny too.
Oh I heard about One Punch Man, thanks!
The small bits of self care are great. I like the idea of taking a small walk.
Lucifer on netflix has a similar procedural/fantasy mix.
OK I loved this show and all of its bad puns and I might rewatch it so help me.
Supernatural might fit that bill.
My mom is a Mary Ellen and I've never met another one. Plus Maria Elena just commented below. Inter-lingual name twins!
Mary Ellens, unite!!
have you tried Wynnona Earp or Lost Girl? They're both funny, dark, and have lots of the monster of the week episodes so you don't have to always watch them super close. Both are Canadian and have great casts and lots of queer relationships.
Seconding Lost Girl! Wynnona's on my to watch list ...
If you liked Lost Girl then Wynnona is a must watch! plus in the latest season there were some very fun cameos by Anna Silk and Zoie Palmer
Fantastic, I haven't tried either! Thank you.
you're welcome! Lost Girl is finished but Wynnona Earp still has at least one more season (hopefully more!)
Check out Ghosted with Craig Robinson and Adam Scott. It got canceled but the eps they made were exactly what you’re describing. Sort of Buffy-esque.
Also loved Futureman!
extremely yes
Oh those two are so darn charming, i'm IN.
Ah I am so sorry. I just got out of one myself by going on meds for the first time, so not much advice here, but from the other side I want to remind you that everyone loves you and you are not a burden! I'm able to have more candid conversations now with the people I was afraid of burdening and oh man they're all so supportive and I wish I had leaned on them more.
Definitely do support doing small things to take care of yourself. Wash your face! Brush your dog! Clean like, a very very small part of your room! And do not do any thing more than that. Just say, oh man I set out to do one thing and I did it! It is not a fix but it will make you feel better.
I really need to make a like, "one box checklist" post-it pad for depression i think!
That's so tough, I'm really sorry to hear it. Glad you're even posting about it--acknowledging it and reminding yourself that there is even the possibility of a light at the end of the tunnel is always half the battle, for me. I know this isn't Netflix, it's Hulu, but if you have it a pretty obvious answer is going back to Veronica Mars. :)
Sending you strength for the depression! FWIW I've started my depression almost 4 years ago and only for the last year have I started to feel a bit like myself and do regular stuff outside work. I'm still under medication. It does get better but there are a lot of ups and downs on the way there so hang on!
Thanks Constance! It actually makes me feel better to hear that it's not just me going through it for so long. Sometimes it feels like "i'm on the upswing!" but then I'm back in bed for hours. I know it's a process but sometimes I'm like "shouldn't I be better by now, I keep going to therapy and NOTHING" even though I know better. It is so weird (for me) to just get up, lay there, force myself into work, and nothing else! Thank you!
I have been there with the depression. For what it’s worth, what finally worked for me was trauma-informed therapy and EMDR. I’m happy to talk to you more about my experience, and I’m
sorry that you are struggling.
Thank you Ellen <3
seconding the 'get one thing done' approach when feeling overwhelmed/stuck. you may find the momentum to do another thing but again start small and no pressure!
My service-y info for the day is that pieces from every collaboration Target has done for the past 20 years (including Missoni) are going on sale tomorrow: https://www.target.com/c/target-20-years-of-design-for-all/-/N-yk9q4?lnk=20yearsofdesign
i NEED the Jason Wu tote with the cat on it
I'm five months pregnant, just had my first appt (has anyone mentioned insurance in America sucks?), and we're all doing great, yay! What's bugging me is before everyone in my house wakes up I get some cuddle time with my 6mo puppy and now my belly is so big he only hangs out for a minute before finding a more comfortable spot.
Has he gotten super defensive of you with other people? Our dog started physically putting himself between my wife and I when she was pregnant with our last child and he still does it three years later.
Yeah! Unless a person walking by has a super interesting dog, everyone on our walks is a "threat" now. He also came and jealous peed by the bed when I was reading to stepson cuz I wouldn't pick puppy up to be RIGHT next to me.
