My 10-year-old daughter Victoria has been playing softball for five years and competitive travel ball for four. Her team is part of a municipal recreation organization with excellent coaching, which means they are good but not great (and affordable, not financially ruinous like big-time club programs). I have no illusions about her ability -- she is on the small side and socially awkward, due mainly to her diagnosed ADHD, but she works very hard and has become an effective offensive player and an excellent defender. I know this letter is long and will need to be edited, but to be clear, this isn't a question about getting more playing time or harsh coaches.
When she first started and was placed in the outfield, I told her that, even if she would rather be an infielder (who wouldn't, in youth ball?), she would be the best outfielder she could be. We went the the park on off days for me to hit her fly balls and work on her throwing arm, and she became really good at both skills. (At the time, her hitting was a weakness, so I figured the best way she could earn playing time was with her glove.) It worked, and even coaches from other teams gushed about her ability. The problem is, it was still the outfield, and she was lucky if more than one ball in a game came her way, which left her bored. Furthermore, when the coaches want to get the weakest players on the team some playing time, they would be in the outfield (of course), which cut into Victoria's playing time.
When she was moving up to 10u for the fall instructional season, there was some player movement in our organization (we generally had three teams per age group) and she wound up with a different coach. On the first day of practice, when the coach announced that every position on the team was up for grabs, Victoria told him she wanted to catch. (I'm not sure if it was because she saw it as being in the spotlight in front of the stands, or like playing dress-up in all the gear, or because the position is involved in every pitch, but she was enthusiastic about it.) And the coach -- whose daughter was an experienced catcher -- said, "Okay, let's see what you've got." The first weekend we played, when a game turned into a blowout early, he told her to put on the gear. She fell in love with it, and God bless him, he made sure she got plenty of time behind the plate the rest of the season. We started getting her private catching instruction.
The following spring, her previous coaches took her after tryouts, knowing that she had been working and developing as a catcher, and told her (and me) that she would rotate and compete with their catcher from the fall. She was excited to back with her old teammates, and looked forward to it -- until she realized that she was catching in practice, but never in a game until the other catcher took herself out two months into the season. There was no competition. She was in center field every game and really unhappy about it. The entire season, she was only called upon to catch if the other girl took herself out. (To her credit, she continued to play lights-out center field.)
In the fall instructional league, the other girl changed teams, and the coaches told Victoria she would be the number-one catcher, and she was. She played quite well, and was psyched to go into the 2019 season as the starter. Then, just before the season began, one player left the team and another joined it. The new player was a shortstop, and the starting shortstop was the backup catcher (and about equal to Victoria is terms of ability, having the advantage of being bigger, stronger, and the coach's daughter). Suddenly, Victoria was back in center field (with a few random noncompetitive games behind the plate). Her coaches explained to her repeatedly that it was best for the team, because she made the outfield defense so much better. It was true, but very disappointing to both of us. For the second time, she hadn't lost the job on the basis of performance -- she just had it stripped from her.
At the end of the 2019 season, another local organization invited Victoria to come play for a team they were putting together just for a major tournament being hosted in their city. They specifically invited her because they heard she was a catcher and they did not have any experienced catchers, and her star pitcher friend recommended her. We paid the (rather substantial) registration fees and went to the somewhat inconvenient practices because it was an opportunity to get catching time, and she was very enthusiastic about it. Apparently, after we agreed to participate, so did another, somewhat less experienced catcher. After the second practice, I mentioned to the coach how disappointed she had been the previous two seasons about not getting playing time, and the coach's response -- while the assistant coach was running outfield drills -- was, "Well, obviously she's a stud center fielder."
The tournament started yesterday, and, of course, she was in center field. I bit my tongue and figured I would make the best of it. She made a running catch of a fly ball and walked, stole a base, and scored in her first (and only) time at-bat. Then, as the game became a bit lopsided, she was benched to get a sub some playing time (outfielders you know?). Victoria was never reentered as the game became a blowout -- the sub got three at-bats and dropped an easy fly ball (although she recovered to throw out the runner at second). I was pissed off and angry -- this is a tournament that gives prestigious individual awards for offensive and defensive players, and you can't win those from the bench -- and Victoria knew it. I didn't say anything to the coach, because I don't want to be that parent. But when her team wins big, I want my kid to have the opportunity to contribute in a significant way. I had a beer at lunch, and calmed down before we had to reconvene for an evening tournament event where each coach chose four players to represent the team on the field with professional ballplayers. However, when I saw the list of players from our team, I melted down. There were three legitimate choices, and the girl who was subbed in for Victoria. I didn't think Victoria should be out there -- she didn't have the chance to contribute more, after all -- but the kid who struck out twice and botched a play was being recognized?! I basically threw my kid in the car and headed for home. She convinced me to turn around and bring her back because she was worried that her non-presence would negatively affect the coach's decisions and she didn't want to let down her teammates. (So, my kid is a better human being than I ever will be.)
Here is my problem: I am dealing with a lot of rage and frustration at seeing how much time and effort my kid puts into catching, and how much time and money I put in, only to have her skill at being an outfielder cost her opportunities to do what she wants. It makes me want to quit softball altogether, but she doesn't, and she is constantly worried that I will force her to quit. (The fact that I angrily verbalize that desire may have something to do with it.) At the same time, when I tell my daughter that she can be anything she wants to be if she works at it, only to have coach after coach tell her "You're an outfielder, deal with it" without giving her anything close to a fair opportunity to be a catcher, I feel like I've failed. She is reaching a point in softball where a lack of game repetitions will really start to disadvantage her if she ever does get an opportunity to compete for a job. Should I just tell her to give up catching and resign herself to being an outfielder if she wants to play (i.e. kill my child's dream), or continue to sink time and money into making her a better catcher (i.e. kill my patience and finances) after getting screwed over so many times? I'm losing sleep over this, because I know that resentment and anger over this stupid stuff makes me a jerk, but I can't help but feel resentment and anger, and I don't want to be a jerk to my daughter.
You can get PRIVATE CATCHING LESSONS for children under 10???? That in itself is TOO MUCH SIR. Maybe your kiddo would like center field more if you calmed the fuck down.
Oh, and great story about the 16 year-old. My extremely conservative mother and stepfather had figured out that they had a Gay on their hands by the time I was in high school. While I was gone for the summer my bedroom was renovated and my door was replaced with... a French door. And directly across from said French door was a giant mirror so you could look into my room from the kitchen or living room.
Spot on, as always. As an elder sibling myself, the one you included in the newsletter (re: 16-yr-old who wants a lock for her door) made my blood boil. I guarantee you the parents have no idea just how pernicious and frequent her "brother barging in on her a lot" is. My sisters and I get on great now, but when I was 16, it was AWFUL. Fortunately, I did get a lock, after much fighting with the parents.
I really thought the softball dad was gonna be the worst but then I got to the biting dad and I really just don't know. Biting? Your own child?? Like... I get the sports dad, I played on a traveling soccer team for a hot minute, I've met him, but the biting? I can't get past this one, y'all.
I couldn't even read the whole letter, it was just oozing with That Guy vibes. Like "My kid is a great catcher but they play her in center" covers the first half! Yikes. As to the second letter, kids love to act sad when you leave and then instantly snap out of it. They gotta make sure you feel bad before you go. Kids are amazing miracles and complete assholes.
I just read your column over on Slate and was like, it is the most perfect thing I have read I must tell Nicole that, only to see your email in my inbox about the column. Feeling the need to have a venue to tell you that the column was so on point made me *finally* become a paying subscriber, which I should have done ages ago. So thank you for that perfect parenting column and for your fantastic newsletter that I am now happy to be paying for
I thought the first guy was the worst then I read the biter and...what?!? But I am married to a wonderful man who can get too competitive about our 10 year old. Luckily he married me and I only played sports to attend the associated parties and I make him knock it the F off and he is a good man who responds. I hope that dad had someone to tell him to STOP
Nicole, would you be willing to share the full softball dad letter here in our sacred space? :)
(I totally understand if you don't want to pile on to people who actually are seeking advice but I want to click through his Reddit username and read his commends SO BADLY)
My inbox is already filled w messages from grown-ups who had That Sports Dad and how much it fucked them up. I really hope he listens.
Okay, full unedited sports dad letter:
Dear Care and Feeding,
My 10-year-old daughter Victoria has been playing softball for five years and competitive travel ball for four. Her team is part of a municipal recreation organization with excellent coaching, which means they are good but not great (and affordable, not financially ruinous like big-time club programs). I have no illusions about her ability -- she is on the small side and socially awkward, due mainly to her diagnosed ADHD, but she works very hard and has become an effective offensive player and an excellent defender. I know this letter is long and will need to be edited, but to be clear, this isn't a question about getting more playing time or harsh coaches.