I am currently in my last semester of college and taking a lot of credit hours and applying for grad school and working and am feeling v v stressed about the future and overburdened. I would love and appreciate some good vibes being sent my way. On another note, a high point is that my roommates and I are throwing a Full Moon/Friday the 13th party tonight that I am excited about!
that sounds like a lot – sending you lots of good vibes, you’ve got this ✨✨
Today is my birthday and for the first year in some time I feel pretty positive about the next year.
happy birthday!!
Happy birthday!
Happy Birthday! Here's hoping this next trip around the sun is a wonderful one for you.
I am scheduled to lead the youth group at my church on Sunday morning and I'm feeling anxious about it. Usually my partner does it with me, but he has something else then so I said I'd do it on my own - it's only half an hour and I know all the kids and they like me, but anxietybrain is acting up and making me dread it a little bit. :/
I do have something to look forward to on Sunday afternoon - we're doing a D&D oneshot with our usual group, and I made a new character, a messy-haired cleric sailor named Hawk who calls down storms on enemies and can control water. Pretty excited to play her.
Hawk sounds awesome! Have a great time, and focus on the happy. :-)
Friends, one of my two best friends is moving away (like, half the country away). I am completely devastated. She (and my other friend) make up an extremely large chunk of my support system emotionally and socially (I am very bad at peopling and don't like to make new friends because it's scary). She is one of the main reasons I sometimes actually meet new people and actually do social things outside my apartment. I am sad. I am worried about isolating myself even more.
I don't have anything else. I'm just at loose ends and wanted someone to hear.
I’m so sorry Elyssa. I had a similar situation with a roommate who was my lifeline, and she had to move out for financial reasons. I was devastated. BUT then when she left, I unexpectedly met the love of my life. So I’m hoping there’s a wonderful, magical connection out there just waiting for you. Hugs. <3
My best friends live four hours away from me in opposite directions, and I feel this so much. However, we have a group chat in which we text all the time, we'll organize times to watch the same movie or tv show and then live text about it to each other, we talk when bad things are happening to us/in our heads/to our loved ones, and we try to get together semi-regularly (easier to do when four hours apart than half a country apart). So while that doesn't help with getting out and seeing people in your area (which I am also very bad at), there are definite ways to keep in touch with faraway friends so that you don't feel completely isolated even when you can't be bothered to leave your apartment all weekend.
Oh shoot, my comment double posted and then I tried to delete one and it deleted both! I just said that my best friend also just moved away and it really sucks and I'm sorry. Solidarity. <3
That sucks, I’m sorry. Friends moving away is such a hard life adjustment.
I'm about to leave for a two week long work trip (2 conferences, 2 countries) and everyone keeps expecting me to be excited but I'm just... tired. I know I'll enjoy myself once I'm actually there because I love travelling and I love learning but it's hard to muster the energy right now. Work travel is not as glamourous as people think and their expectations hold me back from being able to actually talk about my stress. Anyone else out there on the road a lot for work? What are you coping strategies and tips?
I find the one thing that keeps me sane during work trips abroad (especially when I'm traveling alone) is to keep one familiar routine, whether it's reading a book or watching a show that exists outside of the experience, whether it's work or holiday. It keeps you grounded and can feel quite meditative!
I was recently abroad for work and what helped for me was to recognize my need for self care and satisfy it. I often pressured myself into touring/going out of guilt, but relaxing when I needed to made the trip so much more enjoyable.
In my old job, I had regular 30 day business trips; it was brutal. My coping strategies: pajamas as soon as I got to the hotel, lots of baths, using Instacart to make sure I would have groceries as soon as I came home, and calling people I love.
I try to do at least one thing just for myself each day when I’m traveling, be it pizza in a robe in my hotel, or a massage, or a walk in the sun - just non-work related time out and a nice thing so I don’t just feel like a work robot
I'm a little stressed as our new festival of London museum Lates events is just TWO WEEKS AWAY! Our team are all flat out, but it's exciting. If anyone think that "Night at the Museum meets Glastonbury" sounds like your cup of tea, check out what's on and come on down: www.emergefestival.co.uk
This looks SO COOL. I am going to try and come! Question though... will there be tickets available on the day(s) at the venues (I swear I read the FAQs before asking)? I've got a friend in town so I'm not sure what our plans will be, but it'd be an awesome option!
Yes, there will be ticket sales at the venues on both nights - it'd be brilliant if you and your mate could come!
As a fellow museum professional, this sounds amazing! Wish I was in the UK right now!
Thanks, it's inspired by Amsterdam's MuseumNacht, which is just brilliant http://www.n8.nl (and has been going for 20 years now!) As a museum professional you might also be interested in our research reports into the impact of museum Lates on the night-time economy: https://weareculture24.org.uk/lates-research/
this is amazing, thank you! We do something similar here in Washington DC with monthly "After Hours" parties at various Smithsonian museums. I love the research, though that is super helpful.
I finished two months of PT this week for migraines. It felt bizarre that I had to go - I'd tried meds, yoga, chiropractor, and they were just getting more frequent (taking advil or excedrin 4+ times a week, had one in June that lasted 5 days). PT was a pain in the ass: it was expensive even after insurance, time consuming, sometimes painful (they were frequently able to reproduce headaches and i tried dry needling which was helpful but scary). I also truly dislike people touching my body, so there was a whole mental aspect I had to conquer every single time and it sucked. BUT.... y'all, I feel so much better, and I feel like I have the tools to keep feeling better, and I am so happy.
Hi everyone!! I have a huge life change that's happening this weekend. I'm finally getting a dog, which has been pretty much my life's highest dream for 28 years. Now that's it's finally REALLY happening though I'm finding myself running through every excuse in the book trying to convince myself that it might not be *~the ideal~* time. I have a lot of dog sitting and walking experience and I know it will be a lot I know it will be a lot different, and a lot better. I know also that there is no ideal time, and i'm trying hard to gear myself up for tomorrow - the day that I always pictured as "the best day of my life" in a way that i think some people think about their weddings or children being born. Now that the day is imminent, I'm finding it hard to convince myself that I'm *ready*. Any encouragement about what joy my new family member will bring, or helpful thoughts about how no one is ever really ready for ANythiNG would be so helpful to hear heart right now but I am struggling!!! <3 thank you so much in advance and happy friday
I was also deeply worried about whether or not I could handle the lifestyle adjustment of a dog when I got my girl - it is a big leap to go from "single + no responsibilities except to yourself" to "another living creature, whom you love more than your life, depends on you for EVERYTHING." Trying to think through all the ways your life will change is really overwhelming and feels impossible! But the beauty of having a dog is that you just... do it. There was a big difference between the anxiety/dread I had about dog ownership and the reality of having a dog, which is that it feels TOTALLY different to care for the actual dog than it does to THINK about caring for the dog. Your life and routines expand and adapt and because you're ready, you just... do it. Not sure if this completely makes sense! But please know you're not alone.
Also the best thing in the world is when my dog rests her head on my feet after I've been gone for too long, as if to say, "stay here a while, please, I've missed you." Your dog may not do the same thing exactly, but they will find ways to love you best and move your heart every day.
My husband and I adopted our dog about 5 1/2 years ago (he's in my little avi) and he is the best thing that happened to us since getting married. Granted, it's a little easier with two people, but honestly - if you've been matched well and chosen a dog that suits your temperament and lifestyle, it won't be a massive adjustment. I do recommend training classes, through a local place or Petsmart if needed, simply because it gives you a way to understand and communicate with your dog better. It's as much for you as it is for the dog. Our little floofer brings so much joy to me every day and it's totally worth rushing home from work to take him outside.