When she first started and was placed in the outfield, I told her that, even if she would rather be an infielder (who wouldn't, in youth ball?), she would be the best outfielder she could be. We went the the park on off days for me to hit her fly balls and work on her throwing arm, and she became really good at both skills. (At the time, her hitting was a weakness, so I figured the best way she could earn playing time was with her glove.) It worked, and even coaches from other teams gushed about her ability. The problem is, it was still the outfield, and she was lucky if more than one ball in a game came her way, which left her bored. Furthermore, when the coaches want to get the weakest players on the team some playing time, they would be in the outfield (of course), which cut into Victoria's playing time.
When she was moving up to 10u for the fall instructional season, there was some player movement in our organization (we generally had three teams per age group) and she wound up with a different coach. On the first day of practice, when the coach announced that every position on the team was up for grabs, Victoria told him she wanted to catch. (I'm not sure if it was because she saw it as being in the spotlight in front of the stands, or like playing dress-up in all the gear, or because the position is involved in every pitch, but she was enthusiastic about it.) And the coach -- whose daughter was an experienced catcher -- said, "Okay, let's see what you've got." The first weekend we played, when a game turned into a blowout early, he told her to put on the gear. She fell in love with it, and God bless him, he made sure she got plenty of time behind the plate the rest of the season. We started getting her private catching instruction.
The following spring, her previous coaches took her after tryouts, knowing that she had been working and developing as a catcher, and told her (and me) that she would rotate and compete with their catcher from the fall. She was excited to back with her old teammates, and looked forward to it -- until she realized that she was catching in practice, but never in a game until the other catcher took herself out two months into the season. There was no competition. She was in center field every game and really unhappy about it. The entire season, she was only called upon to catch if the other girl took herself out. (To her credit, she continued to play lights-out center field.)
In the fall instructional league, the other girl changed teams, and the coaches told Victoria she would be the number-one catcher, and she was. She played quite well, and was psyched to go into the 2019 season as the starter. Then, just before the season began, one player left the team and another joined it. The new player was a shortstop, and the starting shortstop was the backup catcher (and about equal to Victoria is terms of ability, having the advantage of being bigger, stronger, and the coach's daughter). Suddenly, Victoria was back in center field (with a few random noncompetitive games behind the plate). Her coaches explained to her repeatedly that it was best for the team, because she made the outfield defense so much better. It was true, but very disappointing to both of us. For the second time, she hadn't lost the job on the basis of performance -- she just had it stripped from her.
At the end of the 2019 season, another local organization invited Victoria to come play for a team they were putting together just for a major tournament being hosted in their city. They specifically invited her because they heard she was a catcher and they did not have any experienced catchers, and her star pitcher friend recommended her. We paid the (rather substantial) registration fees and went to the somewhat inconvenient practices because it was an opportunity to get catching time, and she was very enthusiastic about it. Apparently, after we agreed to participate, so did another, somewhat less experienced catcher. After the second practice, I mentioned to the coach how disappointed she had been the previous two seasons about not getting playing time, and the coach's response -- while the assistant coach was running outfield drills -- was, "Well, obviously she's a stud center fielder."
The tournament started yesterday, and, of course, she was in center field. I bit my tongue and figured I would make the best of it. She made a running catch of a fly ball and walked, stole a base, and scored in her first (and only) time at-bat. Then, as the game became a bit lopsided, she was benched to get a sub some playing time (outfielders you know?). Victoria was never reentered as the game became a blowout -- the sub got three at-bats and dropped an easy fly ball (although she recovered to throw out the runner at second). I was pissed off and angry -- this is a tournament that gives prestigious individual awards for offensive and defensive players, and you can't win those from the bench -- and Victoria knew it. I didn't say anything to the coach, because I don't want to be that parent. But when her team wins big, I want my kid to have the opportunity to contribute in a significant way. I had a beer at lunch, and calmed down before we had to reconvene for an evening tournament event where each coach chose four players to represent the team on the field with professional ballplayers. However, when I saw the list of players from our team, I melted down. There were three legitimate choices, and the girl who was subbed in for Victoria. I didn't think Victoria should be out there -- she didn't have the chance to contribute more, after all -- but the kid who struck out twice and botched a play was being recognized?! I basically threw my kid in the car and headed for home. She convinced me to turn around and bring her back because she was worried that her non-presence would negatively affect the coach's decisions and she didn't want to let down her teammates. (So, my kid is a better human being than I ever will be.)