I was SO READY for a pup so so ready and then whoops apparently I hadn’t considered everything. We’ve had her for about 4 months now and I wouldn’t ever change second of it. She’s perfect and wonderful, even while being at times challenging. You get used to the day-to-day changes pretty quickly. I think lots of people make out dog ownership to be easier than it is - you seem to have a great grasp on reality.
I got my first dog pretty through accident/impulse (the words "Oh no, I'll take her in" somehow came out of my mouth) so it was a steep learning curve for me, and surely for my pup, but ooh boy was it worth it. She graced my life for the next 13 years and was a daily source of joy. Honestly, it was a privilege to know her. Caring for a dog is a big step, so your apprehension is understandable, but the time invested (in the daily walks & such) will 100% be worth it!
I went through a ton of doubts. I
have a history of mental illness and hospitalizations and didn't think I'd ever be stable enough. Finally I looked at my local rescue and fell in love with my puggle. It was actually easier than I expected although it does take time to learn each other's schedules and wants and likes. However, the process is so rewarding. Best thing I ever did and led me to get another dogs. That was much harder than I thought because she has some issues, but now I have my pack and am very content.
Hi friends! I have not been loving myself lately, so yesterday I was very kind to myself and my cat and got her an adorable Halloween scratcher/house thing and myself a book (I'm splurging and getting TWO more this weekend because it's "Be Kind To Me" weekend - Ten Thousand Doors of January and the new Etgar Keret). How are you being nice to yourself this weekend?
I watched John Mulaney interviewing Bill Hader at the 92Y https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tk-83o9gQik and it is DELIGHTFUL! Mulaney says three words, and Hader bursts into joyous laughter. Friendship and creative work together is so wonderful and refreshing!
Bill Hader and John Mulaney interviews are my favorite! They are SO funny-I always watch YouTube clips of them on late night talk shows when I need some quick cheering up.
Petty whining, but we are going out of town for a wedding and whoo boy my social anxiety is already through the roof in anticipation. And we're driving down with MIL's husband (stepfather never feels right, they've been married for less time than we have) who is a perfectly nice person but I barely want to be in the car with my spouse for five hours. Thoughts and prayers for no panic attacks in the bathroom mid-reception appreciated.
That sounds like a lot! I hope they clothes you're wearing are comfy and make you look bomb. Take breaks if you need them! Wishing you lots of spoons. <3
I have a spousal obligation event next week, also out of town, and I won’t know anyone there except my husband. Already planning deep breathing and stretching in the bathroom or wherever else I can escape to. Fingers crossed for both of us.
Wishing us both luck!
Hiding is definitely part of my strategy.
I am so ready for the inevitable books and documentaries about the MIT Media Lab as the next Theranos https://www.chronicle.com/interactives/201900910-MITmedialab-food-computer
Sarah Taber did a great thread on this fuckery the other day.
Yes! I appreciated her experience that ties it in to the "oh look what we just invented" ignorance of entire fields the tech industry has, which is infuriating in every case.
oooooooooooh I hadn't heard of this but now I am, too!
Same!!
I just got a baby bearded dragon! She is a cute perfect little angel and I am so excited to watch her grow!! Her name is Pancake.
Hi all! I’ve been lurking here for a while but today seemed like a good time to delurk because I am Going Through Some Stuff and could use good thoughts! Long story short: I was in a PhD program until not too long ago, at the dissertation stage but already totally disillusioned/ burned out on academia for a lot of reasons, and also had been going through a lot of major life stuff, mainly figuring out I was queer during my first year in the program. I finally decided to get out and focus on writing fiction, which has always been my first love. I’m now working retail full time and trying to take care of my mental health while I ease back into writing. For a while it felt like I had things under control financially, but a couple of things that have happened in the last week (insurance fuckery, mostly) have made things more precarious and I’m worried about making ends meet. I probably need to get some kind of second job to supplement my income, but I’m already working a lot and exhausted and I don’t know how to find the time or energy for that. It’s just...a lot right now. And I’m mostly holding it together on a day to day basis, but the constant anxiety about money is wearing me down.
I've been reading WINNERS TAKE ALL about this, which touches on a psychological study of people under financial stress making decisions at a cognitive deficit equivalent to being drunk or sleep-deprived, and while it is ENRAGING, it is also comforting (to me) to feel less alone. I don't know what else help besides feeling less alone (and burning down the system!).
Thanks, that does help! I’m just so resentful of the whole idea that I have to get a second job, but then there’s this other part of me that feels like I’m being entitled by expecting that I should be able to survive on just one job. It’s just all so fucked up!!
It isn't entitled. It's bullshit American life is like this. The end of the middle class is not your fault!
I don't know how long you've been out of the PhD program or if it's still weighing on your mind, but my awesome friend has a project that she started to highlight POC in academia, and then became a vehicle/community to help process her own experience with failing quals, grappling with leaving her program, the insane pressure and gatekeeping and debt involved with higher ed, etc. @phuturedoctors on Instagram - I'm not in grad school and the stories it connects me with remind me that I'm not alone when I'm facing work and life stress.
Thank you, I will check that out! I know that leaving was the right decision for me, but it’s still hard sometimes not to feel like a failure.
Do other people get this feeling when they come home from vacation where everything just seems boring and gray? I'm back from a 10-day trip (South of France, lots of reading by a swimming pool, drinking wine, visiting medieval towns) and my life now seems deeply dull. I hoped to come back revitalized but instead, I'm sad about the boring state of my life. I'm sure it will pass in a few days but I wish this didn't always happen.
Every time I come home from any kind of trip I sit in the Uber on the way home crying, because I'm so depressed by our hoarderish house and wrecked yard. And how we cannot seem to get it together to do anything to improve things. This has gone on for several years now and I"m ready to run away from home.
I follow many travel youtubers and this seems like a very common problem! I think the advice usually boils down to this: start planning your next trip. Even if its just a weekend away to a city in the next state, or a day trip somewhere even closer.
I also deeply love slow-tv type "walking at night" videos where someone records a POV video exploring various cities at night. You can hook up your laptop to a flat screen and visit a place you miss or perhaps get inspiration for the next adventure. This is how cash-strapped me copes with wanderlust, anyway!
I just finished reading Say Nothing, A True Story of Murder And Memory in Northern Ireland
by Patrick Radden Keefe. It is amazing. I've never read about The Troubles in NI before and I think the author did a great job of being as unbiased as possible. It is non-fiction narrative that reads like a thriller. I'm gonna go rewatch Derry Girls now...
Yesss, I read that earlier this year and was so impressed by it. It just made me want to learn even more about the Troubles—all the people and personalities involved were so fascinating.
This week started with food poisoning and ends with a (scheduled) doctor's appointment this afternoon, but despite that, it's been a pretty decent week. I did *not* watch the debates last night, instead I had a delicious rose` cider with a mentor of mine (McKenzie’s strawberry hibiscus rose`, for those who can and wish to indulge). Happy Friday! I hope we all have chill, autumnal weekends. <3
I also did not watch the debates last night. I am 31 weeks pregnant and cannot have a drink, so I'm considering skipping the debates until this kid is born as a form of self-care. Rose Coder sounds delightful-- gonna add that to my list of things to drink post birth.
As someone who hopes she's not pregnant but is cutting back, may I recommend Seedlip? It's the only thing I've found sufficiently "complex" and not just sweet so I can trick myself with a sober g&t!
Oooh! That looks delicious! My go-to has been Q ginger beer, lime, and Black Cherry shrub (which is like, artisanal vinegar mixer? that a little shop near me carries), but I'm going to need to try Seedlip too!
I homemake my own shrubs and they are damn delicious!!