Here is my problem: I am dealing with a lot of rage and frustration at seeing how much time and effort my kid puts into catching, and how much time and money I put in, only to have her skill at being an outfielder cost her opportunities to do what she wants. It makes me want to quit softball altogether, but she doesn't, and she is constantly worried that I will force her to quit. (The fact that I angrily verbalize that desire may have something to do with it.) At the same time, when I tell my daughter that she can be anything she wants to be if she works at it, only to have coach after coach tell her "You're an outfielder, deal with it" without giving her anything close to a fair opportunity to be a catcher, I feel like I've failed. She is reaching a point in softball where a lack of game repetitions will really start to disadvantage her if she ever does get an opportunity to compete for a job. Should I just tell her to give up catching and resign herself to being an outfielder if she wants to play (i.e. kill my child's dream), or continue to sink time and money into making her a better catcher (i.e. kill my patience and finances) after getting screwed over so many times? I'm losing sleep over this, because I know that resentment and anger over this stupid stuff makes me a jerk, but I can't help but feel resentment and anger, and I don't want to be a jerk to my daughter.
Sincerely,
Youth Sports Suck
Please update us on biting dad. I am aghast.
You can get PRIVATE CATCHING LESSONS for children under 10???? That in itself is TOO MUCH SIR. Maybe your kiddo would like center field more if you calmed the fuck down.
Oh, and great story about the 16 year-old. My extremely conservative mother and stepfather had figured out that they had a Gay on their hands by the time I was in high school. While I was gone for the summer my bedroom was renovated and my door was replaced with... a French door. And directly across from said French door was a giant mirror so you could look into my room from the kitchen or living room.
Spot on, as always. As an elder sibling myself, the one you included in the newsletter (re: 16-yr-old who wants a lock for her door) made my blood boil. I guarantee you the parents have no idea just how pernicious and frequent her "brother barging in on her a lot" is. My sisters and I get on great now, but when I was 16, it was AWFUL. Fortunately, I did get a lock, after much fighting with the parents.
I really thought the softball dad was gonna be the worst but then I got to the biting dad and I really just don't know. Biting? Your own child?? Like... I get the sports dad, I played on a traveling soccer team for a hot minute, I've met him, but the biting? I can't get past this one, y'all.
My mom always got SO MAD when I locked my bedroom door. "This is OUR house and you should not lock the door on your OWN FAMILY"
Also "having personal boundaries is for AMERICANS"
GUYS WE HAVEN'T HAD A JESUS WEDNESDAY IN WEEKS AND I HAVE THINGS TO TALK ABOUT.
Is that last one the same fucking guy who already asked that question in two different subreddits and still hasn't gotten the answer he wanted?
I couldn't even read the whole letter, it was just oozing with That Guy vibes. Like "My kid is a great catcher but they play her in center" covers the first half! Yikes. As to the second letter, kids love to act sad when you leave and then instantly snap out of it. They gotta make sure you feel bad before you go. Kids are amazing miracles and complete assholes.
I just realized how extremely, unhealthy competitive I am because I felt myself sympathizing with the dad. Whoops.
Nicole your answer to the first one is so so so spot on. HE IS THAT PARENT.
I just read your column over on Slate and was like, it is the most perfect thing I have read I must tell Nicole that, only to see your email in my inbox about the column. Feeling the need to have a venue to tell you that the column was so on point made me *finally* become a paying subscriber, which I should have done ages ago. So thank you for that perfect parenting column and for your fantastic newsletter that I am now happy to be paying for
I thought the first guy was the worst then I read the biter and...what?!? But I am married to a wonderful man who can get too competitive about our 10 year old. Luckily he married me and I only played sports to attend the associated parties and I make him knock it the F off and he is a good man who responds. I hope that dad had someone to tell him to STOP
Nicole, would you be willing to share the full softball dad letter here in our sacred space? :)
(I totally understand if you don't want to pile on to people who actually are seeking advice but I want to click through his Reddit username and read his commends SO BADLY)