I've been wondering if that's worth trying, so thanks for mentioning it! I'm also pregnant, and have been drinking mail-ordered craft NA beer (with varying success) and club soda, lime and bitters.
There's also a kind of weird brewed tea at Whole Foods that's super hoppy and meant to scratch that beer itch? I tried it and didn't like it because I don't like beer, but might be worth checking out? Comes in a can.
Great job making choices for you!!!!
Yeah, after I got home I took a bubble bath and went to bed. No to the debates, please and thank you!
I hope growing your kid goes off without a hitch!
I am a politics junkie, so I am sure I'll be watching the debates as we get closer, and I read a lot of recaps and analysis, but I just can't handle 3 hours right now! Bubble bath sounds like an excellent alternative!
And thanks! Kid growing is going well so far, but I'm getting towards the end and am SO OVER being pregnant!
IS ANYBODY ELSE READING GIDEON THE NINTH
It's sitting on my to-read shelf now! I sent my partner the Vox review bc of the headline ("Gideon the Ninth is about lesbian necromancers in space. Obviously, it’s perfect.") and he ordered it immediately.
oh now i gotta read it immediately!!!
It is solely responsible for the amount of skeletons in the d&d oneshot i'm running tonight
I am going to get it today!!
I'm fourth in line for it at my library (despite placing a hold for it MONTHS ago) and am completely verklempt with anticipation. I want it so baaaad.
I read it recently and it is so good. I cannot wait till next year and the sequel.
I've been waiting for open thread so I could ask: What charities do y'all donate to? I'm trying to be more regular about donating but outside of local ones, it's so hard to figure out what is actually helping and a good place to send my money. I'm in the US so orgs that help with the border disaster, women's health, or fixing our broken voting system would be great, but mostly I just want to hear about all the great places I don't know about yet (and I'm sure others elsewhere would too).
I don't make much money ($40k/year) but as a person with a lot of struggling friends and family, in a city with a lot of homeless people, and in my personal community surrounded by many artists, I try to give about 10% away a month. This is usually through individual requests, like people on the street* or a friend's crowdfunding for a theater project or a friend of a friend's medical GoFundMe. A couple of years ago I was robbed, and the computer I'd saved up for three years to buy was stolen, and a friend did a GoFundMe for me, so I always try to pay that forward.
*My dad taught me to always carry change and small bills when walking around Chicago, to give to people in obvious need. He calls it "the street tax."
10% is a big deal with any budget! My parents call it "secular tithing".
I like that!
Also bail funds and abortion access funds! I've donated to the Midwest Access Coalition and the Chicago Community Bond Fund https://midwestaccesscoalition.org/ & https://chicagobond.org/
I donate to Medical Students for Choice, which supports medical students that want to learn abortions. Many, many teaching institutions do not teach abortion as part of the curriculum.
Oh, man, nice one! Thanks for the recommendation, and it's such a good idea to keep the pipeline flowing with docs who have the knowledge! I'm adding that to my list.
I'm biased because I was raised in the Mennonite Church but Mennonite Central Committee (global) and Mennonite Disaster Service (US) do really good work providing relief and rebuilding after natural and humanitarian disasters, they stay for the long term, and they don't preach.
RAICES is always a good option for the border crisis, too.
I've donated to a few abortion funds, but happy for recs on women's health in general.
I have Mennonite family in Harrisonburg, VA, and every year I go to their big quilt auction and relief sale, and buy a few quilts and have an amazing time at the WILD auction. The relief sales are apparently regional across the country, and I recommend them to everyone and anyone!
My family is in northern Indiana, and their relief sale is great. A highlight of my childhood.
My husband is a historian and writes about Mennonites. I'm not biased and I completely agree. I got to hear first hand last week about how they got Mennonite Russians out after WWII and to safety in Canada and Paraguay. They do great work.
I donate to my local abortion fund, and the national network of abortion funds has a list of them all or you can donate to them nationally. I try to keep most of my giving locally (largely organizations that work on homelessness) but nationally I give to moms demand action (gun control) and trans lifeline.
I'm in the US, too. I donate to the International Rescue Committee because I have decision paralysis about what else I can do about that whole *waves arms wildly* thing. And Mercy Ships (Africa) because they help people with club feet (which I have).
We give to the Young Center, which pairs children at the border (separated or unaccompanied, but you can guess which they have more of right now) with legal advocates.
I give regularly to the International Rescue Committee, I like that they support refugees world wide and also help with resettlement in the US. They have offices / resettlement programs across the US, so you can donate to your local program or support their efforts all over. And 87% of all donations go towards programs and services (8% for management and general and 5% for fundraising).
Community Bail Funds do excellent work! https://www.communityjusticeexchange.org/national-bail-fund-network
I have a friend who is active in grassroots organizing in Texas; she recommended a bunch of places to me when I asked the same question. For organizing around immigrant women’s health, the National Latina Institute for Reproductive Health. https://latinainstitute.org/en For direct payments to women who cannot afford abortions, the Lilith Fund. https://www.lilithfund.org/ For legal assistance for women being prosecuted/punished because they are pregnant (or trying not to be pregnant), National Advocates for Pregnant Women. http://www.advocatesforpregnantwomen.org/main/about_us/about_us.php
I follow the #transcrowdfund hashtag, and give directly to folks!
Austin Bat Cave (ABC) teaching writing in our most vulnerable schools and publishing the kids work! The last two years have been focused on providing opportunities for young people (primarily students of color) to explore journalism and activism through workshops on op ed writing and more.
They sound like the 826 centers, who help kids write and publish at themed centers like The Pirate Supply Shop in San Francisco or the Time Travel Mart in Los Angeles. I used to always buy a book at their stand at the LA Book Show when I lived out there.
Yes! They’re sister orgs
I absolutely echo the recommendation for RAICES on border and immigration work, I stick to Planed Parenthood and local abortion fund groups for women's health issues, and I still like giving to PBS, because I feel like they give back so much value to all of us. Local bail funds are a new thing to me, but yes, bail is evil and misused and shortsighted and contributes to the absolute plantation prison world we have going on, and must, must, must end.
PBS is so good I just consider it a subscription like Netflix! But it is indeed worth every penny and more.
The Yellowhammer Fund https://abortionfunds.org/fund/yellowhammer-fund/ provides funding and support to people seeking abortions in Alabama! That or a local abortion fund are great places to support.
There's a huge subway strike in Paris an it's wonderful to be working from home sometimes.
i know you said no C&N, but that reminded me of a really good tweet i saw regarding that mess: "everyone has a caroline friend, and if you don't then *you're* someone's caroline" (to paraphrase).
i have always had at least one caroline friend at a time since high school! it is draining! i'm sure i have also been the draining friend at times, but yikes!
I’m really looking forward to this weekend because it has the just the right mix of plans and free time. I’m super excited to try a recent NYTimes cooking recipe for Indian nachos (chips, beans & cheese but also tamarind! Chutney!) with some friends. I usually am cooking just for me so it’s fun to cook something a little more involved with other people. I think the recipe might be from the cookbook Indian-ish which I now have on hold at the library and am very excited to get. Hope everyone has a great food weekend!
The chaatchos! I am so excited to try that recipe too! Maybe I will do it tonight.
This is Incredibly Specific, and I hate to be a debbie downer on a Friday, but I would love to hear from anyone with autoimmune-types of arthritis!! I recently received a diagnosis and I’m still in freak-out mode about what that means, and I don’t know anyone IRL i can ask about it!
hi! i have scleroderma which is not a type of arthritis but is autoimmune and junks up my connective tissues!
On the one hand, I miss Babylon Berlin, and hope it comes back soon; on the other, I probably couldn't handle the emotional overload of having it and Succession on at the same time, so, all for the best.
Hi everyone! After years of IVF I am pregnant and feek super happy and lucky. I remember ages ago in her parenting column Nicole recommended an evidence-based pregnancy book. I can't find the entry now though. Does anyone know, or can recommend something similar? It would really help my anxiety...and my arguments with my wife over drinking coffee. Thanks very much in advance!
Probably Expecting Better by Emily Oster?
Seconding Expecting Better- which made me feel comfortable continuing to drink coffee during my IVF pregnancy. Congrats to you! It’s such a long road dealing with infertility. My son was born 2 weeks ago and pretty much immediately I felt like yep, this was all completely worth it.
P.s. 😭 at your comment. Congratulations on your wonderful new baby ❤❤❤
Thank you so much everyone!!!
No help here but congratulations!!!!!
Thank you!!
Hellooo! I am a new subscriber, excited to be chatting with all of you! I've got a vacation coming up next month to California, which is mostly parks but is going to include one day of driving through Napa Valley and a few days in SF. I am looking for a lunch spot in Napa. I am picturing myself on a porch or patio of a restaurant drinking local wine. From my outside perch I see a scenic view of the valley. The food is good. I bet there is some cheese involved. It's not a fussy fancy place but I feel fancy because of the wine and views combo. Does such a place exist? Please point me!
Any other SF recs welcome for our few days there. <3
Hi! I have lots of Sonoma/Napa rec’s, but for a lunch in downtown Napa with a great view I’d check out Stone Brewing!
Ooh I do like their beers! Thanks!
A swankier option - the rooftop restaurant/bar at the Archer hotel also has killer views
What kind of SF recs are you looking for?
Also any non-obvious tourist tips are cool too! Things about the town you like and recommend, things that are meh and not worth our time, etc.
We are staying in San Leandro but near to BART access so we can get into wherever. We definitely plan to hit Chinatown. We will be there about 3 days. We are planning on one nice high end dinner (although I think that SF high end and our definition of high end might be different ha! we would hope to keep our "nice" dinner to less than $150 per person). We are adventurous eaters and love all kinds of food, so I think the kind of recs I'd love the best are just what are your go to spots or places you love? If you had a friend or family visiting, what would you tell them to hit? We are doing our own research too but there are SO MANY places I love hearing from trusted sources, ha. Of course all of you are trusted. ;)
Oooh ok! There are actually a decent number of options for nice prix fixe under $150 in SF. My favorite recently closed, but I can highly recommend Kin Khao (Thai) and Al's place and Petit Crenn are next on my list and I've heard good things from friends who have been. Burma Love/Burma Superstar are AMAZING and more affordable, and have some excellent cocktails.
SF is amazing for outdoorsy stuff to do-Land's End/Sutro Baths is excellent and if you are adventurous, you can go over the golden gate bridge to Marin/Rodeo beach for some longer hikes. Without a car on the weekend, you can take the 76X muni bus, but that's at least a half day. I've seen porpoises there and my friends have seen whales!
I highly recommend wandering around the Mission, Valencia St is really fun and there are a ton of bookstores. Everyone says that you can't miss a mission burrito, but I'm definitely partial to tacos, and they are excellent around there, and one of my favorite cocktail bars, ABV. There are also some cool mural walking tours of the mission that you could check out.
Embarcadero/pier 39 are tourist traps to be missed (unless you are a fan of places like times sq, in which case go for it).I think SF food trucks are not great these days, but check out off the grid-it's gatherings of different food trucks around the city, and the one in the marina is good, although v crowded.Lot's of good breweries as well!
Check out Eater SF's map-it has a lot of good ones on it. Hope this was helpful-happy to expand on any of these that sound good!
Thank you so much!! We saw the Dominique Crenn episode of Chef's Table so that sounds like a great option. I was able to get us a reservation! woo! We are also definitely interested in the Burmese restaurants as well since we have never had that kind of food! I think we definitely plan on hitting the Mission too :)